Wretched

Summer continues to trudge along Chez Nous.  The farm box comes every Wednesday and the dogs beg for whatever might be in there, which lately has included a lot of kale.  You want kale?  OK, here you go:

They greedily grab it, chew it a few times, spit it out ("yuck") and then beg for more:

Can you smell that?

If you ask Mr. D, he will almost invariably say "no."  His official position is that he can't smell anything.  So when you overhear him muttering this to the Yarn Bandit:

I can't stay mad at you, even though you reduce our environmental conditions to that of a hellhole.

...then you know you have a serious problem.  It's not like we don't clean up after the devilish urinator--we do--but he can be really sneaky, and it's hard to get it completely out.  Over time, and especially when it gets hot and humid, an above-and-beyond-the-call cleansing of the Hellhole is unavoidable.  And so, this morning, we rolled up the rugs, salvaged the salvageable rug pad and tossed the others, and took the rugs out to be professionally cleaned.  We will be back to the bare wood floors for three or four weeks.

Dawn Patrol

So here I am, up real real early to start my workday and report the news.

1. We had about a foot and a half of snow this weekend.  It's hard to know exactly because it has been windy and there is a fair amount of drifting.  The snow is taller than the dogs.
2. The government and the schools are closed today.  Also, no trash pickup.  They never cancel trash pickup!  And it's all good because we can't get the trash cans out of the garage and down the hill anyway.
3. I just five minutes ago fnished the last of my secret Christmas stuff.  Now I can knit on something fun for me.
4. The Man has shoveled us a path down the front stairs to the street, and he has shoveled the public sidewalks adjacent to the house (we are on the corner, so that's A LOT of shoveling), he has carved out a space around the car on three sides (although there is still a wall of snow between the car and the street), and he scratched out a little path out the sliding glass door to a dog potty area.  The deck and the back door are impassable, as is the driveway.
5. Kirby keeps trying to climb the snow wall at the end of the dog potty path so he can frolic.  (I don't think he understands that the snow on the other side of that wall  is deeper than he is tall.)
6. Tiki finds the limited potty area to be unsatisfactory (he has some favorite places he likes to go, and he rotates them so nothing gets used but every so often), so he has been protesting by leaving piles on the rug in the middle of the night.
7. It has also been snowing in Tuscany, Lombardy, Emilia-Romagna, Liguria, Friuli, and the Veneto, so a lot of Italian football games were cancelled this weekend.  Bummer.
8. I have been baking up a storm.
9. The Man has been alternating between grumping about the shoveling and grumping about the dishes created by the baking.  He's trying hard not to be a pill about it.  Maybe when the shoveling is done he'll be able to appreciate our winter wonderland.
10. Except for a few loose ends, the work on the HellHole is done.  At last!
11. Bianconeri beat the league leaders, then bombed out of Champions League in ignominious fashion, then lost pathetically to a team that just got promoted.  They played the worst team in Serie A yesterday.  I'm afraid to look.
12. It's best not to mention Liverpool FC right now.
13. Despite the snow and the so-far-inadequate street plowing, every yahoo with an SUV has been parading up and down the street.  Where are they all going?  I refuse to believe that they are all doctors and nurses pulling emergency shifts at the hospitals.  I think they are mostly victims of Big Mac Attacks and Mall Withdrawal.  Dummies.
14. Kirby would like you to know that it is now light out so that means it's time for his breakfast you stupid humans so can we please feed the Kirby?  That means I gotta go.

The Daily Decrepit

Surprise!

That bit of rotted-out wood under the roofline?  That's not trim.  That's structural!

Option A:  Rip off the 3-year-old roof, replace the beam, rebuild the roof, and then paint.

Option B:  Treat it as best you can, cover it carefully with a piece of composite trim, caulk it half to death, and then paint.

Option C:  Give up, sell the house, and live in a box in the woods down by the elementary school.

Hellhole Roll Call

DB:  Let’s begin. Okay then. Dennis?


Dennis: Yo.

