Old Lady Post: Lost Boys in the Middle East

Originally posted on January 12, 2012


Um, yeah.  So it turns out that there is such a thing a a post that's too large.  I was surprised to discover this given some of the monstrously oversized Inter posts we have seen in past days, but there it is.  That means the end of the last post now gets to be its own post.

OK, then, let's get in the way-back machine and head back to December. Let's join the boys in training, shall we?



I was going to say that maybe I can back off Defcom Golf because I could look at Pepe without wanting to punch him, but now I see that he's twiddling his facial hair like a cartoon villain.  Safety first.  We remain at Defcom Golf.

Buon Natale da Juve

Originally posted on December 20, 2011


As Martha and Inter have so aptly demonstrated, football suits of all varieties, through their evil PR minions, will never tire of forcing their players to sacrifice whatever tiny amount of dignity they might have by doing stupid things that may or may not help sell more t-shirts.  Juventus is no exception.  Here is their Christmas message, in two parts.

Now before you click, think about what you are about to see.  There will be some awkwardness, obviously.  Some bad singing, natch.  Some people who are just so damn happy to be allowed to represent for the zebes in public that they are about to burst.  Some people who clearly have contracts exempting the from this sort of shit.  Some language-impaired people.  Some disturbingly enthusiastic people.  Some grumpusses.  And one super-classy guy who perfectly finds the sweet spot where he can be a good sport without being a tool. 

I'm sure you won't be surprised by who turns out to be the biggest goober.






No!  I WON'T do an lj-cut!





&hearts to one and all


P.S.  There are renewed rumors about Martin Caceres coming back.  It's probably bullshit, but maybe it could happen if we all ask Santa.

P.P.S. Every time I play the one with Mirko, my beagle Tiki growls.

Old Lady Post: Lost Boys of Juventus

In which Simone Loria graduates from pathetic joke to Dirtbunny's Enemies List.

It has become dead obvious that Conte cares much more about winning not losing than he does about squad rotation.  While this approach has worked wonders for the Zebes' position in the table, it also means that we rarely get a glimpse of anyone on the B team.  I don't know about you, but I've been missing certain senior citizens, babies, invalids, and outcasts.  Let's take a peek at what they've been doing,

Old Lady Post: Fail. FAIL FAIL FAIL

Juventus whatever:  Everyone else  Forty Billion


So.  Three matches, two points, Zebes can't keep a lead, Delneri is canned, mercato rumors blah blah blah.  Is there really any point to a big rehash?  No.  No there isn't.  It might have been different.....




...but it wasn't.

Old Lady Post: How I love those stripey morons!

 Lazio 0:1 Juventus



Lichtsteiner can't believe it and neither can I.


Just when you think you can get some distance from the fail and maybe even go on with your life, they do something wonderful and before you know it, you're forgiving them and letting them move back in with their ugly sofa, even though you know in two days two hours they'll have their asses parked on that sofa, watching WWE Smackdown,  spilling beer and getting Cheetos dust all over the place.   You know you'd be better off with some other squadra, one that at least puts some respectable effort into their fail, but you just can't live without them.  Bastards.

Zebras:  What?  *BELCH!*
DB :  *sigh*

So here they are with their low-hanging pants and backwards baseball caps and they flex their biceps and do some idiot new skateboard trick* and say "Aw, come on baby.  You know you're my girl."  And here I am tripping over their stinky gym shoes, doing their laundry, and fetching stuff from the fridge, loving every minute of it and hating myself for loving it.


*Was "cool" once, but may no longer be cool.  I'm old.  Please substitute updated imagery if necessary.

Old Lady Post: Masters of their Own Demise

 ADP  2:2  Juventus Defense



Don't bother, Fabio. I am unmoved by your "remorse."


