Wild Creatures

Before the 1.8 billion dollar landscaping project, we had quite a jungle back there. We had a crumbling stone retaining wall with all sort of nooks and crannies for sheltering various critters. Mostly birds and insects. Some spots made good hidey-holes for whatever it is squirrels are burying out there. But the best tenant we had was a family of chipmunks.


I love chipmunks, and not just because Chip and Dale are the funniest cartoon ever.

Anyhoo, they came and ripped out all the nooks and crannies and dug out all the bushes and the ivy and virginia creeper and all the hidey-holes and birds and critters went away.

Until now.

He's Back!

Cranky

Yesterday was not the best day. I was tired and cranky and vaguely nauseated, so I left work early and went home to retire to my boudoir, where I took a nap with my BFF Kirby. When I woke up, The Man informed my that my KnitPicks package had arrived. Upon my instructions, he brought it to me in my Camille-like state, and I opened it. Here is the aftermath:

I got some new books and some new doodads, and some new yarn. I want to knit a black winter cardigan in an alpaca blend, and I need matching yarn in worsted and DK weight. I ordered one of each from a promising lot and was pleased to confirm that, indeed:

PITCH=BLACK

and

COAL=BLACK.

So I have me my complimentary alpaca blends in worsted and DK weight in BLACK and I'm pretty much ready to order sweater quantities and get started. Only I won't, until I finish Froggy. I know that the last time I said I wouldn't buy any more sweater yarn until I finished Froggy, I lied, but that was because Froggy screwed me over big-time and I had to frog it and I needed something to cheer me up. This time I really mean it (said the junkie, swearing that this is the last time).

Beer Commercials

So I'm sitting here waiting for the big rain we were supposed to get but, like the Union Army, it's marching around in the Shenandoah and leaving us alone (of course, where I live was occupied by the Union forces throughout the war). And I was watching last night's "The Daily Show" on the DVR and two things happened.

1. They made fun of John Ashcroft's testimony before the Congress, and I felt a little sorry for him. Remember how, in the fall of 2000, he seemed like a big, scary, arch conservative who was going to use his office as Attorney General to turn us back to the 17th century and all hell was going to break loose and good liberals everywhere were shaking in their Birkenstocks? Nearly 8 years later, and he seems like a fairly reasonable and moderate person by comparison. Moral of the story: it can always get worse.
2. The Miller Lite version of "Beer Heaven" featured a mermaid and I was once again faced with this question: What is it with men and mermaids? They would seem to rank right up there in the sexual fantasy department with Wonder Woman, Catholic school girls in uniform (with knee socks), naughty nurses, and Princess Leia in her gold bikini (for men of a certain generation). I don't get it. Guys, the best you are ever going to do with a mermaid is rub up against her, because she's missing a few key below-the-waist orifices. Can anyone explain this?

Warden Kirby

Kirby has stopped staring at Dirtbunny.




What is he looking at? He's looking out the window at The Man.




(Isn't it cute how his mouth automatically opens whenever he looks up?) What is The Man doing out there?




But why?


Yeah, yeah. See, we were going to get the house painted after we finished last summer's landscaping, and once the house was painted, we were going to engage the window washing/gutter cleaning guys. It hasn't happened yet. Although some of our schip laurels are looking peaked, the tulip tree seedlings from the neighbor's giant tree are sprouting nicely everywhere, including the gutter.

Friday

Some of you may be thinking, sure, electrical safety is all well and good, but the new toaster isn't electronic like the old one was. How well does it toast? It toasts fine. I have just finished a delicious PBJ sandwich on whole wheat toast and (1) My tastebuds are happy, and (2) my blood sugar is happy. Today I am going to try a little harder to avoid my usual pre-lunch hypoglycemic crash, which I usually cure with massive intakes of carbs that send my blood sugar too far in the other direction well before I actually feel normal again.

Professor The Man is coming home this evening, which is a good thing. I think I've finally mastered the fine art of making coffee, but I'll never be the kind of person who gets a satisfied feeling from doing the dishes. Plus, whining about how hot it is will undoubtedly be more fun when there is a human on the receiving end.

Here's a dirty little secret. I know I'm an accomplished modern woman of many talents and I don't technically need someone to take care of me, but it's hard when The Man is gone. All of my petty physical infirmities and the depression tend to get out of control for no particular reason other than he isn't here.

Thursday

Dear Professor The Man:

Here is a recap of today's events:

1. The Boys have test-driven both new dog beds and declare them to be acceptable.
2. Beatrice came.
3. The Boys have not figured out the step stool, but we're working on it.
4. I bought a kitchen gadget today that will make you happy. Hint: cheese
5. Something I ate out of the freezer today made me sick. Yes. Exactly. So I have tossed everything of indeterminate age, including the strange bread you bought at the Fresh Fields last weekend. Sorry, dude, but it was vaguely weird. Don't get that kind anymore, mkay? I feel better now, by the way.
6. I'm taping "Smallville" for you. Is that love, or what?
7. We're almost out of Kleenex, so please pick some up when you get me my fruit salad. Also, hand soap.
8. Eight, eight, I forget what eight was for.
9. I did unload the dishwasher, but I didn't like it.
10. It's insanely hot here. I hate hot weather. I'm waiting for crisp, breezy autumn weather. Would you please see what you can do about that?

More Wednesday

So we just went out for our post-dinner visit to the yard. Yarn Bandit made a beeline to a corner of the courtyard where he planted a rawhide tree a few months ago, and he tried to dig it up and eat. I declared that disgusting and had to pull him away.