DB: Do you have the keys to my shed? We couldn’t get in there this weekend.

Dennis: Yeah. Sorry bout that.

DB: Gilberto?

Gilberto: Yes, ma’am.

DB: Happy Birthday.

Gilberto: Thank you.

Kirby:  I’m here. *trembles*

DB: I know sweetie.

Anxiety: BOO!

DB: Wait your turn. Carlos?

Carlos: Yes.

Kirby:  I’m here. *trembles*

DB: Jose?

Jose: Si.

Kirby:  I’m here. *trembles*

DB: Yes, Kirby. Mike?

Carlos: He’s coming later.

DB: OK.

Anxiety: Yayayayayayaya! *cackles*

DB: I said wait your turn.

Gilberto: Excuse me. May I show you something in the garage please?

DB: *sighs* Yes. I’ll be right there.


~pauses to examine garage~


DB: Okay. That was fun.

Kirby:  I’m here. *trembles*

Anxiety: NINETY NINE BOTTLE OF BEER ON THE WALL, NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEEEEEEEERRRRRR...

DB: *ignores* Uncle Sam?

Uncle Sam: I’m here. You know it. I know it. The American people know it.

Kirby:  I’m here. *trembles*

DB: *pats Kirby*

Anxiety: TAKE ONE DOWN AND PASS IT AROUND, NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL....

DB: Tiki?

Tiki: zzzzz, huh? food? wha? no? zzzzzzzz

Kirby:    I’m here. *trembles*

Anethea the dog walker: TEEEEEEEKEEEEEEEE! KIRRRRBEEEEEEE! WHERE’S MY BOYEEEEES?

Kirby: ONOZ! *hides*

Tiki: zzzzzzz wha? gimme a belly rub *rolls over*

Anxiety: YOU SUUUUUUUUUUCK! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! LOSER!

DB: Shut up and wait your turn. Garage door guy 1?

Garage Door guy 1: yeah

DB: Garage Door guy 2?

Garage Door guy 2: yeah. Hey. Can you get them to move the truck?

DB: Yes. Just a minute. *large crash from the attic*

Anxiety: I WON’T SHUT UP! juuuuust SIT RIGHT BACK AND YOU’LL HEAR A TALE. A TALE OF A FATEFUL TRIP. THAT STARTED FROM THIS TROPIC PORT ABOARD THIS TINY SHIP

DB: Garage Door guy 3?

Garage Door guy 2: He’s outside.

DB: Very well. Major Depression, Chronic, Recurrent?

Major Depression, Chronic, Recurrent: *rolls over and pulls covers over her head*

DB: That’s constructive.

Anxiety: THE MATE WAS A MIGHTY SAILING MAN, THE SKIPPER BRAVE AND SURE. FIVE PASSENGERS SET SAIL THAT DAY FOR A THREE HOUR TOUR.

DB: Window man?

Anethea the dog walker:  SEE YA TOMORROW!!!!

Kirby: Save me Bunny *trembles*

Anxiety: A THREE HOUR TOUR!

Major Depression, Chronic, Recurrent:   Fuck you all!

DB: Window man? *power tool revs up in garage*

Window Man: um yeah. Where’s the window?

DB: *shows him*

Anxiety: THE WEATHER STARTED GETTING ROUGH, THE TINY SHIP WAS TOSSED.  IF NOT FOR THE COURAGE OF THE FEARLESS CREW THE MINNOW WOULD BE LOST.

Carlos: May I use your bathroom?

DB: Of course. *shows him*

Anxiety: THE MINNOW WOULD BE LOST! *LIGHTNING CRASHES*

*telephone rings*

The Man:   Hey Bunny, How’s it going?

Anxiety: THE SHIP SET DOWN ON THE SHORE OF THIS UNCHARTED DESERT ISLE

DB: Can I call you back?

Gilberto: Excuse me. May I show you something up on the roof?

