Old Lady Post: Lost Boys in the Middle East

Originally posted on January 12, 2012


Um, yeah.  So it turns out that there is such a thing a a post that's too large.  I was surprised to discover this given some of the monstrously oversized Inter posts we have seen in past days, but there it is.  That means the end of the last post now gets to be its own post.

OK, then, let's get in the way-back machine and head back to December. Let's join the boys in training, shall we?



I was going to say that maybe I can back off Defcom Golf because I could look at Pepe without wanting to punch him, but now I see that he's twiddling his facial hair like a cartoon villain.  Safety first.  We remain at Defcom Golf.

Buon Natale da Juve

Originally posted on December 20, 2011


As Martha and Inter have so aptly demonstrated, football suits of all varieties, through their evil PR minions, will never tire of forcing their players to sacrifice whatever tiny amount of dignity they might have by doing stupid things that may or may not help sell more t-shirts.  Juventus is no exception.  Here is their Christmas message, in two parts.

Now before you click, think about what you are about to see.  There will be some awkwardness, obviously.  Some bad singing, natch.  Some people who are just so damn happy to be allowed to represent for the zebes in public that they are about to burst.  Some people who clearly have contracts exempting the from this sort of shit.  Some language-impaired people.  Some disturbingly enthusiastic people.  Some grumpusses.  And one super-classy guy who perfectly finds the sweet spot where he can be a good sport without being a tool. 

I'm sure you won't be surprised by who turns out to be the biggest goober.






No!  I WON'T do an lj-cut!





&hearts to one and all


P.S.  There are renewed rumors about Martin Caceres coming back.  It's probably bullshit, but maybe it could happen if we all ask Santa.

P.P.S. Every time I play the one with Mirko, my beagle Tiki growls.

Old Lady Post: Lost Boys of Juventus

In which Simone Loria graduates from pathetic joke to Dirtbunny's Enemies List.

It has become dead obvious that Conte cares much more about winning not losing than he does about squad rotation.  While this approach has worked wonders for the Zebes' position in the table, it also means that we rarely get a glimpse of anyone on the B team.  I don't know about you, but I've been missing certain senior citizens, babies, invalids, and outcasts.  Let's take a peek at what they've been doing,

Half-Hearted Old Lady Post: Chievo. Bleh. Whatever

Originally posted on October 19, 2011




Chievo Verona 0:0 Juventus

It's not like I expected the Donkeys would crush the Zebes.  It's just that, well, you know, they can, and they have, and last year they did.  (Oh wait.  The andata last year was a draw.  It felt like a loss at the time and it still does.)  This time around, Juve managed a clean sheet on  a decent defensive performance and a lackluster offensive performance.  A null-null draw.  Just like nearly everyone else in Serie A last weekend.  How very exciting.


The star of the show:



And not just because he always is, either.  Because he came on as a SuperSub, immediately fired things up, made a crucial goal line clearance, and was mighty unlucky to knock a fine shot off the post.

I'm going to be blunt.  I'm really not in the mood for any of this.  However, it's not the players'  fault that I'm so bummed, and it's not your fault either.  I've got about 75 photos and some of them are pretty good and the Zebes survived an away game against the Donkeys.  Woo.  Hoo.  So on I go as is my  duty  privilege.  Fortunately, nothing much happened, so there wouldn't be much to say anyway.

Old Lady Post: Made of Win

Originally posted on October 4, 2010



JUVENTUS 2:0 MILAN

I have stuff going on IRL (if you care, you can read about it here) so the euphoria of Juventus' glorious victory had faded a little, but then I came across a link to this video........






...and it's all back, baby.  This might be the last Bianconeri win of the season but, courtesy of the international break, I intend to savor it for the next two weeks. Look at it! Look at Conte glomping Andrea and Gigi! Look at Bonucci and Gio lifting il Mister clear off the ground with mighty arms and hearts full of RAWR! Look at Lichtsteiner all "Oh, we're hugging. Ew. Okay. *pat pat* Can I go now?"  And Pepe all "Hey coach!  Hug me too!  Hug me!"  Thank goodness my ovaries are old and shriveled because I'm probably past the age where I can get pregnant over the Interwebs.



