Hellhole Roll Call

DB:  Let’s begin. Okay then. Dennis?


Dennis: Yo.

DB: Do you have the keys to my shed? We couldn’t get in there this weekend.

Dennis: Yeah. Sorry bout that.

DB: Gilberto?

Gilberto: Yes, ma’am.

DB: Happy Birthday.

Gilberto: Thank you.

Kirby:  I’m here. *trembles*

DB: I know sweetie.

Anxiety: BOO!

DB: Wait your turn. Carlos?

Carlos: Yes.

Kirby:  I’m here. *trembles*

DB: Jose?

Jose: Si.

Kirby:  I’m here. *trembles*

DB: Yes, Kirby. Mike?

Carlos: He’s coming later.

DB: OK.

Anxiety: Yayayayayayaya! *cackles*

DB: I said wait your turn.

Gilberto: Excuse me. May I show you something in the garage please?

DB: *sighs* Yes. I’ll be right there.


~pauses to examine garage~


DB: Okay. That was fun.

Kirby:  I’m here. *trembles*

Anxiety: NINETY NINE BOTTLE OF BEER ON THE WALL, NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEEEEEEEERRRRRR...

DB: *ignores* Uncle Sam?

Uncle Sam: I’m here. You know it. I know it. The American people know it.

Kirby:  I’m here. *trembles*

DB: *pats Kirby*

Anxiety: TAKE ONE DOWN AND PASS IT AROUND, NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL....

DB: Tiki?

Tiki: zzzzz, huh? food? wha? no? zzzzzzzz

Kirby:    I’m here. *trembles*

Anethea the dog walker: TEEEEEEEKEEEEEEEE! KIRRRRBEEEEEEE! WHERE’S MY BOYEEEEES?

Kirby: ONOZ! *hides*

Tiki: zzzzzzz wha? gimme a belly rub *rolls over*

Anxiety: YOU SUUUUUUUUUUCK! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! LOSER!

DB: Shut up and wait your turn. Garage door guy 1?

Garage Door guy 1: yeah

DB: Garage Door guy 2?

Garage Door guy 2: yeah. Hey. Can you get them to move the truck?

DB: Yes. Just a minute. *large crash from the attic*

Anxiety: I WON’T SHUT UP! juuuuust SIT RIGHT BACK AND YOU’LL HEAR A TALE. A TALE OF A FATEFUL TRIP. THAT STARTED FROM THIS TROPIC PORT ABOARD THIS TINY SHIP

DB: Garage Door guy 3?

Garage Door guy 2: He’s outside.

DB: Very well. Major Depression, Chronic, Recurrent?

Major Depression, Chronic, Recurrent: *rolls over and pulls covers over her head*

DB: That’s constructive.

Anxiety: THE MATE WAS A MIGHTY SAILING MAN, THE SKIPPER BRAVE AND SURE. FIVE PASSENGERS SET SAIL THAT DAY FOR A THREE HOUR TOUR.

DB: Window man?

Anethea the dog walker:  SEE YA TOMORROW!!!!

Kirby: Save me Bunny *trembles*

Anxiety: A THREE HOUR TOUR!

Major Depression, Chronic, Recurrent:   Fuck you all!

DB: Window man? *power tool revs up in garage*

Window Man: um yeah. Where’s the window?

DB: *shows him*

Anxiety: THE WEATHER STARTED GETTING ROUGH, THE TINY SHIP WAS TOSSED.  IF NOT FOR THE COURAGE OF THE FEARLESS CREW THE MINNOW WOULD BE LOST.

Carlos: May I use your bathroom?

DB: Of course. *shows him*

Anxiety: THE MINNOW WOULD BE LOST! *LIGHTNING CRASHES*

*telephone rings*

The Man:   Hey Bunny, How’s it going?

Anxiety: THE SHIP SET DOWN ON THE SHORE OF THIS UNCHARTED DESERT ISLE

DB: Can I call you back?

Gilberto: Excuse me. May I show you something up on the roof?

The Man: I guess. *grumps* Bye. *hangs up*

Anxiety: WITH GIIIIIILIGAAAAANNNNNNNNN

DB: *goes with Gilberto*

~pause to examine the roof~

DB:  *returns*

Kirby:  Where were you?  It was terrible! *trembles*

Major Depression, Chronic, Recurrent: I told you so

Carlos’s Boss: *comes in and starts poking around*

Uncle Sam:  Ahem.  I am paying you to write memos, aren't I?

DB:  Yes sir right away sir.  *writes a memo*

Anxiety: THE SKIPPER TOOOOOOOOO

Kirby: I’m here. *trembles*

Window guy: Can I get you to sign something?

Major Depression, Chronic, Recurrent: dumbass. what were you thinking? living in a hellhole is all you deserve 

DB: Gio?

Imaginary Gio: Yes, love. What do you need?

Kirby: I’m here. *trembles*

DB: Alessa?

Anxiety: THE MILLIONAIRRRRRRE

DB:  ALESSA?!

Kirby: I’m here. *trembles*

ADP: You’re OK. Take a deep breath.

Kirby: I’m here. *trembles*

Anxiety: AND HIS WIFE

DB: *whimpers*

Kirby: I’m here. *trembles*

Imaginary Gio: I’ve got this. You go talk to Alessa. I can handle these guys.

DB: *pats Kirby*

Anxiety: THE MOOOOOOOVIE STAHR!

Gilberto: Excuse me. May I show you something outside?

Imaginary Gio: Yeah, Gilberto. Why don’t you talk to me about this? *goes off with Gilberto*

Kirby: I’m here. *trembles*

DB: *whimpers*

Kirby: I’m here. *trembles*

Kirby: I’m here. *trembles*

Anxiety: THE PERFESSER AAAAAND MARYAAAAANNNNNNNNN

ADP: *puts arm around DB* I’ve got you.

Anxiety: HEEEEEEERE ON GIIILIGAN’S IIIIIIILSE!

ADP: Let’s pretend it's raining. I’ll close all the blinds so it’s dark, put on the thunderstorm CD really loud, and light some candles. You just relax and take a deep breath.  Kirby, you go sit over there on your dog bed and hush, OK?




DB: *sits over there and takes a deep breath*



ADP: Have a Prosecco, Bunny. *loud crash from the attic*

DB: *whimpers*

ADP: Don’t worry about that. Let Gio handle it.  *puts arms around Dirtbunny and rocks her*



DB: *takes a deep breath*

ADP: Good girl. You can do it.





DB: Oh Alessa, you’re so good to me.

ADP: Only the best for my Dirtbunny.