The Man: I guess. *grumps* Bye. *hangs up*

Anxiety: WITH GIIIIIILIGAAAAANNNNNNNNN

DB: *goes with Gilberto*

~pause to examine the roof~

DB:  *returns*

Kirby:  Where were you?  It was terrible! *trembles*

Major Depression, Chronic, Recurrent: I told you so

Carlos’s Boss: *comes in and starts poking around*

Uncle Sam:  Ahem.  I am paying you to write memos, aren't I?

DB:  Yes sir right away sir.  *writes a memo*

Anxiety: THE SKIPPER TOOOOOOOOO

Kirby: I’m here. *trembles*

Window guy: Can I get you to sign something?

Major Depression, Chronic, Recurrent: dumbass. what were you thinking? living in a hellhole is all you deserve 

DB: Gio?

Imaginary Gio: Yes, love. What do you need?

Kirby: I’m here. *trembles*

DB: Alessa?

Anxiety: THE MILLIONAIRRRRRRE

DB:  ALESSA?!

Kirby: I’m here. *trembles*

ADP: You’re OK. Take a deep breath.

Kirby: I’m here. *trembles*

Anxiety: AND HIS WIFE

DB: *whimpers*

Kirby: I’m here. *trembles*

Imaginary Gio: I’ve got this. You go talk to Alessa. I can handle these guys.

DB: *pats Kirby*

Anxiety: THE MOOOOOOOVIE STAHR!

Gilberto: Excuse me. May I show you something outside?

Imaginary Gio: Yeah, Gilberto. Why don’t you talk to me about this? *goes off with Gilberto*

Kirby: I’m here. *trembles*

DB: *whimpers*

Kirby: I’m here. *trembles*

Kirby: I’m here. *trembles*

Anxiety: THE PERFESSER AAAAAND MARYAAAAANNNNNNNNN

ADP: *puts arm around DB* I’ve got you.

Anxiety: HEEEEEEERE ON GIIILIGAN’S IIIIIIILSE!

ADP: Let’s pretend it's raining. I’ll close all the blinds so it’s dark, put on the thunderstorm CD really loud, and light some candles. You just relax and take a deep breath.  Kirby, you go sit over there on your dog bed and hush, OK?




DB: *sits over there and takes a deep breath*



ADP: Have a Prosecco, Bunny. *loud crash from the attic*

DB: *whimpers*

ADP: Don’t worry about that. Let Gio handle it.  *puts arms around Dirtbunny and rocks her*



DB: *takes a deep breath*

ADP: Good girl. You can do it.





DB: Oh Alessa, you’re so good to me.

ADP: Only the best for my Dirtbunny.

The Daily Decrepit

I love rain, but every silver lining has a cloud.

The Daily Decrepit

There are so many layers of decrepit here, I don't know where to begin, so I'll let you do the counting.  By the way, the metal grill there belongs to a package heating and cooling unit that is itself a noisy/stinky/inefficient/energy-wasting piece of crap.  Plus ugly, on the inside AND the outside.

Don't worry.  Even though he was not allowed outside during the photo shoot, Kirby kept close tabs on me.  Yarn Bandit is over there on the blue cushion, taking care of number one and not giving a damn about me.

The Daily Decrepit

Guess how much it is going to cost to replace this tiny little rotted-out window in the attic?

If you want to see my latest rant and don't usually bother with the stupid knitting stuff, click here.

The Daily Decrepit

You could probably kick the garage door down if you wanted, at least you could if you have legs.  If you don't have legs, you'll have to use a flyswatter.

That's OK though, because this is what's in the garage.

Except the tools, which went home with Edwin.  So where, you might ask, is all the stuff one customarily finds in Dirtbunny's garage?

It's in the house.  I try not to think about it.

The Daily Decrepit

Do we have bugs?

Yes.  Yes, we do.

