Dirtbunny's Fifty Things You Maybe Didn't Know (or Want to Know) About Christmas Chez Nous

1. It's not Christmas without Candied Fruit Slices!
2. The Man and Dirtbunny always get stressed out and argue when putting up decorations. She is a bossy nitpicker who should just do it her own damn self if she's going to be that way, and he is incompetent, do it the same way we did it last year, how can you not remember?
3. Dirtbunny wants to buy The Boys lots of toys, but they don't care about toys, so she doesn't bother.
4. The Man always wants the same thing for Christmas: Books, CDs, and ties.
5. Dirtbunny does not go to Tysons Corner Center in December unless she is trying to trigger an anxiety attack severe enough to kill her, which she isn't trying to do, thanks for asking.
6. Dirtbunny is tired of taking her knives to be sharpened. (Hey! Free Shipping!)
7. On Christmas morning Chez Nous, we have homemade cocoa and a special breakfast casserole with sausage, cheese, and mushrooms. Some years, Bunny makes cinnamon rolls, too.
8. Dirtbunny is not very good at wrapping presents.
9. Yarn Harlot has a new book.
10. A few years ago, Bunny took a nap instead of making Christmas dinner. We had Christmas dinner on Boxing Day instead.
11. We have had one white Christmas since we moved into Chez Nous in 2000.
12. Kirby is afraid of the Christmas tree for the first few days.
13. Christmas presents are for opening Christmas Day, not Christmas Eve.
14. Dirtbunny loves Midnight Mass, except that it starts about 4 hours past her bedtime. The best Midnight Mass ever was the time Bunny and The Man and The Man's Mother and Bill went to Midnight Mass at the St. Thomas More Cathedral and when it was over and we came out, the sky was crystalline with stars and there was a full moon.
15. When it comes to Christmas music, the cheesier the better. This one is my favorite. When you listen, you can practically see the sweater-wearing backup singers in their groovy hairdos doing their little 60's variety show dance moves. Good times.
16. "The Little Drummer Boy" makes Dirtbunny cry, so we fast forward through that one.
17. Fruitcake does not suck unless you make it wrong. Even so, a little goes a long way.
18. The little pannetones they have for sale in the supermarkets are mostly packaging and not much cake, plus aren't very good any way. Save your money.
19. Knitters want yarn for Christmas, no mater how much yarn they already have. Dirtbunny very much wants to make this sweater for herself, in the largest size, in a nice pink, or icy blue, or bright red. Did you know Bunny always gets one extra ball of yarn because she is a loose knitter?
20. Did you know The pattern for the sweater that Dirtbunny wants actually contains a link to the U.K. source for the yarn to make the sweater?
21. Did you know that Dirtbunny's birthday is in January? Stuff that can't be shipped in time for Christmas makes a great birthday present.
22. What's for dinner on Christmas Eve? Oyster Stew.
23. When she unwraps a present, Dirtbunny wads up the wrapping paper and flings it wherever. It looks festive for a while and we can clean it up later. The Man likes to compulsively clean up the paper right away, because he's weird. This leads to arguments.
24. Dirtbunny has started to appreciate "It's a Wonderful Life" but she still hates fucking Zuzu and her fucking petals.
25. Did you know that if you go to a yarn store with a pattern for a sweater and say, "Dirtbunny wants enough yarn to make this sweater in this size plus one extra ball in pink or red or icy blue and the yarn should not be acrylic and should be softer than Cascade 220 and it should show off the cables nicely" the yarn store people will not only be thrilled to help you, but will tell stories for eons about that nice guy who came into the store to buy yarn for his wife and they will all wish they had someone to buy yarn for them?
26. Since you been away dear, no reindeer will play here, so HURRY HOME FOR CHRISTMAS, DON'T STOP UNTIL YOU GET HERE, YEAH! Can't you just see Steve and Eydie? Steve's newscaster hairdo and Eydie's bouffant?
27. Chez Nous, we like to start drinking as soon as the cocoa is gone, and we keep going all day.
28. There must be a fire in the fireplace on Christmas day, and it's best if it's a cloudy or rainy day so you can see the lights better.
