JUVENTUS 4:2 PARMA
What a week! And what a time for Elf to come alive! All season long, he's been struggling with only one goal, but Thursday he scored TWO beautiful goals. His Juve masters are surely beaming with pleasure. I know I am. Everything good happened, but even more important, nothing bad happened! Nothing bad at all!
Match Report
It all started for me, and probably for many of you, with the end of the holiday season and the return to business as usual, feeling refreshed and rested and raring to go. Not at all hungover, bloated, or pasty. The same can be said for our wonderful zebes, who started the week with a friendly match against Lucento, a Turin team from the Eccellenze. Juventus won 5-0! Yay!
I don't know anything about this match at all except what I can read from the score, what I can look up on Wiki, and what I can tell from the photos.
Number one: In the Eccellenza, my grandpa can be the ref.
Hi Quags!
Number two: There was pretty much no crowd.
Hey there Big Blonde.
Number Three: Marco Motta is still officially part of the squad.
Howdy Gryga.
Gigi! Amauri! Giannetti! Awesome!
I love Gigi and it's great to see him in Juve gear.
Nnnnggggghhh. Claudio smells sweet, fresh Eccellente meat, and he has his hunting face on.
Albertino!
Amauri has recovered and is nearly back in playing form.
And his hair is looking awesome!
Capitano! Squee squee squeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!
Number Four: Players don't wear shin guards in friendlies. Alessa's legs aren't really that skinny when you look at them up close and naked.
Number Five: After the match, let's all get our picture taken with ZOMG ADP! Squeeeeeeeeeeeee!
But that was that. Yesterday was even bettar! My boss told me my idea for solving a problem was great and she empowered me to solve problems like that on my own from now on! I'm a grown-up! Woo hoo! And Juventus hosted Parma in a tasty lunchtime match that absolutely did not suck in any way!
First of all, like it does every week, Juventus sold out the Stadio Olimpico.
Second of all, when I woke up this morning, all was covered in a lovely blanket of snow and I miraculously dropped 10 pounds overnight. Fabio Quagliarella definitely did not go down untouched in the third minute of the match.
He certainly did not shriek in pain.
Since he wasn't hurt, no one came over to comfort him....
....and there was no need to stretcher him off. Quagliarella did not tear his knee ligament and he is not out for the rest of the season. Nope. Quags is fine and Alessa brought me brownies in bed for breakfast and begged me to put the 10 pounds back on.
He's fine. He offered a public apology for his past misogyny, and he has pledged to spend his post-footie career working to stop violence against women. Oh, and to pay them the same as men.
Because Quags is fine, Juventus has an attacking force consisting of more than Amauri, ADP, Iaquinta, and some Primavera. Because the zebra strikers are fit, handsome, scoring like mad, and second to none, there was no need to run screaming and desperate into the mercato and snap up Luca Toni, because anyway, Luca Toni is not over the hill and he's doing so fucking awesome at Genoa that he's leading in the capocannoniere so far this season, Genoa is number two in the table (right behind Juve), and the Grifone wouldn't part with him for any amount of money.
Plus, even though I love Loooca terribly and would be thrilled to see him score 30 goals per season in bianconeri, Juve doesn't need him as much as Genoa.....
...because he's the only man in Genova tall enough to understand the Frog's special problems in finding clothes that fit. And Frog has to wear clothes when he's out in public around town because, well, because.
Frog did not go to Inter this week. This is not a photo of him in Inter gear giving an Inter presser. No. This is him stumbling out of
TANGENT: LOOK AT THAT BOY! His HAIR! It's beautiful and you could run your fingers through it without getting them stuck in...ummm..."product." lordhavemercy
Loooca did not get the Number 20 shirt, because that belongs to Lanza and Lanza has apologized for his attitude and has been welcomed back with open arms.
And because all of that is true, Amauri did not get subbed on.
He did not come out onto the pitch looking like an old queen who auditioned for Cuchu's revue back in the 1940s and didn't make it.
...and step and change and one and two PUSH THAT TUSH OUT GIRLS! and step and change....
Last night, my dog taught himself how to use the toilet. He can flush, and he can put the seat down when he's through.
While he was injured earlier this year, Amauri went to the Team Bus Barbershop and got his hairz did in a style that improves his looks. Maybe you thought his hair couldn't possibly look any better, but it does!
He is not going out with Gobbi, and Gobbi did not try to kill anyone during the match.
Amauri did not flail his arms around uselessly, and he did not get beaten in the air. Not once.
When I went to the market to buy lunch today, Ale told me I had to change out of my sweatpants because my ass looked too fine and he didn't want me to give the man at the fish counter a heart attack with my luscious self. The fish guy is really helpful, so that's why I put on real pants today.
Amauri didn't get his ass kicked decisively and repeatedly by any delectable-lipped Swiss guy named Dzemaili.
Of course, there is a guy named Dzemaili on Parma FC, and he does have delectable lips,
Amauri absolutely did not get caught on film doing things that simply cannot be explained with any rational reference to the game of football.
When Elf scored his first goal, putting the zebras up 1-0, the Crociati were so impressed that they celebrated as hard as Juventus did. And who wouldn't? Little Elf has had a slow year, scoring only one goal this season before yesterday's match. Amauri isn't wiping his nose on his sleeve, he's dabbing at tears of joy.
Capitano started the match and went for a whole 90 minutes. It was a cold day, but he did not wear tights. Because he went the whole 90 minutes, he was always around when it was time to make a fabulous free kick. You know what else, after he got fouled hard by Dzemaili, Dzemaili did not kick the ball directly into Alessa's face.
