Quick & Dirty News from Here

1.  I come to you fresh from watching Juventus pull out a squeaker of a 2-1 win against Lazio which keeps them first in the league by one precarious point.  My boyfriend Alessa got the winner at around minute 83 or so.  That brute Kozak seems to have broken Leo's nose.  ADP kissed Claudio.  And at the end, when the tifosi were all signing the Juve song, Gio joined in.  &hearts

2.  Juve spams take me pretty much an entire day to put together.  I just can't do them regularly and still keep my job.  I miss doing them, but it can't be helped.

3.  Der Kirbenhund has a new trick.  Every day, he comes up with something new to give us all a heart attack.  Yesterday, it was a runny pile of poop surrounded by a lake of mucous and bright red blood.  Today, it was about five minutes when he decided he was unable to stand up.  So we get all frightened and worked up and then everything goes back to normal as if nothing happened.  It's freaky.

4.  In connection with #3, I'm sure I told you all before that when I walk into the regular vet, it's like Norm walking into Cheers.  We have now reached the point where it's the same thing at the specialty vet.  *sigh*

5.  In connection with #3&4, Kirby is no longer on chemo.  His platelet count is so low (below 8,000 when 200-500,000 is normal) that it isn't safe.  There is very little that can be done about this.  It's possible he has a tick-borne infection that can be treated, but if it isn't that, then we are pretty much at the end of the medical merry-go-round.

Aside from the five minutes a day when he has us completely scared out of our wits, Kirby is not acting sick at all.  He doesn't seem to be in any discomfort, and he's happy and affectionate like always.  That's the important part.  Truly, I'm almost glad that there aren't really any medical options left to pursue.  It would suit me fine if he were to stay around forever, of course, but we are way past the point when it makes a difference if we understand what's going on.   If his platelet counts can't be raised, then does it really matter what the cause is?  And if it doesn't matter what the cause it, then why should we be extracting bone marrow samples and doing more ultrasounds?  He has been a medical mystery since the beginning when he started coughing up chunks of plastic; bloody diarrhea for no apparent reason is just another bit of unexplainable Kirby-ness that makes him my Special Sweetheart.  It's time to enjoy the time he has left while he still feels good and can still be a dog and do dog things.

6.  I've tried going vegan again.  So far, about two weeks.  Oops.  Except tonight, we finished off a bottle of salad dressing that has dairy in it.   See this one is vegan, but this one isn't. Perhaps you can see how Mr. D brought the wrong kind home.   I forgot it wasn't vegan and didn't throw it away and so it accidentally made it onto the plate and into my tummy.  Oh well.  It's a sunk cost.  Whether I remembered to throw it away or decided to finish it off can no longer have any effect on the market for animal products, so it was essentially a neutral act.  This is all going pretty well.  It's easier than I thought it would be, and I've discovered that there is a whole lot of vegan junk food available if you have the patience to read labels at the Fresh Fields.  I've also figured out which type of soymilk makes good gelato, so we've got it covered.

Except for one thing.  I listened to a podcast the other day featuring a short story, A Dog's Tale by Mark Twain.  I cried for hours and stayed red-eyed and puffy for three days.  Every time I looked at one of the beagles, I could imagine them being in a cage at a market in China, waiting for someone to choose them to eat for dinner.   The details of what people do to animals are just too much for me.

Old Lady Post: Udinese and Siena

Originally posted on February 13, 2012

A long, long time ago, in a place far, far away from Bunny's house, there were two tribes of zebras who met in battle on a wet, snowy day to decide which zebras were the most awesome.  What actually happened on that day has now passed into legend as there is no one left who is alive to remember.  However, there is some mention in church records that the battle was won by the Zebras of the West and that they were led by a strange Matri!beast with flowing brown hair and a strange star on his chest.




Historians, however, have recently discovered some strange etchings on a ruin in an abandoned town in southwest Lombardia.  After carefully removing millennia of dirt and grime, they have uncovered a single, crucial word that gives the etchings meaning:  Matri.  It is widely accepted among academics that this important finding is indeed a contemporaneous record of the largely forgotten battle between zebra and zebra.   For the first time ever, copies of the mysterious images have been made available for public viewing. 

Juventus 2:1 Udinese

OK, so I can't keep that up, but the match did happen so long ago that I don't remember anything except Win!  and Snow!




BUM has slowly been losing it over the past week weeks.  It can't be long before he pulls one of his psycho things that he does.




Claudio's steely determination.




I love snow.




I wonder how much product it takes to keep the hairz up when it's wet outside.  If it's my hair, then the answer is "there's not enough product in the universe."



Three things I like about Andrea right now:  His plain shoes.  His ring finger tattoo.  His tanned (!) knees.