29. Don't forget the stocking stuffers! Dirtbunny went to all the trouble to make beautiful Christmas stockings, so they should have stuff in them when she wakes up on Christmas morning.
30. Lighted plastic creche scenes on the front lawn are an abomination. Every time I see one, I'm tempted to stop the car, get out, and smash it with a baseball bat. I mean really. If you can think of anything that is more of an unintentionally ironic anti-Christmas statement than a life-sized Baby Jesus made of plastic with a light bulb up his ass, then I would like to know what it is so I can look at my crazy neighbors more charitably.
31. Ultimate Christmas dessert: homemade Buche de Noel
32. Tiki knows that there is chocolate in the advent calendar, but he can't get at it. As far as we know.
33. If you love The Man, you will make him airplane cookies in Air Superiority Blue and decorate them with patriotic sprinkles. But don't bother knitting him a cabled scarf in his favorite color. The Man has no need for a scarf.
34. Dirtbunny hangs onto slights and grudges for longer than is healthy.
35. Poor people need food, shelter, and warm clothing all year round, not just during the holidays, but they also need the small comforts that we take for granted, like hats and shampoo.
36. You DON'T NEED A TICKET, for Santa Claus's party.
37. There is lots of cool stuff at KnitPicks, like this, and this, and this, and they have gift cards so when I get around to those fair isle socks I've been thinking about, I can get the sock yarn I want. And they have Yarn Harlot's new book.
38. It kind of doesn't matter what's for dinner on Christmas Day, because Dirtbunny might be too tired to cook anyway. Sometimes we have a turkey, sometimes we get a ham, sometimes we have a fancy beef roast, and sometimes we roast a chicken. But we usually have potage les doo champonies. Even if she isn't too tired to cook, we might be too full of cookies and alcohol to enjoy dinner.
39. Candy canes are never as good as I think they are going to be.
40. Dirtbunny was going to say that anyone who goes shopping on the day after Thanksgiving or the day after Christmas deserves whatever happens to them, but then she remembered that people actually got stampeded to death by the horde this year. No one deserves that. Bunny worked retail. No way she is going shopping on those days. No fucking way.
41. Two words: Egg. Nog. It now comes in lowfat, and Silk makes a regular and a lowfat soymilk version that is quite tasty.
42. Dirtbunny very much would like her cold (it is now day 65) to be gone by Christmas, if not sooner.
43. We hate "Feliz Navidad." The song, not the expression. Sorry, but we do.
44. Dirtbunny likes to get her "shopping" done way early, and online if possible, because she hates crowds and wants to enjoy the holidays by spending them at home with loved ones, not in line with shoppers. The Man starts shopping as soon as it occurs to him that Christmas is, indeed, coming this year. We usually don't see very much of him from December 22-24, and when he comes home he yells "DON'T COME OUT HERE YET" and he's grumpy.
45. Bunny doesn't order yarn for herself in December any more, because when it arrives, The Man is likely to intercept it and wrap it up as if he bought it for her as a Christmas present.
46. One of our local channels shows "Ben Hur" with no commercials during the day on Christmas Eve. If you didn't know, "Ben Hur" is about 18 hours long and is full of homoerotic longings that one might not expect to see in a movie that's sort of about Jesus. Of course, I feel confident in saying that Jesus is gay-friendly, so I don't know why homoerotic themes would be particularly out of place in a Jesus movie. If you are going to watch and you don't have means to pause it, then take a bathroom break before it starts.
47. I wish that the "Kiss Saves Christmas" special that they "excerpt" in one of the Family Guy episodes was real. That's a show I'd like to see.
48. The best Christmas present little Dirtbunny ever got as a child was a plastic cement mixer. Her brothers got trucks and she wanted one too. You could put stuff in the drum and spin it around. Awesome!
49. The Old Folks have a photo of my nephews Peter and Henry from when they were still babies, and they are wearing striped pajamas on Christmas morning, green and white on one of them, and red and white on the other. Perhaps this isn't charitable of me, but I always thought they looked like inmates at the North Pole Federal Correctional Institute in those pajamas.
50. Bunny's favorite Christmas song (for fun) is the Andy Williams version of "Happy Holidays/The Holiday Season." Her favorite carol (for serious) is "O Holy Night."