*throws up hands in disgust*  What am I supposed to say?  *sigh*

Napoli, Lazio, and Udinese all lost (thanks Parma!  um  and Inter, I guess) which means that the top of the table is even more compact than it was and this might have been a chance to, not move up exactly, but get closer and keep hope alive.  However, the Muscle-Headed Fuckwits in Stripes are all so.... so..... so......FUCKING STUPID  that they forgot how many times they've blown a lead in the last two seasons, and they decided to end the game early cos it's only Catania, after all.  When it was over, a few of them were pissed, but no one bothered to show any passion while they were on the fucking pitch.  If they can't be bothered to stay in the game until it's over, if they're happy to sit around and rely on the genius of their elderly captain---who is ONCE AGAIN the side's leading scorer in official matches this season, if they think running is too hard or defending is too boring, then why on earth do we bother with them?

Old Ladzzzzzzzz

 Fiorentina 0:0  Juventus


It's kind of difficult to complain much.  Maybe the zebes aren't actual shit, but they play football like they're shit.


Sooooooo boring.  The whole match was a Festival Of Feh in which the most exciting thing that happened was that Leo yelled at Sorensen for getting a stupid yellow card.  Roma lost, so the boys had the chance to move into sixth, and they didn't do it.   Actually, they didn't do much of anything.  Fortunately, neither did Viola.

Old Lady Post: Three in a Row

 Juventus  3:2  Genoa 






I don't care where Genoa is in the table.  The last few seasons, you never know who Juventus is going to put on the pitch.  Could be a herd of zebras, moving in concert  against a common enemy.  Could be a bunch of broken draft ponies painted black and white, each one trying his hardest not to get caught  by the man from the glue factory.  Again, with no Gigi, no Gio, and no ADP--and NO GROSSO!  hahahahahaha--- who could know what would happen?  Milan. Inter, Napoli, Lazio, and Roma all won this weekend, but Udinese lost, so Juve gained points on someone, anyway, AND they're mathematically guaranteed not to be relegated.  Hot diggety.

Loooca Lunedi

Things are different over there.

Old Lady Post: Milan Cheats

  Juventus 0:1 Milan




Well, what else would you call it?  With all the attacking threats Milan has, who would have thought that Juventus would have to protect the goal from Rino Gattuso?  I mean come on!  Rino almost never scores.  His last goal was October 23, 2008 against Heerenveen, whoever the fuck that is.  If Rino is going to score, Milan might as well have been playing with an invisible extra man, and maybe I can't find a rule against that in The Laws of the Game, but that doesn't make it right.  Sheesh.

Old Lady Post: It's Official

Juventus 0:2 Ex-Juventus Bologna




The Bianconeri have their heads firmly up their butts.

Old Lady Post: It wasn't just a dream

  Juventus  1:0  Inter




Are you serious?   Raise your hand if you thought that beating Inter was even possible.  *looks around*  That's what I thought.  I suppose we Juventini have gotten so used to playing without real forwards and a real left back for so long that we lost sight of what our boys can do.

"Our boys."  SNORT!  Of the eleven starters yesterday, only four of them were regular starters last season.  Maybe if you either sell or bench everyone who sucks and go out and get all new players who are better, the team will achieve better results.  Who knew?

pagelle

Old Lady Post: Sardine Spam

I know this is super tardy.  I know there was another match today.  I've seen it, but I'm not sure I can trust my eyes.  There's the delicious grape, see, which may be clouding my judgment.  I'm really not convinced by the score I seem to have seen, because I'm not that lucky.  This feeling that my senses can't be trusted is intensified by the sight of Leo running around the Stadio Olimpico in his underpants.  I must be in some state of altered consciousness, because God doesn't make them that special.  Boy puts DDR to shame.

Tomorrow, when I'm sober, I shall look to see what really happened.  Until now then (see?  The brain she is not functioning properly), I bring you last weekend's match.  I can't remember much about it anyway, so it's not like my commentary would be improved by mental lucidity.  That's not a nice thing to say.  Fine.  Relative mental lucidity.  Is that better?

Cagliari 1:3 Juventus

pagelle

Old Lady Post: Effin' Pinks

 Palermo 2:1  Juventus

Oh.  My.  GOD!  Let's just save everyone the inconvenience of travel and the risk of injury and fucking forfeit the Palermo matches, hmm?  Yes, there

were a lot of bad calls, including two missed penalties, but CRIPES! what about all the blown chances?

