Old Lady Post: Coppa coppa Cáceres

Originally posted on February 4, 2012

JUVENTUS 3:0 ROMA

Come with me if you will to January 24, to the Coppa match against scary A.S. Roma.  The Giallorossi had just come off a 5-1 pounding of lowly Cesena whereas the Zebes were worried that their non-losing streak might come to an end.  Some of us hoped that we might see some lost boys in the line-up, given that it was a Coppa match.  However, Bunny favorites Vincenzo and the Green-Eyed Gorilla of Love were nowhere to be seen in any of the photos of the January training sessions, so it looked unlikely that either would appear.   Would Conte play to win?

Of course he would.  Conte plays to win every effing match.  It's the only way to maintain the proper grinta.

Before we dive in, let's consider this photo:


If it's January 2010, I think we all look at the smirk and the wink and think eeewwwwww.  But this is 2012, and we all love him now, and his creepy facial expressions are no longer all that upsetting.  Go figure.

Old Lady Post: Lost Boys in the Middle East

Originally posted on January 12, 2012


Um, yeah.  So it turns out that there is such a thing a a post that's too large.  I was surprised to discover this given some of the monstrously oversized Inter posts we have seen in past days, but there it is.  That means the end of the last post now gets to be its own post.

OK, then, let's get in the way-back machine and head back to December. Let's join the boys in training, shall we?



I was going to say that maybe I can back off Defcom Golf because I could look at Pepe without wanting to punch him, but now I see that he's twiddling his facial hair like a cartoon villain.  Safety first.  We remain at Defcom Golf.

Old Lady Post: Not Losing in December

Originally published on January 9, 2012

Il Mister is grateful that his hair plugs turned out well.

We're slowly getting caught up here.   Here are the salient facts: The Zebes have yet to lose, they got an ugly win against Lecce yesterday, and they haven't offloaded Amauri yet.  Before I get to any of that, though, I hope your enjoy another "best of"-style half-assed Tardy!spam recapping the last three matches of December.

Old Lady Post: Seahorses and Napolitani

Originally posted on December 31, 2011



To pick up where we left off, it was time finally to visit the San Paolo.  Giornata 11 had been postponed because Tio Aurelio is soooooo afraid of the mighty mighty zebras that he conspired with God to make it rain so the match could not be played on November 6.  Or something like that.  I didn't pay much attention to the silly theories.  I don't read the Napoli press, but I imagine they were saying similar things about Agnelli and his evil minions.  Napoli is having an odd season.  They're performing
wonderfully in Europe but underachieving in league play.




On the other hand, Juventus was unbeaten and that surely cannot last.  They have to crash at some point and the San Paolo is kind of a scary place to play, so it seemed likely that this would be a nail-biter.  And it was.

Old Lady Post: Pinks and Laziale

Originally posted on December 30, 2011

Gee.  I wonder what the 29s are for? *smirk*


I have to wonder how many of you are still out there.  Spams have been slow in coming, I know, but I thought maybe I'd finish the year with some make-up spams and see if I can bring everyone up to date before the winter mercato starts bringing us actual facts instead of crazy rumors.

Buon Natale da Juve

Originally posted on December 20, 2011


As Martha and Inter have so aptly demonstrated, football suits of all varieties, through their evil PR minions, will never tire of forcing their players to sacrifice whatever tiny amount of dignity they might have by doing stupid things that may or may not help sell more t-shirts.  Juventus is no exception.  Here is their Christmas message, in two parts.

Now before you click, think about what you are about to see.  There will be some awkwardness, obviously.  Some bad singing, natch.  Some people who are just so damn happy to be allowed to represent for the zebes in public that they are about to burst.  Some people who clearly have contracts exempting the from this sort of shit.  Some language-impaired people.  Some disturbingly enthusiastic people.  Some grumpusses.  And one super-classy guy who perfectly finds the sweet spot where he can be a good sport without being a tool. 

I'm sure you won't be surprised by who turns out to be the biggest goober.






No!  I WON'T do an lj-cut!





&hearts to one and all


P.S.  There are renewed rumors about Martin Caceres coming back.  It's probably bullshit, but maybe it could happen if we all ask Santa.

P.P.S. Every time I play the one with Mirko, my beagle Tiki growls.

Old Lady Post: Interspam--Still Gloating

Originally posted on November 7, 2011



Inter 1:2 Juventus


You all know by now that Sunday's match against Napoli was rained out and has purportedly been rescheduled for December 14.  Thus, no Napspam and also a de facto extension of time for Dirtbunny to post an Inter spam.  Lucky lucky me!


WOOT!  WE BEAT INTER!



