Not cool then, not cool now

Ah, the 80s.  Ground zero, if you're a Gen-Xer, for crappy music that sometimes maybe holds a sort of nostalgic appeal.  Will I once in a while pull out my Journey albums and pretend I can hit the high notes like Steve Perry?  Sure.  If "Hungry Like A Wolf" comes on the radio, will I lurch desperately for the off button?  No, probably not.

However, the 80s changed music forEVAR.  I blame MTV.  Heart was once a bad-ass girl group that could rock out.  Then they started wearing frock coats and push-up bras and big hair and making videos and they sucked.  I don't care how many records they sold.  I don't don't care how many of those terrible songs hit the charts.  They were nothing like the hard-rocking stuff form the early days.  They were vapid and TV-ready.  They sucked.

I was prompted to consider this on the commute home when  Dire Straits' "Walk of Life" came on.  I had to change the station after the first few bars.  (Luckily, there was Green Day on the other station.)  Dire Straits was an awesome, awesome band back in the day.  "Sultans of Swing"?  Are you kidding?  Then they suddenly made a huge hit album and became horribly uncool.  "Money for Nothing" and "So Far Away" were crappy songs, but at least if you tried hard enough, you could hear an occasional bit of bluesy guitar.  Not so much "Walk of Life" in which insipid bouncy repetitive keyboard drowned out any hint of guitar that may once have been on the original session tapes.  Dire Straits is all about the guitar, people.  Kill it and what's the point?  This started me thinking about other bands that once were cool that became awful during the 80s and so behold:

Bands Who Killed themselves with suck in the 80s:

1.  Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.  Before, "American Girl," "Refugee," "There goes my Girl,"  "The Waiting."  Hell.  "Stop Dragging my Heart Around" with Stevie Nicks, if you want to be generous with your definition of "Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers."  After:  "Freefallin'," a no. 1 hit by the way.

NB:  If you listen to "American Girl" often enough, you will eventually stop immediately associating it with "Silence of the Lambs."  Cos that was creepy.

2.  Huey Lewis and the News.  Before.  "Workin' for a Living,"  "Do you believe in love?"  Stay with me.  That one is a little syrupy but it doesn't make me want to shove knitting needles into my ear canals.  Then "Heart and Soul" and "I Want a New Drug" and they were slipping a bit, but still pleasing.  And then "Stuck with You."  O.M.G.  I can't believe any self-respecting music producer let that one out into the world.  Buy hey!  Another no.1, so what do I know.

3.  Phil Collins.  Just kidding.  His solo career was awful from the get-go, although "Sussudio" is a contender for All Time Nadir of Rock ad Roll.  Or possibly "Groovy Kind of Love."  Again though:  no. 1 song.  Holy shit!  "Groovy Kind of Love" was no. 1 too!  Who was buying records back then?


4.  Fleetwood Mac.  Before:  Everything off Tusk, and Fleetwood Mac, and Rumors.  After:  "Oh Diane" started it, but "Little Lies" was positively heinous.

5.  Belinda Carlisle.  When she was with the Go-gos, she and her coke-addled band mates looked like the kind of people with which I'd like to put up my hair in little ponytails and go splash around in a fountain.  After:  She straightened her hair, dropped a lot of weight, and put out "Mad About You"  and "Heaven is a Place on Earth."  So the slightly naughty cool chick was writing greeting cards.  Ick.

TANGENT:  Good thing I keep heading off to Google to spell-check.  I was calling her "Melinda."

6.  Journey.  They are one of my all-time faves, but I have to pretend that Escape was their last studio albums.  Yeah, I know.  "Open Arms" is wholly sappy, but I give it a pass.  I knew it was over when they came out with Frontiers and "Faithfully."  Don't get me started on Steve Perry's solo no. 1 "hit" with "Oh, Sherrie."  Dude, it's 30 years later and I'm still convinced that (a) she should have worn a bra and (b) she's not a very convincing beard.

7.  Hall & Oates.  Before:  "Sara Smile," "She's Gone."  After:  "Maneater."  BTW:  If anyone knows what the hell was going on in the video for "Method of Modern Love," please call me.

8.  Van Halen.  Before:  "Dance the Night Away,"  an ass-kicking cover of "Pretty Woman," and another ass-kicking cover of "You Really Got Me."  After:  "Jump."  QED

9.  Jefferson Airplane.  Before:  Oh dear, where do I begin?  After:  they became "Starship" and gave us "We Built This City."  I hope they're ashamed of themselves.

10.  Cheap Trick.  Before:  "Surrender," "I Want You to Want Me," "Dream Police." After:  "The Flame."  I weep for humanity.


Special Mention:  The Traveling Wilburys.  You'd hope that when you put Dylan, George, Tom Petty, Roy Orbison, and Jeff Lyne together and then took Jeff Lynne out back and shot him and made the rest of them write songs together that you would get something worth listening to.  You would be wrong.