Lucio

How long has it been since I called someone up?  I've been really busy this season decrying the loss of Juventus' winning form.  (more on that later, maybe)  It's not as though the FC Dirtbunny scouts aren't always watching for new talent.  I suppose that FC Dirtbunny, as all Serie A teams, is crippled by the lack of focus amongst the suits (that would be Dirtbunny).  Let's remedy that.

There was a hee-ooooge Champions League semi-final match this week between Inter and Barca.  We rooted for Inter because although the team is only about 15% Italian, it plays in the Italian league, and one gets tired of all the hype surrounding Barca.  Yes, we acknowledge that Barca is a fabulous team and wonderful to watch.  Maybe I'll talk more about that later.  The hee-ooooge match was great fun and some of the photos have stirred me from my drunken sloth and caused me to temporarily abandon the cabana boys who bring me umbrella drinks at my island villa  careful training of the esteemed FC Dirtbunny squadra and attend to some business. 

Welcome Lucio, Central Defender for Inter Milan, world champion, and captain of the Brazilian National Football Team.   

 hi there Dead Guy

Lucio is a clean, mean defending machine.  He's big, but looks even bigger.  He looks tough and acts even tougher.  It is believed that, in between matches, Inter management keeps him locked up in a cage.  Sometimes they feed him raw meat, and sometimes they just put a bullock in there so he can satisfy his hunger and his urge to kill at the same time. 

He might be the fastest central defender (a position not noted for speed).  He's brutal, but he has subtlety and finesse and, even tho he plays for Il Diavolo's Personal Representative in Serie A Inter, and even tho he's not Italian, he is The Best central defender in the game anywhere.  sorry Gio.  i still love you.

He also has courage.

He'll challenge anyone.  He doesn't care who you are or how big you are  or how good you are or whether you tend to come in with your boots high and your studs up.  Shut up!  He may be flinching, but he's in there.

In football, there is a pre-game handshaking/receiving line tradition.  Here we have a snapshot from Tuesday's version. That's Lio Messi in the TV-unfriendly colored jersey, giving former teammate Samuel Eto'o a hug.  You probably know that Lio Messi is the current Ballon d'Or holder and the current FIFA World Player of the Year.  He's a phenomenal player and a good guy by all accounts.  He's listed as a meter sixty-nine, but that is a lie.  He's about 5'4".  Maybe.

Lucio is next in line to shake Lio's charmed hand.  He looks like he's sizing up Lio's utility as a snack.  (Would he taste good on a cracker?  How about roasted on a stick over an open fire? )  He don't care who you are.  He don't care if you are Lio Messi.  He gonna kick your ass.

He also crazy.  When he plays to a standard short of utter perfection, he mutters (sometimes hollers) to himself constantly.  (I think he's got a Clarabelle too.  I hope his is nicer than mine.)  When he disagrees with a call and wants to scare the crap out of a ref test the referee's ability to maintain his authority and composure, he does the opposite of what you might think.  He puts his face into a stony neutral expression, and stands nose to nose (if the ref is tall enough) and just looks at the ref in the eye (if the ref is tall enough) while the ref goes through his explanation.  When he does this, the ref can probably feel the red-hot fury pouring out of Lucio's nostrils with every breath.  Lucio's contempt is palpable, but utterly intangible.  He's just standing there, listening passively.  What's a ref gonna do?  Card him for Standing Close While Being Impressively Large? 

Speaking of crazy, this is what he looks like when he's........

meep!

HAPPY!

It is said that there is a Mrs. Lucio and several Lucio Juniors, but this is hard to imagine.  If it's true and he asks to bring his family with him to FC Dirtbunny, I wouldn't dare deny him even though it would violate Rule 7.  And he need not bring me drinks.  However, if he chooses to bring me drinks and appears with a defective margarita, he has to suffer appropriate punishment like anyone else.