Just go with it

For Italian futbol fans, Fabio Cannavaro is the ultimate. He is the beloved capi of the Azzurri--BELOVED--and frequently recognized as one of the very best central defenders of all time. I've been trying to understand this. I try to keep my eyes on him during Real Madrid matches (cuz that's where he plays now) to see what's so special. I'm not seeing anything transcendent. Maybe it's because the royal whites are doing so well lately that they haven't needed much defense. Maybe he looks too much like Pepe from a distance (similar size, same hair, numbers 3 and 5) and I just can't tell. Maybe it's too late in his career and I've missed most of what has made him so great. I dunno. I've been waiting and waiting for him to give me a reason to call him up.




Is this a good reason?






Well, that was a while ago, and looks aren't everything.




What about this?

Yes, well, we all want Gigi to be happy, but I think Dirtbunny is enough to keep him happy.

And then, deep in the dark steamy bowels of the Interwebs, I found my reason.

Get up, Cris, you big whiner. This is futbol, not golf. You may be the current FIFA World Player of the Year, but you are still a great big crybaby. What? Do you expect the defense to just let you in?

So Capi is in. Welcome to FC Dirtbunny.

Champions League

So I haven't seen yesterday's Real Madrid v. Liverpool game. The Man and I are watching that tonight when he comes back with Kirby's anti-seizure medicine refill and my dinner. I really do not want to talk about Juventus today, but I will say this:

Gigi was resplendent in his purple kit. The socks are also purple, if you were wondering.

Gigi was nice to the opposing strikers, Mr. Drogba, in this case, who doesn't seem like a very nice person and might not have deserved it. Gigi kept his gloves on for this one. (If he really loves you, he takes off at least one of his gloves when he touches you).

Gigi loves Petr Cech. You can tell because how many gloves is he wearing?

Chelsea 1 -- Juventus 0

1. Gigi looked resplendent in his purple kit.
2. Kirby bit The Man hard enough to draw blood during the application of his foot medicine.
3. The bottle of Soave was delish, but didn't make me actually enjoy watching them lose.

Drink your way to efficiency

There's a round of Champions League this week. Today is the big day for the Bianconeri. ADP has been training "hard" in front of the press for the big game.




Bunny has to wait for The Man to come home from work so she can watch it. Fortunately, ESPN thinks that Chelsea is a big enough opponent to actually broadcast the game. I'll be busy tonight. Don't call me. Bunny HATES Chelsea. I'm all excited and upset. There will be imbibing tonight fer sher.


There was also imbibing last night as Bunny and The Man watched yesterday's Champions League matches. Did you know that, despite its alcohol content, eventually Bailey's Irish Cream goes bad, as in all clumpy and gross? You can drink it that way if you want, but I choose not to. In this phase of the Economy Plan, Dirtbunny is working through the liquor cabinet. Warm weather is coming, and that's when we stock up and make sure that we have enough gin, diet tonic water, tequila, and triple sec to make it through summer time. (I crack myself up. Last summer, we drank exactly zero G&T and zero margaritas. We have two big bottles of gin, two big bottles of tequila, four liters of diet tonic, and three opened bottled of triple sec.) Also, the holidays are another big drinking season for cognac and liqueurs, and it occurred to Dirtbunny recently that there's a lot of stuff in the liquor cabinet that has been around for a while.

"Liquor cabinet." Snerk. Actually, it's two plastic milk crates with bottles in them sitting on the floor of the coat closet.


Anyhoo, what's in there? Do we like any of it? We like the cognac. The good stuff is gone, so we need to replace that, but we won't until after we drink the second-best cognac. We need the Calvados and Amaretto because we bake with it. We like the Frangelico and the Cointreau and the Kahlua. The vodka stays. The rum stays. The peppermint schnapps? We drank that and probably won't get any more. Ditto on the Chambord, the Grand Marnier, and the Jagermeister. The Kirchwasser and the peach schnapps were repulsive. Why did I ever buy that in the first place? It went down the sink, along with the clumpy, curdled Bailey's. The only dubious bottle left in there now is the creme de cassis. I used to make a decent number of Kir cocktails, but I haven't done that in a long time. I'd rather just drink the wine instead. But it's there, all dusty and sticky, and I'll have to taste it because I can't just dump it without finding out if it's any good or not. And once that question is resolved, my liquor cabinet will be fully economized.