Three minutes later, Kirby is nosing around looking for a good place to go, and he picks up a trail and follows it ..... to..... the same grody buried rawhide. SO MUCH EXCITEMENT! Followed by so much disappointment.

No months-old decayed buried and exhumed rawhides were consumed. They got greenies instead.

Plus, I emailed Blue Moon about my lost gift certificate. 6 minutes later, they sent me a replacement. Thanks for the birthday present.

Wednesday

Dear Professor The Man,



Here is the news du jour.



1) The PG County C.O.s are claiming that the alleged cop-killer whose death in custody was ruled a homicide by the M.E. was a suicide, not a murder. They are supposedly going to cooperate, but only one of them has been interviewed so far. Not that fresh evidence is needed or anything.



2) Dirtbunny went to the yarn store to buy yarn and didn't buy any. SHE BOUGHT NO YARN. Which is not to say that no money was spent at the yarn store, just not on yarn.



3) It's hot here and I'm still waiting for my fruit salad.



4) I ran the dishwasher all by myself. Whether I'll unload it is doubtful.



5) The coffee I made for myself was acceptable, but not as good as I usually get.


6) The Boys got packages in the mail:


Time elapsed between placement of new dog bed on the floor and the above photo: about 10 seconds. El Puto moves fast.



Kirby is still trying to figure out how they work. Here is the step stool pre-Bunny:

...and post-Bunny.

I hope you like the messy glue job and the blurry photo. We'll know if it works by the time you get home.

7) I was gonna pay your bar dues, but you didn't sign the form, so I just paid mine. I did, however, pay the phone bill.

8) The Boys want me to hurry up and finish so I can feed them.

9) I cleaned up the mess from the yarn crawl.

10) The gash on the side of the Volvo is still ugly. Real ugly. Yoogly. Real real yoogly.

Most sincerely yours,

Dirtbunny

More on Tuesday

Dear Professor The Man:

I just made coffee for tomorrow. It'll probably suck because I don't make coffee as well as you do. Yarn Bandit was just doing his begging dance for coffee beans. I guess the new rule is, if it comes in a bag and happens in the kitchen, it's food for beagles. Christina won Hell's Kitchen. Both Jen and Matt acted predictably assy. We're all going to bed now.

Love,
Bunny

Big Tuesday

To: Professor The Man, Pork Barrel University
From: Dirtbunny
Re: Household News

1. The thing today went fine. Kathy talked me through it, and all went well, as you predicted.
2. Afterwards, I was wiped out, so I went home early. The Volvo had an unfortunate encounter with a pylon in the parking garage. I really don't know how it happened, because I was driving, and I never have problems. Zero injuries, zero actual "damage," just a really ugly scrape/dent. You're welcome. Glad to be of service.
3. Kirby has been bathed and his ears cleaned. The right ear was grubby, but not as bad as it has been. The left ear was in good shape.
4. Tiki also had his ears cleaned. He had a big dried glob of ook in there that would explain the recent fussing with the ears, but it's gone now.
5. Post-ear-cleaning, they got rawhides, and we had Bone Wars for a while. I have managed to clean the kitchen all by myself.
6. Karen arrived, as planned, and The Boys are getting their walk.
7. Still no word from South Paws. I forgot to call them today, but I will tomorrow.
8. There's nothing on TV tonight. I'll probably listen to my IPod and knit until bedtime.
9. I'm working at home tomorrow. I'll be really really busy so whatever you do don't call me and bug me.
10. I would kind of like a nice bowl of fruit salad, so if you would bring me some in the next 20 minutes or so, that would be great.

Chain of Command

Somehow, probably from too much time sitting still in one place without getting up, Bunny has put her back out. The Man is getting ready to go to PBU again, so this is not a good time for Bunny to be (more) infirm (than usual). Thus, there might not be much blogging for a little while.

I leave you for a short while with this thought. Because I work for Uncle Sam, the lobby of my employer contains an official portrait of POTUS. Because my agency is the Teeny Tiny Government Entity (and does not have its own depression-era monstrosity of an office building with an ornate ceremonial lobby located far away from the worker bees), and I'm not special enough to warrant my own private bathroom, I have to go through the lobby every time nature calls. Granted, I don't have to share the bathroom with beagles when I'm at work, and there's no one scratching at the door or demanding to know what I'm doing when I'm in there. However, it means that I walk by POTUS.....



....every time I gotta go. It's like he's keeping track of my bathroom breaks. There's a security camera out there too, but that doesn't bother me as much as POTUS' portrait does, for some reason.

It lives in the bushes.

Dear The Man:


Remember how I've been trying to get you to notice the bird in our yew bush but you can never see him? Here he is:



Pretty cool, eh? That is a juvenile robin. I know this because "robin" is one of the birds I recognize:

• robin
• blue jay
• cardinal
• owl
• flamingo
• chicken
• duck
• Canadian Goose (aka around here as Dookie Makers)
• ostrich
• turkey

This one has red on him, so that makes him a robin. But he's still a baby. You can see his weird little baby feathers molting off his head, and his red hasn't completely filled in. Also, his mommy keeps coming by with food to stuff down his gaping maw.

It's been a good show. Sorry you missed it.

Perhaps my nephew Henry, who thinks

1. Aunt Dirtbunny is stupid, and
2. knitting is stupid

...will enlighten me with a more complete list of birds. I might be missing a few.