Or maybe not.

Old Lady Post: Triple Dose of Coulda Been Worse

Originally posted on October 1, 2011


Hey Tifosi!


Remember me?

Like Gio, I've been around; you just haven't seen me.  I blame my boss, Uncle Sam, who can be a real dick sometimes.  But that's all done now, and Gio and I are both back.  The Milan match is tomorrow and I'll need to start drinking early, so here's the Cliff Notes version of the last three matches.

Old Lady Post: Something is Different

Originally posted on September 13, 2011

JUVENTUS 4:1 PARMA



Guess which one scored a goal.

Old Lady Post: Fail. FAIL FAIL FAIL

Juventus whatever:  Everyone else  Forty Billion


So.  Three matches, two points, Zebes can't keep a lead, Delneri is canned, mercato rumors blah blah blah.  Is there really any point to a big rehash?  No.  No there isn't.  It might have been different.....




...but it wasn't.

Old Lady Post: How I love those stripey morons!

 Lazio 0:1 Juventus



Lichtsteiner can't believe it and neither can I.


Just when you think you can get some distance from the fail and maybe even go on with your life, they do something wonderful and before you know it, you're forgiving them and letting them move back in with their ugly sofa, even though you know in two days two hours they'll have their asses parked on that sofa, watching WWE Smackdown,  spilling beer and getting Cheetos dust all over the place.   You know you'd be better off with some other squadra, one that at least puts some respectable effort into their fail, but you just can't live without them.  Bastards.

Zebras:  What?  *BELCH!*
DB :  *sigh*

So here they are with their low-hanging pants and backwards baseball caps and they flex their biceps and do some idiot new skateboard trick* and say "Aw, come on baby.  You know you're my girl."  And here I am tripping over their stinky gym shoes, doing their laundry, and fetching stuff from the fridge, loving every minute of it and hating myself for loving it.


*Was "cool" once, but may no longer be cool.  I'm old.  Please substitute updated imagery if necessary.

Old Ladzzzzzzzz

 Fiorentina 0:0  Juventus


It's kind of difficult to complain much.  Maybe the zebes aren't actual shit, but they play football like they're shit.


Sooooooo boring.  The whole match was a Festival Of Feh in which the most exciting thing that happened was that Leo yelled at Sorensen for getting a stupid yellow card.  Roma lost, so the boys had the chance to move into sixth, and they didn't do it.   Actually, they didn't do much of anything.  Fortunately, neither did Viola.

Old Lady Post: \o/

 Roma 0:2 Juventus




You tell me.  The game is about to start and you discover that Gigi, Gio, and ADP are all hurt.  Then you see the Line-Up of Low Expectations and discover, to your horror and disbelief, that Not Ciro is starting the two worst fullbacks in Serie A at the same time.   You consider their shitty current form and then you see Mirko hit a screamer that Marcostorari saves (just barely) and then you see Mirko take a selfish, crappy shot when Matri was wide open.  As the first half continues, Roma's attack looks more and more dangerous, Marcostorari is forced to make miracle saves that no one should ever have to make, and Krasic continues to act like a selfish twat.  Did you actually think the match could possibly turn out the way it did?  I sure as hell didn't.  In fact, I kept a sickening sensation of impending doom in my stomach until the final whistle blew.

Old Lady Post: The Juventus Defense----60% of the time, it works every time

 Cesena 2:2 Juventus



What a big improvement!  Instead of the Zebes uniformly playing shit, they only played partly shit.  It was an exciting match.  Juventus went up 2-0, then gave up a penalty that could have been a whole lot fucking worse than it was, and then the second half was thirty five minutes of nail-biting to see if the boys could hold.  Alas, they could not.  Also, I'm pretty sure that Lady Luck hates seahorses.

Old Lady Post: Milan Cheats

  Juventus 0:1 Milan




Well, what else would you call it?  With all the attacking threats Milan has, who would have thought that Juventus would have to protect the goal from Rino Gattuso?  I mean come on!  Rino almost never scores.  His last goal was October 23, 2008 against Heerenveen, whoever the fuck that is.  If Rino is going to score, Milan might as well have been playing with an invisible extra man, and maybe I can't find a rule against that in The Laws of the Game, but that doesn't make it right.  Sheesh.

