FC Dirtbunny Announces Reorganization for 2011-12 Season

The owners of FCDB (that would be Dirtbunny) have been on a long management retreat to contemplate the future of the squadra.  Frankly, the team roster doesn't get my heart pumping the way it used to.  Making lifetime acquisitions seemed like a good idea at the time, but certain players have done certain things that make them undeserving of the honor.  For others, well, it's just time to part as friends and move on.

Therefore, effectively immediately, FCDB players will now be organized into three groups.  There will be the active players, who are still around and still more or less as beloved as they were when they were called up.  There will be Dirtbunnies Emeritus, all of whom leave the club with honor and are free to publicly refer to themselves as Dirtbunnies.  And then there is the BadDog group, all of whom are being punished for some rime or another.  A few of the BadDogs can harbor some plausible hope for reinstatement if they make necessary changes and atone for their crimes.  Others are, I believe too far gone to ever come back.




This transfer season, I have made the following outgoing transfers from the active list:



1.  Diego Lugano.  Status:  BadDog.  Explanation:  Moved to PSG, thereby contributing to the inevitable consolidation of football into two mega-squads (PSG and Man City) and the elimination of all other squads.

2.  Tim Howard.  Status:  BadDog.  Explanation: Listen, I still love him, but he's got two things he needs to fix.  One is that appalling camouflage-print jersey he's been wearing lately.

Way too AmericanMacho.  Football is not war.  The other is that he plays for two squads, Everton and the USMNT, that are in desperate need of some ass-whupping leadership.  I believe he is capable of stepping up and providing that leadership, but so far he has inexplicably failed.

3.  Christian Panucci.  Status:  Emeritus.  Explanation:  Retired from active play and moved to the midwest to become Martha's stalker.


4.  Zlatan Ibrahimovic:  Status:  BadDog.  Explanation:  Zlatan is locked out until he gets his barnet sorted.

The chin pubes aren't doing him any favors either.  The only other men I can think of who intentionally ugly themselves to mess with The Hot are Johnny Dep and Viggo Mortensen.  Why?

4.  Marco Materazzi:  Status:  Emeritus.  Explanation:  Out of contract and unattached, so really unofficially retired.

BTW, I owe Matrix a debt for helping me get through my work crisis of last month.  Let's say Dirtbunny is Zinedine Zidane at the 2006 World Cup.  Zizou has to take the pitch with Matrix.   Matrix is a known douchebag.  Zizou knows that Matrix is going to be a douchebag on the pitch during the match.  That is what Matrix does.  Because Zizou knows it is going to happen, Zizou needs to prepare himself so he responds professionally when Matrix, inevitably, is a douchebag.  If Zizou does what he needs to do to manage his reaction to the douchebaggery that is all around him, then there is no head-butt, and everyone lives happily ever after.  Mr. D:  Except Italy, because France wins if Zizou doesn't get sent off.

5.  Cesc Fabregas.  Status:  BadDog  Explanation:  Went to Barca.  I know he's a Barcelonian, but he risks his mortal soul if he picks up his teammates' bad habits of whining, diving, and acting like their shit doesn't stink.

6.  Deco.  Status:  Emeritus  Explanation:  Disappeared to South America, which means he isn't really retired, but he's retired as far as FCDB is concerned.

7.  Mauro Camoranesi.  Status:  Emeritus.  Explanation:  Disappeared to South America.

8.  Olof Mellberg.   Status: Emeritus  Explanation:  Went to Olympiacos, which is pretty much the same thing as disappearing to South America except with slightly more frequent visits during Champions League.

9.  Fabio Cannavaro:  Status:  BadDog.  Explanation:  Unforgivable loss of grinta both as a Bianconero and an Azzurro, followed by an disgustingly whorish move to Dubai "in fulfillment of a lifelong dream."

10.  Fabio Grosso.  Status:  BadDog.  Explanation:  Unforgivable loss of grinta and technical ability plus stubborn refusal to leave Juventus no matter how much the tifosi beg him to go.   (Boy was I wrong.)

11.  Franck Ribery.   Status:  Bad Dog.   Explanation:  Underage prostitutes.  Really, Franck.  You want to be in the same club as the Italian Prime Minister?  Shame.

12.  Gianluca Zambrotta.  Status:  BadDog  Explanation:  Unforgivable loss of grinta.  I still love you, bb, but you've got to show me you still care about football.

13.  Fernando Torres.  Status:  Bad Dog  Explanation:  One:  Left Liverpool.  Two:  Went to Chelsea, thereby acquiring that Chelsea taint that doesn't wash off.


All those punishments have made some room in the barracks, so I've made two call-ups.

Rafael van der Vaart

Midfielder for Tottenham Hotspur and the Oranje.

I love him for all of the usual reasons.  We have a lot in common.  Like him, I have an Aaron Lennon in my life to create a lot of WTF and idiocy.  Like me, when he's working,
he's the old stalwart, the reliable one, and the one with no patience for morons.

Like me, he isn't always very ladylike.  He's also prone to brilliance and tantrums and the occasional dirty foul, but he's mostly just a muscular little ball of sweet touch and impeccable passing.

He hates to lose.  And now he's mine.


Leonardo Bonucci

You know, I really don't have to justify any of my call-ups.

He almost went to Zenit, but he didn't.  I love him and that's reason enough.




And I've discovered I could use a little help with the paperwork, ego-wrangling, and snake-handling so I've brought a new suit on board.  Welcome Martha!   Here we are on a recent scouting trip:

(I'm the old one on the right.)

I dub her Goddess of Football and Enemy of Fun (until she comes up with a better title for herself).  She has been wielding secret influence for a while now anyway (how else can I justify Santana?) and she's had an all-access pass all along.  Might as well give her something constructive to do.  All I ask in exchange is that she not use her considerable charms on ADP.  Martha:  Uhhhh, ew.  No problem.