But tonight there will be no fucking around with questionable alcohol. Tonight is Chelsea v Juventus, and tonight I will be drinking something I like. I have discovered recently that, yesterday's trashing of Milan by drunken Manchester United fans notwithstanding, English soccer hooligans may be on to something. I am finding the ups and downs of the beautiful game much more bearable when I'm just a leetle toasted (although I must say my knitting suffers for it). Especially when Juve is playing. I'm sorry. We're all au courant with the lingo now, and all the broadcasters are from the UK, so the "correct" construction would be "when Juve are playing." Also, one does not guard or defend one's opponent, one "marks" him while wearing one's kit on the pitch playing for one's side during the fixture, etc. And speaking of UK broadcasters, they use vocabulary words that we don't get much here in the US of A once we are finished studying for the SATs. Yesterday's word was "discomfit." I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! It was awesome. In the US of A, we use words like "gutty" and "homely," neither of which mean what the broadcasters think they mean.



Where was I? Before the tangents on drinking and language snobbery, I was trying to make a point about something. OH YEAH! I REMEMBER!

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

Our cable sports package is decent enough that I get to see pretty much all of my Azzurri boyfriends no matter which team they play on. Except one. Because he plays in France, poor bastard. But he plays for the best team in France (8 consecutive French championships), and they are in the Champions League this year, and they played Barca yesterday, which ESPN has deemed interesting enough to broadcast to American fans, so I got to see Fabi, and I adore him, so today he gets a call-up to FC Dirtbunny.


Here he is: Fabio Grosso, the world's best left back, indispensable Azzurri starter, and current star of Olympique Lyonnais:

Did Lionel Messi score a goal yesterday? No he did not. Why not? Because Fabi was defending him, that's why. How good is Fabi? Good enough to keep Lionel Messi from scoring, that's how good he is. And no futbol player on earth really needs to be better than "good enough to keep Lionel Messi from scoring." That's all the reason I need to put him on the team---oops, I mean side.

.

His hair is shorter now, but he used to wear it longer. Here he is from last summer, defending--oops, I mean marking---Rino during an Azzurri training session. Check out the trailing spiral curls.

OK, so there's a little mutual fouling going on there. This is futbol, not golf. You have to be tough. Fabi is tough. And tall.

And he rocks the stubble and the hair product, too. Pleeeeez come back to Serie A, Fabi, so we can actually get to see you play.

Dirtbunny Hates Valentine's Day

Hate Hate Hate it. Always have. They jack the price of flowers up temporarily. More obnoxious "He went to Jareds!" jewelry ads. Basically, a whole marketing industry plot to make single people feel bad and make non-single people wonder if there's something wrong with them for not feeling compelled to buy diamonds, roses, bad chocolates in heart-shaped bozes, cheap teddy bears with heinous slogans, creepy mylar balloons, etc. Ick. If The Man ever shows up with a teddy bear wearing an "I WUV U" t-shirt, he can hit the road. Fortunately, he knows that, so he is safe and all is well.

We don't normally do VD (see? even the name!), but this year, The Man has decided to "show his affection" for me by making dinner: Coq au Vin. I am showing my affection for him by helping him with the shopping, explaining what certain things in the recipe mean, prepping the pearl onions, and putting the parsley into a nice chiffonade, and then backing the hell off. If it were me, I'd improvise that recipe all to pieces, but he's not that kind of cook, so I'm not kibbutzing. And that is my gift to him.

So. Love Stinks. We all know that. Well, almost all of us. Some people still believe. And in honor of that (and because I know you're all wondering when I'm just going to get around to it for crying out loud), it's time (past time, probably) to call up to FC Dirtbunny the one the only Gianluigi Buffon, goalkeeper supreme for the Bianconeri and gli Azzurri, and internationally-recognized fool for love.

He was resplendent in his purple kit last weekend against Catania. I wish I had a photo to show you.

When it's time to work, he's all business. See? Working. No time for playing with Iker Casillas. He's tough. But he's also tender. He has love for the guys on the other team.

[Gigi and Fiorentina/Romania striker Adrian Mutu]

[Gigi and Zinedine Zidane]

[Gigi and some Spanish guy, maybe David Villa, who just missed]

[Gigi and Thierry Henry]

[Clearly, Gigi is the dominant one in this pair.]

[Do you think they are using tongues?]

[Never in American sports. Never, I tell you.]

Gigi also loves his fellow goalkeepers.

[Gigi and Fabien Barthez]

[Gigi and Julio Cesar]

Gigi loves the guys on his own team too.

[Gigi and fellow Bianconeri/Azzurri Camoranesi]

[Gigi and fellow Bianconeri/Azzurri Gio Chiellini]

[Gigi and fellow Azzurri Daniele De Rossi]

[Gigi and fellow Azzurri Luca Toni, the only Azzurri bigger than Gigi]

[Gigi and fellow Azzurri Andrea Pirlo, with Azzurri Alberto Gilardino in the background]

[Gigi and fellow Azzurri Marco Amelia and Simone Perrotta]

[Gigi and Protz again]

[Gigi and fellow Azzurri Fabio Grosso]

But most of all, Gigi loves Fabio Cannavaro.

A lot.

Lots and lots.