I dunno man.  Is it me?  Am I cursing the squad by

wearing my Juve scarf whenever they play?  Has my bad attitude and general aura of gloom and pessimism transferred to the boys?  Does my overarching self-absorption

exhaust them to the point where they have no energy for football?  Whaiiiiiiiiiiiii?  WHY?  WHYWHYWHYWHY?  *pulls out hair*

pagelle

Old Lady Post: Coppa Spam

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED ON JANUARY 18, 2011




Juventus 1:0 Catania

It was a busy week.  Juventus advanced in the Coppa Italia and beat Bari at home to scrape up three much-needed points.  There were some injuries and some recoveries and some transfers that ended up not happening, but by far the most important thing that happened was this:
Gigi is back.



That face!

His back is squared away.  His hair is squared away.  His form is squared away.  His attitude is squared away:

It’s a beautiful emotion that for someone who has won a World Cup, played in a Champions League final, and played in so many important stadiums like me, that this night meant so much to me even if it was “just” a Coppa match. I must thank the fans who often said “Why the hell are you staying here when you could leave and win in other places?” I don’t think I could find this kind of affection anywhere else, and maybe it’s true that I could leave and win elsewhere, but the love they give me is worth more than any kind of victory, it’s amazing. I thank them from the bottom of my heart.  source

He loves us back!

Catania pagelle

Old Lady Post: Life After Quags

Originally posted on January 10, 2011.



 Napoli 3:0 Juventus




On the one hand, that blew, obviously.  On the other hand, it was an honorable loss to a good team on a day when their creepy striker was insanely good.  I dunno about you, but I for one am more satisfied with this match than I was with the Chievo draw.

Lanzafame is officially gone to Brescia to be near Zebina, which is the worst punishment that the suits could come up with.  Another blow for us Attitude Problems, poor misunderstood problem children that we are.  Speaking of attitude problems, I really really really really want to believe that this Mutu rumor is bullshit, but I'm getting ready to panic just in case, and no Martha, the photo..... 

... is not helping me see any positive possibilities.  This Fernando Torres rumor is almost certainly crap and please dear God let this Ryan Babel rumor be wrong, which it probably is, since it comes from Goal.com.  I live in a Liverpool-Juventus household and those teams trading their problems back and forth does neither of us any good.  Oh, and Dzeko has gone to Man City, so that's over at least until the summer window.

Old Lady Post: Excellent Elf Brace Leads Juve to Fabulous 4-2 Victory!

Originally Published on January 7, 2011




JUVENTUS 1:4 PARMA

JUVENTUS 4:2 PARMA




What a week!  And what a time for Elf to come alive!  All season long, he's been struggling with only one goal, but Thursday he scored TWO beautiful goals.  His Juve masters are surely beaming with pleasure.  I know I am.  Everything good happened, but even more important, nothing bad happened!  Nothing bad at all!

Match Report

Loooca Lunedi

It has been a while, but he's still around.

Old Lady Post: Needs More Frog

Genoa 0:2 Juventus

I know.  It was forever ago and the next match against Mighty Marco and the Bleeding Violas starts in about half an hour.  Do you want to see the pictures or not?

Okay then.




Don't mess with the sacred Sunday lunch or Italians will protest vehemently.  Seriously.  Google Translate isn't helping me much here, but I'm an American, and we Americans know that when you see the words "family," "children," and "sin" together, somebody is mighty pissed off.


I barely even remember this game, so let's mainly just stick with the photos.

FCD prepares for WC10

Clarabelle will not permit me to give up, so I'm going to try to do this properly.  It's time to take stock before preliminary squad lists are due.  Where is FCB the weakest?  It would have to be the midfield.  Who've I got?  Rino (old), Cesckipoo (broken), Camoranesi (old and broken),  Deco (skeevy), Franck (perverted and possibly in disgrace), and Pirlo (only brings his A-game if he's feeling it that day).  That's not enough even when they all work properly.  This is bad.  V. bad.

BRB *dashes off to make a call*