Old Lady Post: It's Official

Juventus 0:2 Ex-Juventus Bologna




The Bianconeri have their heads firmly up their butts.

Old Lady Post: It wasn't just a dream

  Juventus  1:0  Inter




Are you serious?   Raise your hand if you thought that beating Inter was even possible.  *looks around*  That's what I thought.  I suppose we Juventini have gotten so used to playing without real forwards and a real left back for so long that we lost sight of what our boys can do.

"Our boys."  SNORT!  Of the eleven starters yesterday, only four of them were regular starters last season.  Maybe if you either sell or bench everyone who sucks and go out and get all new players who are better, the team will achieve better results.  Who knew?

pagelle

Old Lady Post: Effin' Pinks

 Palermo 2:1  Juventus

Oh.  My.  GOD!  Let's just save everyone the inconvenience of travel and the risk of injury and fucking forfeit the Palermo matches, hmm?  Yes, there

were a lot of bad calls, including two missed penalties, but CRIPES! what about all the blown chances?

I dunno man.  Is it me?  Am I cursing the squad by

wearing my Juve scarf whenever they play?  Has my bad attitude and general aura of gloom and pessimism transferred to the boys?  Does my overarching self-absorption

exhaust them to the point where they have no energy for football?  Whaiiiiiiiiiiiii?  WHY?  WHYWHYWHYWHY?  *pulls out hair*

pagelle

Old Lady Post: Why We Love Quags--and Udinese Spam---But Mostly Quags

Juventus 1:2 Udinese


Let's all pretend that the match ended here, mkay?


That blew.  I'm not even sure what the problem was.  Gigi had an awesome save or two.  Claudio scored a miraculous Quags-style goal.  Pretty much everyone else failed to deliver.  It's too painful to do an actual spam with my usual uninformed commentary, so I'm just going to post some photos.

pagelle


After that, we have an important birthday to celebrate.

Old Lady Post: Um....Ouch. Plus, Breaking Gio News

Sampdoria 0:0 Juventus





Any questions?


Oh boy.  This was a match in which only the brutes and Pepe stood out.  There was kicking and screaming, pushing and shoving, eye-poking and hair-pulling, shootings and stabbings, military coups and counter-revolutions, and one poor excuse for Zorro in a tricked-out mask saving the day.  OK, not really, but this was a crazy physical match that probably has every single player for both sides in the whirlpool as we speak.  Poor babies.  And the bit about the Zorro is true.

pagelle

Old Lady Post: Due Principini

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED ON JANUARY 19, 2011

*crosses fingers, cuts-and-pastes from notepad, and strikes off to edit html codings that I don't really understand*


Juventus 2:1 Bari



So that brings us to Sunday, which was the day that the Reds did not lose the Merseyside Derby, and the first day of the Ritorno for Juventus. Juve met Bari. Bari is at the bottom of the table, and the match was at the Stadio Olimpico, and Bari has already beat Juventus this year, and the only Juve striker who is not broken is Niccolo Giannetti. Four reasons for Juventus to choke hard. Did they?



I'm told this is a celebration.  Romans.  *shakes head*


No they did not.

Pagelle

Old Lady Post: Coppa Spam

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED ON JANUARY 18, 2011




Juventus 1:0 Catania

It was a busy week.  Juventus advanced in the Coppa Italia and beat Bari at home to scrape up three much-needed points.  There were some injuries and some recoveries and some transfers that ended up not happening, but by far the most important thing that happened was this:
Gigi is back.



That face!

His back is squared away.  His hair is squared away.  His form is squared away.  His attitude is squared away:

It’s a beautiful emotion that for someone who has won a World Cup, played in a Champions League final, and played in so many important stadiums like me, that this night meant so much to me even if it was “just” a Coppa match. I must thank the fans who often said “Why the hell are you staying here when you could leave and win in other places?” I don’t think I could find this kind of affection anywhere else, and maybe it’s true that I could leave and win elsewhere, but the love they give me is worth more than any kind of victory, it’s amazing. I thank them from the bottom of my heart.  source

He loves us back!

Catania pagelle