Ever since the Olden Days when Cannavaro grew out his hair.

It's mutual, by the way, in case you couldn't tell from Cannavaro's big smile.

So. Dirtbunny's ode to love.

aaaaaaand, I think The Man is done crisping the bacon, because They Boys have left the kitchen and are now gracing me with their presence.

Answered Prayers (sort of)

You may have heard by now. The Bianconeri need a working midfield. Just when it seemed all was lost, our favorite Argie-Italiano came off the injured list. He's only got 50 minutes in him at a time, and when he leaves the field, Amauri has to be three midfielders and two strikers at once all while being double-teamed (thanks for the gratuitous petty red card Iaquinta, you wanker) and suffering through a confidence-killing slump and getting yinyanged about between gli Azzurri and Brazil. Poor Amauri.

But this isn't about him. He'll be better soon, because Mauro is almost all better and up to 50 minutes a pop. The Bianconeri are a better team with Mauro, and so are gli Azzurri (although still not good enough. Guys, there's no I in TEAM). FC Dirtbunny is better with him too:

Mauro Camoranesi, Juventus midfielder extraordinaire, and the only one of the Azzurri to help Pirlo in the midfield this week in the world cup friendly against Brazil, not that it made much difference.

He works hard. Really hard.

He works as hard as Rino, but with more offense and fewer yellow cards.

He's da man.

We aren't wild about the hair (it's a lot like Dirtbunny's hair on a humid day in summertime, but more so, and dark instead of light). And we are not wild about the chin pubes either. But he's taken to a Japanese-style topknot on the pitch this season. We here at FC Dirtbunny take that to mean that the hair is for off the pitch; on the pitch, he wants it up and out of the way. Dirtbunny can respect that.

Hey! How did ADP get in here? They're golf buddies, which is a goddamn shame, but no one is perfect.

Camo has a lovely smile, but he's less likely to get all lovey with his teammates than some of the other Azzurri.

See? Usually, ADP is the flirtee. Here, Camo is the flirtee and ADP is the flirter. I can't even find a photo of Mauro and Gigi locked in a manly embrace, and that should tell you something.

We love the name.

Camoranesi. camoranesi camoranesi camoranesi [sigh]

camoranesi [one for the road]

Another Call-up

Dirtbunny loves the Zebras, even if they don't love her. They barely won a Coppa Italia match this week against Napoli, and the only player that looked like he wasn't wasted on barbiturates-- I mean overcome by the flu bug that's been going around the dressing room in Torino--is Dirtbunny's next call-up to FC Dirtbunny.


Ti presento Nicola Legrottaglie, reliable, underappreciated Juventus defender.





Yeah, he's tall and kinda pouty.

But that's not why he's been called up.

Oooh, Bianconeri scarf! Just like the one Bunny is making!

[mine's better]

No, all Dirtbunny wants is love, and Nicki is the only zebra who has been playing like he loves Dirtbunny. Dirtbunny loves you too, Nicki. Welcome aboard.

Nicki has a lot of love to go around. Here he is with the big love for Gio Chiellini after Juve kicked Real Madrid's royal white buttocks in Champions League this fall.

[get a room]

also

[what's up with Gio's weird boots?]

And here he is with the love for ADP.

But that's nothing special. Everyone is in love with ADP.

Alessa and Rino want you to Mangia your Arancias

So cancer is bad, mmmkay? Do what you can to prevent cancer by eating a healthy diet rich in vitamin C which you just happen to be able to get from delicious Italian oranges.


[looks like a dork in sweater vest]

[does not look like a dork, except for the stickers. what happened to the hair?]

[The Man, by the way, looks collegiate and handsome in a sweater vest.]

[American oranges also have vitamin C]

Enough of that. In non-Serie A, non-Azzurri futbol action, little makes Dirtbunny happier than watching Chelsea go down. Dirtbunny hates Chelsea (except for Deco, who apparently also hates Chelsea. And except for Petr Cech. But what's he gonna do? Play in the Czech Republic?). This weekend, Chelsea went down. At the hands of Liverpool. Courtesy of one El Nino, who got two at the very very end of the game. Because he was the only thing bringing Dirtbunny any futbol joy, he gets the next call up to FC Dirtbunny.

Ladies and Gentlemen (Hi Daddy!), I bring you Liverpool striker and Spanish international Fernando Torres. Here is his first goal, a lovely header right past poor Petr Cech, who never had a chance, bless his helmeted head:

And here is his second goal.

And here he is being very very happy.

He's a pretty, pretty boy.

And I do mean boy. Here he is next to a man, in case you were wondering if I know the difference.

Gigi is always with the giving of the love to opposing strikers. In American sports, the most you ever see is a butt-slap or a fist bump. The fist bump of non-gay American manliness. In Europe, there are hugs, kisses, and caresses, oh my! [fans self]