His hair stays bouncy and flowy in the snow.




Hey there, Samir.




First look at Quags's right arm disappearing up to the elbow.  Then look at Gelson Fernandes's expression of surprise.   I know I'm not the only one who's thinking it.




It's true.  Matri was a beast and scored two.



He did his Super Secret Selebration instead of the weird surfing thing from a few weeks ago.



Ummm, Matri looks like he could be a bit happier here.




Yeah, Leo.  As if you had much to do with it.  And don't be late for dinner.


After that, the Zebes traveled to Parma, where their match was snowed out.  It's rescheduled for Wednesday.

After that,  The Zebes were home to more zebras, from Siena this time.

Juventus 0:0 Siena

Um, this was a boring and disappointing one.  As usual, I remember very little.  One thing I know for sure, however...



Mirketto was dire.  I mean seriously bad.  Conte left him on the pitch for far too long.



When Conte finally subbed in Borriello, he was tragic as well.



So Marco tried to make up for his fail by baiting the ref.  Despite his insanely tender years, Mr. Peruzzo didn't bite.



While taller strikers were on the pitch exploring the limits of Suck (hint:  Suck has no limits), my boyfriend spent the match, as usual, in the stands.



Lichtsteiner is starting to come unglued.



Paolino is starting to get his form back, which is bad news for Bonucci.




This guy, whoever the fuck he is, had the match of his life.  *sigh*  Unknown keepers from second-rate teams are not supposed to be able to stop the mighty Zebes.


The refereeing was bad, but I don't remember exactly what he did wrong.

Gigi gave the ref a little talking-to after the match.  For some reason, I think the reffing was bad all over that weekend, but I've blocked it all out now.


By the way, how cold is it in northern Italy?



it's so cold in northern Italy that Keyser Giorgio, Giorgio of the Jungle, our sweet Gio, is training in tights like a pussy.




Milos is still here, in case you were wondering.



El Pelado is hanging with the cool kids, of which he is certainly one.  Meanwhile, Vidal has started brooding about how he thought he was the cute brown one.  To which I say, Aw honey, you're very cute.  And here's the part I don't say:  But Martin is smokin' hot.  Mamma Mia!

(Oh dear.  I'm watching a replay of Inter-Novara and Caracciolo has just scored.  Martha must be spitting nails. *pats her*)

So that's it for the other zebra-stripey squads.  Perhaps now we can get back to kit selections that makes sense.

Old Lady Post: Coppa coppa Cáceres

Originally posted on February 4, 2012

JUVENTUS 3:0 ROMA

Come with me if you will to January 24, to the Coppa match against scary A.S. Roma.  The Giallorossi had just come off a 5-1 pounding of lowly Cesena whereas the Zebes were worried that their non-losing streak might come to an end.  Some of us hoped that we might see some lost boys in the line-up, given that it was a Coppa match.  However, Bunny favorites Vincenzo and the Green-Eyed Gorilla of Love were nowhere to be seen in any of the photos of the January training sessions, so it looked unlikely that either would appear.   Would Conte play to win?

Of course he would.  Conte plays to win every effing match.  It's the only way to maintain the proper grinta.

Before we dive in, let's consider this photo:


If it's January 2010, I think we all look at the smirk and the wink and think eeewwwwww.  But this is 2012, and we all love him now, and his creepy facial expressions are no longer all that upsetting.  Go figure.

Old Lady Post: Lost Boys in the Middle East

Originally posted on January 12, 2012


Um, yeah.  So it turns out that there is such a thing a a post that's too large.  I was surprised to discover this given some of the monstrously oversized Inter posts we have seen in past days, but there it is.  That means the end of the last post now gets to be its own post.

OK, then, let's get in the way-back machine and head back to December. Let's join the boys in training, shall we?



I was going to say that maybe I can back off Defcom Golf because I could look at Pepe without wanting to punch him, but now I see that he's twiddling his facial hair like a cartoon villain.  Safety first.  We remain at Defcom Golf.

Old Lady Post: Not Losing in December

Originally published on January 9, 2012

Il Mister is grateful that his hair plugs turned out well.

We're slowly getting caught up here.   Here are the salient facts: The Zebes have yet to lose, they got an ugly win against Lecce yesterday, and they haven't offloaded Amauri yet.  Before I get to any of that, though, I hope your enjoy another "best of"-style half-assed Tardy!spam recapping the last three matches of December.