Let's not even bother with the whole "Inter isn't really Inter right now bit."  I'd rather beat Inter when Inter is at the top of their form, but matches happen when they happen and right now, Inter is what it is  and Juventus beat them.  At the San Siro.  Maybe it can't last.  Surely the other shoe will drop soon enough.  For now, though, Juventus is still unbeaten in Serie A.




Holy crap.  Even Milos looks half-decent in a suit, if you disregard the hair.

Old Lady Post: Alespam

Originally published on October 28, 2011

Juventus 2 : 2 Genoa
Juventus 2 : 1 Fiorentina

Four days, two matches, four points.  Not so bad, and it gives the worldwide Juventini contingent something else to think about.  It's still not OK, OK?  Life, however, goes on.  So:


Welcome back, bb, and thanks for bringing those eyelashes with you.

Before the jump, I have something I want to say.  I'm Juventina.  I didn't come about it by rational decision-making.  It just happened.  Also, I'm a known Inter-hater, tho I hope a fairly kindly and gentle one.  I didn't know I was supposed to hate Inter.  I came about it naturally and honestly.  Now:  The Big Match is tomorrow, and the Juve fansites, all full of the Viola win and Matri magic, are talking smack. I imagine the Inter ones are too, but whyever would I go there to find out?   OK, rivalries are fun and all that.  However, I am not down with calling Inter "Merda."  That, for me, is too much.  Just please don't ask me about Chelsea, OK?    /lecture

Half-Hearted Old Lady Post: Chievo. Bleh. Whatever

Originally posted on October 19, 2011




Chievo Verona 0:0 Juventus

It's not like I expected the Donkeys would crush the Zebes.  It's just that, well, you know, they can, and they have, and last year they did.  (Oh wait.  The andata last year was a draw.  It felt like a loss at the time and it still does.)  This time around, Juve managed a clean sheet on  a decent defensive performance and a lackluster offensive performance.  A null-null draw.  Just like nearly everyone else in Serie A last weekend.  How very exciting.


The star of the show:



And not just because he always is, either.  Because he came on as a SuperSub, immediately fired things up, made a crucial goal line clearance, and was mighty unlucky to knock a fine shot off the post.

I'm going to be blunt.  I'm really not in the mood for any of this.  However, it's not the players'  fault that I'm so bummed, and it's not your fault either.  I've got about 75 photos and some of them are pretty good and the Zebes survived an away game against the Donkeys.  Woo.  Hoo.  So on I go as is my  duty  privilege.  Fortunately, nothing much happened, so there wouldn't be much to say anyway.

Old Lady Post: Made of Win

Originally posted on October 4, 2010



JUVENTUS 2:0 MILAN

I have stuff going on IRL (if you care, you can read about it here) so the euphoria of Juventus' glorious victory had faded a little, but then I came across a link to this video........






...and it's all back, baby.  This might be the last Bianconeri win of the season but, courtesy of the international break, I intend to savor it for the next two weeks. Look at it! Look at Conte glomping Andrea and Gigi! Look at Bonucci and Gio lifting il Mister clear off the ground with mighty arms and hearts full of RAWR! Look at Lichtsteiner all "Oh, we're hugging. Ew. Okay. *pat pat* Can I go now?"  And Pepe all "Hey coach!  Hug me too!  Hug me!"  Thank goodness my ovaries are old and shriveled because I'm probably past the age where I can get pregnant over the Interwebs.



Or maybe not.

Old Lady Post: Triple Dose of Coulda Been Worse

Originally posted on October 1, 2011


Hey Tifosi!


Remember me?

Like Gio, I've been around; you just haven't seen me.  I blame my boss, Uncle Sam, who can be a real dick sometimes.  But that's all done now, and Gio and I are both back.  The Milan match is tomorrow and I'll need to start drinking early, so here's the Cliff Notes version of the last three matches.

FC Dirtbunny Announces Reorganization for 2011-12 Season

The owners of FCDB (that would be Dirtbunny) have been on a long management retreat to contemplate the future of the squadra.  Frankly, the team roster doesn't get my heart pumping the way it used to.  Making lifetime acquisitions seemed like a good idea at the time, but certain players have done certain things that make them undeserving of the honor.  For others, well, it's just time to part as friends and move on.

Therefore, effectively immediately, FCDB players will now be organized into three groups.  There will be the active players, who are still around and still more or less as beloved as they were when they were called up.  There will be Dirtbunnies Emeritus, all of whom leave the club with honor and are free to publicly refer to themselves as Dirtbunnies.  And then there is the BadDog group, all of whom are being punished for some rime or another.  A few of the BadDogs can harbor some plausible hope for reinstatement if they make necessary changes and atone for their crimes.  Others are, I believe too far gone to ever come back.