There's no particular reason why this hair-challenged Argentinian central defender is in practically every photograph, because the Parma defense was shit. Also, Cristian Zaccardo did not go out and dye his hair the color of an orangutan, because that would just be silly.
You know what else? When Paci spiked Melo in the thigh, Melo did not react by lashing out with his foot and kicking Paci in the face. Melo knows the law: It's always the one who retaliates who gets punished.
Therefore, there was no red card 17 minutes in.
It looked for a moment like there was going to be trouble, because
However, Melo pulled out the time-honored "He Started It" defense, which worked when you were six and you were fighting with your brother, and it still works in football today.
Mr. De Marco saw the error of his ways, reversed his call, and apologized. Melo stayed on the pitch, and Juve did not play 75 minutes with 10 men.
Because Melo never got sent off, there was no need to sub out Alessa.
He's not making a long, petulant march to the dugout. He's using his secret wrist-phone to call Dirtbunny during a dead ball and ask her if she's gained back that 10 pounds yet. Because she hasn't, he suggests that she have a half-dozen slices of toast from that awesome homemade bread of hers, with extra butter.
"No, you can't come with me to Bunny's house because you can't take a hint and leave when dinner's over so we can be alone."
*hopes there's still some of that cheesecake in the freezer*
Because Melo did not get sent off, Aquilani played in his usual position, because he knew Melo was there to cover on D.
Therefore, everything went normally for Albertino, better than normal actually, because his new novel just won the Booker Prize. That's pretty amazing, because the Booker Prize used to be only for English-language fiction written by authors from the Commonwealth. Albertino's book was so good, they changed the rules just for him. His novel tells the story of Cameron Poe, a newly-released prisoner who catches a ride home on a prisoner transport plane when the inmates take control of the plane. It's a heartwarming coming-of-age story in which a young man embarks on an eventful physical journey, but ends up taking a spiritual journey in which he finds himself along the way.
Footie-wise, it was business as usual, making plays, partnering up with Melo to dominate possession, you know.
I love how Albertino is so full of life. Look! Even before Elf's shot lands in the back of the net, he's already got his arm up in celebration! Woot!
More celebrating. Look how excited he is! Aw!
Claudio was the robust picture of health.
I guess two weeks of eating a sandwich once a day have helped him fill out.
He seemed so relaxed and confident, his composed countenance the very picture of calm, assertive energy.
Gobbi didn't try to kill him at all. Gobbi's got too much subtlety and finesse in his defense for that sort of thing.
I wonder whether I can get my Hair Gal to do my hair like that? Nah. My roots aren't showing and my
...about as often as I can stand, which is a lot, and President Obama just pulled our troops out of Iraq for good.
In addition to the glorious makeover, Milos also worked on his finishing over the break. He had absolutely no occasion to do this:
...or walk away from something dejectedly like this:
He's also started working on his seal tricks.
He's gotten really good. Another week of practice, and he'll outdo Julio Cesar in the Pinniped Parade. *iz proud*
The Big Blonde started as Right Back again, and spent a lot of time fooling around with the Elf. BB is a good foot taller than Giovinco, and he used his size, strength, and power to foul the crap out of Elf.
There is absolutely no way that little teeny weeny Elf was tough enough or aggressive enough to foul the crap out of our BB. No way. Didn't happen.
Impossible.
Because BB had things nailed down so well, no one thought to sub in Momo. However, Sorensen went to Il Mister during a dead ball and said, "I appreciate all the minutes and I think I'm getting a lot of important experience. However, it's Momo Sissoko who the tifosi come to see. You're the boss, Boss, but maybe it's Momo Time?" Such a selfless sweet boy. So Momo came in.
He. Was. Awesome. He was a clean-tackling, tight-passing, possession-keeping machine. God how I love him.
You're probably wondering about the goals. Well, Giovinco got two, bless him. As I mentioned, they were so amazing that even Parma celebrated when he scored.
Geez. I think maybe Gobbi jizzed himself.
So that's two. Nick got one on a header off a corner kick. And Gio got the other one when he knocked the ball out of Mirante's hands and it went in and completely counted. Nope. It was absolutely not disallowed. That was a glorious moment indeed. So there. That's four. Plus, my dog's allergies went away so I don't have to give him the special dog food anymore.
Gio was Gio, doing what Gio does.
Boy. Amauri sure can jump, hmm?
Gio had Dzemaili cowering in fear. nnggh
Yeah, so Parma got two. Hernan Crespo got one. I forget how, but it certainly was not on a PK. Gio has no need to stick a leg out, so he didn't and he wouldn't, so that wasn't even a foul, much less a penalty.
The last goal was a certified miracle. So it's minute 93, see, and instead of going to bed early like Juve did against Chievo, the defense played until the bitter end.
Storari made a brilliant save, but the area was swarming with black and white shirts, so when Zaccardo got the rebound and made a short cross to pretty lips Dzemaili, he was practically smothered with defenders. I don't know how it went in, but it did. And that's why they call him Martha's Boyfriend.
EDIT: Actually, Palladino got the final goal, not Dzemaili. Dirtbunny.net regrets any inconvenience caused by this error.
Happy Birthday today to Marcostorari, World's Best Number Two Keeper, and champion grower of hair.
He's 34. And he's perfect exactly the way he is.
Next match is Sunday against Napoli at the San Paolo and I am pumped!
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