Dirtbunny.net: The post about the Big Swede

Not this guy.

[lumberjack]

We love him, but he's merely a Big Swede.

This guy:

[roaring]

He's the Big Swede. He's the best futboller in the world, so of course, FC Dirtbunny has to have him.

Name: Zlatan Ibrahimovic

Occupation: Forward, Internazionale and Swedish International

Get over it. He's Swedish. His parents came from somewhere else but, jeez, if you're reading this, you're probably in the US of A, and I'll bet your people came from somewhere else somewhere down the road.

Zlatan: The Big Swede

See? It works just fine.

Dirtbunny doesn't have to justify any of her call-ups, and I hardly need to justify this one. But I will.

REASON NUMBER ONE

He is the best futboller in the world. Even better than the Delicate Princess over there on the right, no matter what FIFA says.

[I'm not the first to say this, but it was so apt I'll repeat it anyway. It looks like maybe Ujfi fouled Grygera, but who touched Cris?]

He's a very very large man, but he has skill and grace and he can bring the ball up the field and dribble and go around people and do cute little back-heel passes and headers and goals on the ground and goals going backwards from volley and goals pretty much anyway you can imagine and a few you haven't imagined yet. He's like Lionel Messi, only big and imposing and strong and a serious threat in the air. [*getting breathless just thinking about it*]

Whew. Slow down Dirtbunny.

REASON NUMBER TWO

He's hard on defenders, which is as it should be, because this is not golf.

[stiff-arming a big, tough Greek guy]

[he's pretty flexible, isn't he? Poor, poor little frightened Croatian nose on poor, poor number 4]

[not very kind to Croatian number 8 either]

[gettin' the best of Khaka Kaladze]

[Sergio Ramos' thought bubble, option 1: "Please don't hurt me Zlatan!']

[Sergio Ramos' thought bubble, option 2: "Not in the mouth! I need the lips for Raul!"]

REASON NUMBER THREE

He's a worthy opponent for Gio. They bring out the best in each other.

[makin' him work for it]

What Gio dishes out, Zlatan can take.

REASON NUMBER FOUR

This goal in the Euros against eventual champion Spain:

[Iker sprawled on the pitch, failing to save the goal. Sergio Ramos on his butt, failing to defend same.]

Iker spends most of his time sitting behind the goal in a smoking jacket, sipping a cognac whilst writing his memoirs. He is rarely called upon to do much. But he can do plenty when it is required of him. Some say he's the best goalie in the world. He's not. But he is one of the best.

If you can make Iker appear in this position in a photograph, ESPECIALLY IF THE BALL IS CLEARLY SHOWN IN THE GOAL BEHIND HIM, then you are doing something right.

Tangent: The Big Swede made Sergio Ramos look as unskilled as Dirtbunny in that game. Poor muscle-bound kid, sitting on his ass, staring at Iker's buttocks. Let me assure you, Sergio Ramos is no slouch. Nosirreebob he is not. He is a fine, fine, fullback, but he cannot keep the best futboller in the world from scoring.

REASON NUMBER FIVE

Love. Love is important.

[this photo is from last year. I see ADP has recurring problems with ghastly haircuts and that the most recent one is apparently part of a pattern]

Love stinks. Love hurts. Love is a battlefield.

But if you can get some love, love, love is all you need, blah blah blah. Or so I'm told. Personally, I wouldn't know.

REASON NUMBER SIX

Daddy, this part really isn't meant for you.

OK. Are we alone now? Good.

Reason number five is that Zlatan is hott.

Lordy, lordy, lordy, can he rock the bitchpose or what?

It's not that hard to find photos of him without his shirt, or pants, or wearing a towel, or showing off his tatoos, but we wouldn't want your computer to explode.

REASON NUMBER SEVEN

Dude works hard to be cool. However, when he's really, really happy, and doing what he loves, he forgets about the game face and becomes the biggest dork EVER.