Old Lady Post: Seahorses and Napolitani

Originally posted on December 31, 2011



To pick up where we left off, it was time finally to visit the San Paolo.  Giornata 11 had been postponed because Tio Aurelio is soooooo afraid of the mighty mighty zebras that he conspired with God to make it rain so the match could not be played on November 6.  Or something like that.  I didn't pay much attention to the silly theories.  I don't read the Napoli press, but I imagine they were saying similar things about Agnelli and his evil minions.  Napoli is having an odd season.  They're performing
wonderfully in Europe but underachieving in league play.




On the other hand, Juventus was unbeaten and that surely cannot last.  They have to crash at some point and the San Paolo is kind of a scary place to play, so it seemed likely that this would be a nail-biter.  And it was.

Old Lady Post: Pinks and Laziale

Originally posted on December 30, 2011

Gee.  I wonder what the 29s are for? *smirk*


I have to wonder how many of you are still out there.  Spams have been slow in coming, I know, but I thought maybe I'd finish the year with some make-up spams and see if I can bring everyone up to date before the winter mercato starts bringing us actual facts instead of crazy rumors.

Old Lady Post: Lost Boys of Juventus

In which Simone Loria graduates from pathetic joke to Dirtbunny's Enemies List.

It has become dead obvious that Conte cares much more about winning not losing than he does about squad rotation.  While this approach has worked wonders for the Zebes' position in the table, it also means that we rarely get a glimpse of anyone on the B team.  I don't know about you, but I've been missing certain senior citizens, babies, invalids, and outcasts.  Let's take a peek at what they've been doing,

Half-Hearted Old Lady Post: Chievo. Bleh. Whatever

Originally posted on October 19, 2011




Chievo Verona 0:0 Juventus

It's not like I expected the Donkeys would crush the Zebes.  It's just that, well, you know, they can, and they have, and last year they did.  (Oh wait.  The andata last year was a draw.  It felt like a loss at the time and it still does.)  This time around, Juve managed a clean sheet on  a decent defensive performance and a lackluster offensive performance.  A null-null draw.  Just like nearly everyone else in Serie A last weekend.  How very exciting.


The star of the show:



And not just because he always is, either.  Because he came on as a SuperSub, immediately fired things up, made a crucial goal line clearance, and was mighty unlucky to knock a fine shot off the post.

I'm going to be blunt.  I'm really not in the mood for any of this.  However, it's not the players'  fault that I'm so bummed, and it's not your fault either.  I've got about 75 photos and some of them are pretty good and the Zebes survived an away game against the Donkeys.  Woo.  Hoo.  So on I go as is my  duty  privilege.  Fortunately, nothing much happened, so there wouldn't be much to say anyway.

*sniffle*

So a Springsteen song just came up in the IPOD rotation and I got all teary.  A lot of people think that ADP resembles Springsteen.  I don't see it, but I've heard it so many times that now I associate Springsteen with ADP every time I hear one of his songs.  I'm still very upset.  Very upset.  I feel like I need to go online and buy one of every ADP jersey that's available to buy.  Reacting to adversity by shopping.  And they say that my left-wing views and inside-the-beltway address mean I'm not a real American.

Unrelated to ADP, sometimes I'm struck by how mature and dare I say deep Springsteen's early lyrics are.  He was in his early 20s and barely begun to live.  What can someone like that possibly know about feeling trapped, the desperation to live as one's authentic self, or um.... llluuuuuuuuussssssssssssssst?  Fortunately, most popular music contains properly vapid and shallow lyrics so my mind isn't blown too often.

Old Lady Post: Niente Dire

Today at a shareholder's meeting, Andrea Agnelli announced that this would be Alessandro Del Piero's last season at Juventus.



I have always heard it said that Del Piero decides when Del Piero leaves Juventus.  So much for that.  Andrea Agnelli's Juventus is first and foremost a business run for the benefit of the shareholders.  Fuck the fans and fuck ADP too.  Don't even give him a chance to make a graceful announcement.

I'm stunned and can't decide whether to cry or throw up.

Old Lady Post: Triple Dose of Coulda Been Worse

Originally posted on October 1, 2011


Hey Tifosi!


Remember me?

Like Gio, I've been around; you just haven't seen me.  I blame my boss, Uncle Sam, who can be a real dick sometimes.  But that's all done now, and Gio and I are both back.  The Milan match is tomorrow and I'll need to start drinking early, so here's the Cliff Notes version of the last three matches.

Old Lady Post: Something is Different

Originally posted on September 13, 2011

JUVENTUS 4:1 PARMA



Guess which one scored a goal.

Old Lady Post: Paolino Lives

 A fair number of photos from the Napoli match were posted late, and we have some mercato news to catch up with (nothing you don't already know, of course), so let's dig right in.




