How Dirtbunny lost the battle of the door

So Chez Nous is a fairly typical ranch-style house built around 1950. It has two major additions, an expansion to the master bedroom, and a family room, known around here as the Sun Room, both built by morons in around 1980. We love the Sun Room and spend a lot of time in there. It has windows on all four sides. Yarn Bandit takes his morning sun on one side of the room and his afternoon sun in front of the sliding glass door.

We had an energy assessment done a few years ago and one of this house's many energy-related faults is a leaky sliding glass door. Also, the screen is ripped and the handle of the screen door has long since disappeared. We had other fish to fry. We knew the sliding glass door had to be replaced, but we were on the Economy Plan and it could wait.

Sometime around the middle of August, Dirtbunny noticed that the sliding glass door was not properly latched. Naturally, it was presumed to be The Man's fault. Naturally, it was because he was too lazy to close it. Of course, because he never does anything right. So Dirtbunny dragged him over to the door to show him how he had fucked up and to provide him with instruction on The Correct Way We Do Things Around Here (he's so lucky I'm here to teach him). Whaddaya know? It wasn't his fault. The latch had gone all wonky and, well, up and croaked on us. Dirtbunny had a hard time with this at first. How could it not be The Man's fault? But it wasn't. It was the door.

Well we are not going to replace the door this year. We'll just use a dowel or broomstick handle to wedge it shut until we replace it next year. No problem.




Problem: The door is installed backwards. The screen is on the inside. The inside panel is on the outside. To wedge the door shut with a dowel, we'll have to do it from the outside, which kind of misses the point. Dirtbunny announces this to The Man. We'll have to replace it this year or else the house will remain essentially unlocked all winter, which is not acceptable. The Man agrees.

And this is where the Battle of the Door begins. Who is going to take care of it? Bunny sez that The Man is. The Man sez "?" We agree that we are happy with our doors and windows guy and we'll use him again. All The Man needs to do is make the call.

So Bunny waits for The Man to make the call.

He doesn't.

Bunny goes On Strike.

Amazingly, the call is still not made. The Strike is not working.

Bunny re-evaluates her strategy. If the Iraqi people are not going to greet the American soldiers with cheers and flowers, then victory is impossible, unless the Americans redefine victory. Dirtbunny redefines victory.

Here is her battle plan:

• Make the call herself, on the QT.
• Get the guy in for a look-see, choose door style, and sign contract, on the QT.
• Arrange for installation in secret.

Won't The Man's face be red when, six months from now, he notices that we have a new door? How did that happen? Wow, Bunny, you sure got me! It would be a masterpiece of passive-aggression that would make Dirtbunny a legend at the Funny Farm.

I almost did it. The installation was today. The whole thing was a secret until Friday. They called and left a confirmation message on the answering machine. The Man heard the message. Not only heard it, but noticed it and processed the information.

It was almost a masterpiece of passive-aggression. Now it's just Dirtbunny doing all the work around here like usual. Sigh.

I like the new door. And now I'm going to turn the heat back on.