Old Lady Post: Masters of their Own Demise

 ADP  2:2  Juventus Defense



Don't bother, Fabio. I am unmoved by your "remorse."


*throws up hands in disgust*  What am I supposed to say?  *sigh*

Napoli, Lazio, and Udinese all lost (thanks Parma!  um  and Inter, I guess) which means that the top of the table is even more compact than it was and this might have been a chance to, not move up exactly, but get closer and keep hope alive.  However, the Muscle-Headed Fuckwits in Stripes are all so.... so..... so......FUCKING STUPID  that they forgot how many times they've blown a lead in the last two seasons, and they decided to end the game early cos it's only Catania, after all.  When it was over, a few of them were pissed, but no one bothered to show any passion while they were on the fucking pitch.  If they can't be bothered to stay in the game until it's over, if they're happy to sit around and rely on the genius of their elderly captain---who is ONCE AGAIN the side's leading scorer in official matches this season, if they think running is too hard or defending is too boring, then why on earth do we bother with them?

Old Ladzzzzzzzz

 Fiorentina 0:0  Juventus


It's kind of difficult to complain much.  Maybe the zebes aren't actual shit, but they play football like they're shit.


Sooooooo boring.  The whole match was a Festival Of Feh in which the most exciting thing that happened was that Leo yelled at Sorensen for getting a stupid yellow card.  Roma lost, so the boys had the chance to move into sixth, and they didn't do it.   Actually, they didn't do much of anything.  Fortunately, neither did Viola.

Old Lady Post: Three in a Row

 Juventus  3:2  Genoa 






I don't care where Genoa is in the table.  The last few seasons, you never know who Juventus is going to put on the pitch.  Could be a herd of zebras, moving in concert  against a common enemy.  Could be a bunch of broken draft ponies painted black and white, each one trying his hardest not to get caught  by the man from the glue factory.  Again, with no Gigi, no Gio, and no ADP--and NO GROSSO!  hahahahahaha--- who could know what would happen?  Milan. Inter, Napoli, Lazio, and Roma all won this weekend, but Udinese lost, so Juve gained points on someone, anyway, AND they're mathematically guaranteed not to be relegated.  Hot diggety.

Old Lady Post: \o/

 Roma 0:2 Juventus




You tell me.  The game is about to start and you discover that Gigi, Gio, and ADP are all hurt.  Then you see the Line-Up of Low Expectations and discover, to your horror and disbelief, that Not Ciro is starting the two worst fullbacks in Serie A at the same time.   You consider their shitty current form and then you see Mirko hit a screamer that Marcostorari saves (just barely) and then you see Mirko take a selfish, crappy shot when Matri was wide open.  As the first half continues, Roma's attack looks more and more dangerous, Marcostorari is forced to make miracle saves that no one should ever have to make, and Krasic continues to act like a selfish twat.  Did you actually think the match could possibly turn out the way it did?  I sure as hell didn't.  In fact, I kept a sickening sensation of impending doom in my stomach until the final whistle blew.

Coverciano spam

Originally published on March 31 2011


By now the Azzurri have returned to their clubs and resumed training for the three (!) very big matches this weekend.  For a while, though, they were all best buddies.  Here's a collection of training and presser photos from the last week or so, "organized" by subject and not by date.





Unfortunately, one smurf was missing.




Come back Quags.

Old Lady Post: The Juventus Defense----60% of the time, it works every time

 Cesena 2:2 Juventus



What a big improvement!  Instead of the Zebes uniformly playing shit, they only played partly shit.  It was an exciting match.  Juventus went up 2-0, then gave up a penalty that could have been a whole lot fucking worse than it was, and then the second half was thirty five minutes of nail-biting to see if the boys could hold.  Alas, they could not.  Also, I'm pretty sure that Lady Luck hates seahorses.

Old Lady Post: Milan Cheats

  Juventus 0:1 Milan




Well, what else would you call it?  With all the attacking threats Milan has, who would have thought that Juventus would have to protect the goal from Rino Gattuso?  I mean come on!  Rino almost never scores.  His last goal was October 23, 2008 against Heerenveen, whoever the fuck that is.  If Rino is going to score, Milan might as well have been playing with an invisible extra man, and maybe I can't find a rule against that in The Laws of the Game, but that doesn't make it right.  Sheesh.

Old Lady Post: It's Official

Juventus 0:2 Ex-Juventus Bologna




The Bianconeri have their heads firmly up their butts.