Hooray for Loooca! A meter ninety six of green-eyed gorilla love. *swoon*

Old Lady Post: Fail. FAIL FAIL FAIL

Juventus whatever:  Everyone else  Forty Billion


So.  Three matches, two points, Zebes can't keep a lead, Delneri is canned, mercato rumors blah blah blah.  Is there really any point to a big rehash?  No.  No there isn't.  It might have been different.....




...but it wasn't.

Spring Update

The Helping Profession has changed my meds again and the adjustment period has been a bear.  I've been feeling sick pretty much all the time, plus confused and depressed about being sick, and angry that I haven't figured out how to regulate my treatment regimen so that I'm not feeling lightheaded and stupid all the time.  I think the worst is over  *crosses fingers*  because I'm back to being ordinarily stupid rather than exceptionally stupid.  I just have to remember to eat before 3 pm and space my calories out more throughout the day.  I've "just" had to do this for the last decade and so far I haven't done that good a job but, hey, tomorrow's a new day.

I've had a few sick days, so I've had some extra TV time and, around here, TV means football.  The season is almost over.  Two more weekends before we enter the Dark Times.   Meanwhile,  ADP just signed a contract extension so he's good for one more year.  The zebes aren't completely out of it yet, but they've reached the point where it isn't enough for them to succeed--others must fail.  Today's Juventus match is probably ending right about now, so you can guess what I'm doing tonight.  There's also the Giro d'Italia.  My boyfriend Fabian Cancellara, along with the Schleck Bros., moved to team Leopard trek this season, but none of them are participating.  Someone from their team actually died today after a crash.  Wow.

Old Lady Post: How I love those stripey morons!

 Lazio 0:1 Juventus



Lichtsteiner can't believe it and neither can I.


Just when you think you can get some distance from the fail and maybe even go on with your life, they do something wonderful and before you know it, you're forgiving them and letting them move back in with their ugly sofa, even though you know in two days two hours they'll have their asses parked on that sofa, watching WWE Smackdown,  spilling beer and getting Cheetos dust all over the place.   You know you'd be better off with some other squadra, one that at least puts some respectable effort into their fail, but you just can't live without them.  Bastards.

Zebras:  What?  *BELCH!*
DB :  *sigh*

So here they are with their low-hanging pants and backwards baseball caps and they flex their biceps and do some idiot new skateboard trick* and say "Aw, come on baby.  You know you're my girl."  And here I am tripping over their stinky gym shoes, doing their laundry, and fetching stuff from the fridge, loving every minute of it and hating myself for loving it.


*Was "cool" once, but may no longer be cool.  I'm old.  Please substitute updated imagery if necessary.

Old Lady Post: Masters of their Own Demise

 ADP  2:2  Juventus Defense



Don't bother, Fabio. I am unmoved by your "remorse."


*throws up hands in disgust*  What am I supposed to say?  *sigh*

Napoli, Lazio, and Udinese all lost (thanks Parma!  um  and Inter, I guess) which means that the top of the table is even more compact than it was and this might have been a chance to, not move up exactly, but get closer and keep hope alive.  However, the Muscle-Headed Fuckwits in Stripes are all so.... so..... so......FUCKING STUPID  that they forgot how many times they've blown a lead in the last two seasons, and they decided to end the game early cos it's only Catania, after all.  When it was over, a few of them were pissed, but no one bothered to show any passion while they were on the fucking pitch.  If they can't be bothered to stay in the game until it's over, if they're happy to sit around and rely on the genius of their elderly captain---who is ONCE AGAIN the side's leading scorer in official matches this season, if they think running is too hard or defending is too boring, then why on earth do we bother with them?

Old Ladzzzzzzzz

 Fiorentina 0:0  Juventus


It's kind of difficult to complain much.  Maybe the zebes aren't actual shit, but they play football like they're shit.


Sooooooo boring.  The whole match was a Festival Of Feh in which the most exciting thing that happened was that Leo yelled at Sorensen for getting a stupid yellow card.  Roma lost, so the boys had the chance to move into sixth, and they didn't do it.   Actually, they didn't do much of anything.  Fortunately, neither did Viola.

Old Lady Post: Brescia Spam

Originally published on March 28, 2011

Juventus 2:1 Brescia


Looks like someone's been watching Quags highlight reels.

That's better!  The good news is that the zebes can beat a relegation-bound squad when the relegation-bound squad's best players are all suspended or sucking like woah.  The bad news is that the zebes are not yet mathematically safe from relegation themselves.  Also, late post means I can't remember much, but the photos are better cos Daylife posted photos late themselves.  Captiano scored a goal in the run of play, Gigi was not forced to commit any professional fouls to save the match, and Krasic woke up.  Vincenzo hurt himself during a training session and is out for the season, which is too bad, but it wasn't like he wasn't always injured anyway and this might give him time to rest and actually recover.