Dirtbunny Loves Edwin

Edwin is Dirtbunny's electrician.  He fixes bad stuff and makes it work.  He is a highly-trained, licensed professional, just like Dirtbunny.  When the wiring that powered, among other things, the television (OHNOZ!) blew a few years ago, it was Edwin who pointed out that we could run (get this) an extension cord from a good outlet to power the toob until the bad wiring could be replaced.  Dirtbunny is living proof that no mere layperson could figure that out; it takes a qualified electrician.  Not only did he give that advice, he did not follow it with "you idiot," "dumbass," "morons," or anything of the like.  He has kept this nightmare of a DIY-built shack from bursting into flames.  I love him, and you can't have him.

The Daily Decrepit

If you come for a visit, please don't use the front stairs.  We don't want to get sued.  Thankyouverymuch.

The Daily Decrepit

A.  No gutters, OR

B:  This gutter:

You decide.

Marco Mercoledi Venerdi

But first, here's your "daily" decrepit:

And now on with our show.










Mmmmmmm, Marco.  Yeah, that's right, you don't care so you don't get a Marcophoto, even though he scored this week, about which you also don't care.

This passive-aggressive post was brought to you by Dirtbunny, center of attention since 1967.

Happy Hellhole

It's better in a hellhole

You know where you stand in a hellhole

Folks lend a hand in a hellhole

Girl get me back to my hellhole

---David St. Hubbins & Nigel Tufnel

Sometimes, the level of decrepitude with which I am surrounded is mindboggling.

How did this happen?  I really wish I still had a live-in Daddy to take care of all this stuff so I could just knit and watch futbol all day.  (Serie A has midweek fixtures today and tomorrow.  Juve versus Samp.  Yikes.)  But I don't.  I am required to be a grownup, and so I am.

In this time of turmoil, The Boys are willing to have a little more together time than previously.

Look!  They're sharing!  Aww.  There has also been some learning:

Wise Kirby, figuring out after 3 1/2 years that sometimes it's a waste of dogtime to follow Dirtbunny all the way down to the basement if she's only going to be down there for a few seconds.  So he waits, on yellow alert, at the top of the stairs for her to come back.  If she takes "too long" according to his internal dogtime reckoning, he whines, then he comes down anyway.


No learning going on here:

Always, ALWAYS checking for food, even though he's not getting any.

Which one is the cutest?  Which one is the good-est?  Which one is the nicest?  I can't decide either.

What Dirtbunny Did this Week

Because, as we all know, she measures her lovability and self-worth according to how much she has accomplished.

• Talked with umpteen contractors and signed various contracts.
• Got flu shot.
• Solved mystery of the check the bank paid out twice.
• Flooded the basement.
• Availed self of golden oppurtunity to clean laundry room floor.
• Discovered this:

Do you want a closer look?

 

Now you know, and let's not speak of it for a while, OK?

• Gave dogs their monthly anti-flea and heartworm medicine on time.
• Finished and blocked two bits of lace.
• Went to the vampire.
• Ate broccoli before it went bad.
• Bought dishwasher.
• Took load of crap to Goodwill.
• Scheduled next visit with the head doctor.
• Completed annual "confidential" how do you like working here survey.
• Discovered that problem with heat and a/c in basement is not that it is crappy, but that there is no heat or a/c in basement.
• Confronted multiple instances of the celebration of mediocrity over substance and did not go postal or fetal.
• In connection with above photographs, confirmed suspicion that there is no insulation whatsoever in garage ceiling/bedroom floor.
• Cooked ground beef before it turned brown.
• Ironed a shirt that really needed it.
• Disposed of dead mop.
• Remembered to refill prescriptions before I ran out.
• Went to the toe store.
• Installed anti-virus software that Geek Squad deleted without my permission.
• Watched a whole lot of football and programmed the DVR to record yet more football.
• Paid off a credit card.
• Found apparently competent HVAC guy who says he can make all my HVAC dreams come true.
• Got snuggly wool blanket out of storage and put it on the bed.
• Retired ancient bathrobe with broken zipper.
• Wrote a really big check.
• Saw photograph of Italian calciotorri in The Washington Post and did not fall down dead.
• Kept most of my appointments.
• Knew results of Liverpool/Chelsea match, but did not spoil it for The Man.
• Remembered to wear my anti-TMJ device every night this week.