Juventus 0:1 Milan
Well, what else would you call it? With all the attacking threats Milan has, who would have thought that Juventus would have to protect the goal from Rino Gattuso? I mean come on! Rino almost never scores. His last goal was October 23, 2008 against Heerenveen, whoever the fuck that is. If Rino is going to score, Milan might as well have been playing with an invisible extra man, and maybe I can't find a rule against that in The Laws of the Game, but that doesn't make it right. Sheesh.
So here's the thing: Milan wasn't all that great. They dominated possession by fielding three murdering mids (again I ask: Is that fair?) and Juventus is lucky that they couldn't finish all night. On the other hand, Juventus was fairly mediocre. Melo took a knock in the first half and had to play hurt because Buchel was the only mid on the bench. Everyone out there had some moments of excellence and some moments of shame and the strikers got exactly zero quality service, which resulted in zero shots on goal. Don't ask me to explain LDN's substitutions. Why take out Matri? Why bring on Leo in the 84th? However, the zebes kept trying until the end, thereby displaying fewer symptoms of cranial rectosis than usual. I was expecting a blowout, so 0:1? I'll take it.
Cesare was in the house, along with former zebra Giuseppe Furino.
I kinda wish Cesare would just not go the Juve matches. Lately, he might have a better opinion of zebe heroes if he doesn't actually see them play.
Allegri was there, of course, with his excellent shoes and his wonky eye.
He brought his creepy Uncle Fester with him, which meant he had to pretend to laugh at Fester's "witticisms."
Setting up a "date" for the boss by calling "Juicy, Firm, and Young" to confirm. Plz note the hair growing out of the ears. Time for another trip to the spa for a touchup.
Ew. Now Agnelli has cooties.
Il Mister, with his ooky 'stache and his girly bracelets. (Mr. D: "What? Boys aren't allowed to like pretty things?")
And some angry tifosi. Well. That seems to be everyone.
TANGENT: Last year, when the tifosi occasionally set fires in the Olimpico and started burning up seats, I thought it was quaint and amusing. IRL, Dirtbunny Would Not Approve. Football is so weird.
Ah then, Gigi. Capitano Gigi started out all smoochy-smoochy with Capitano Rino before the match.
Then he took up his bossy position in goal and started ordering defenders around. BTW: Those are some pretty gloves. I'm sort of a professional pooper-scooper myself and gloves like that would come in handy. They would prevent paper cuts and help keep the crap off me, and I could take them off and beat people with them.
Gigi had plenty of work to do.
I am liking those gloves more and more. *DB imagines tackling an idiot to the ground, straddling him/her, and smacking him/her with the Glove of Mortification, over and over, yelling "Shut .UP. Shut. UP. Shut. UP." until the malefactor is purified. You'd looooooove Planet Dirtbunny.*
*settles down and fixes hair* Mmmmmm. Oh yeah. Gigi.
"Oh my God! Whai are y'all so ordinary?"
Yeah, so there was some Gigi!Fail. Bygones.
Traore started on the left. He did some solid defending. Also? Some crap defending. We have got to be able to do better. Send him back to Arsenal and buy us a real left back.
Cassano cruelly used him to get an amazing chance....
......which he totally blew (Ha!)
No matter. Gigi was there to pick him up after the fail.
Sorensen started on the right. He did OK, mostly. Not great, but not too many awful moments.
BEHOLD!
His Majesty's Royal Boots. (Really. Who gives a shit?)
Barzagli started in the center again.
He did meh, just like everyone else.
It seems his strategy for marking Zlatan wasn't so much "Beat Him to the Spot, Block, Tackle, and Clear," but rather "Get Beaten Repeatedly, Then Try to Make Up for It by Grabbing and Shoving." Hey, man, whatever works. Zlatan didn't score, did he?
Barza's partner was........Giorgio Chiellini, reprising his award-winning role as "Central Defender."
Hold the phone. Be that Jankulovski? It be. Blimey. I thought maybe he was dead. I've always kinda liked him, even though he's pretty crappy. You know, like Gryga. Hey bb! Welcome back!
Gio and
So maybe that challenge looks a wee bit late.
Um, right. I still love him, but I'm willing to acknowledge that he's not perfect all the time
There are a zillion shots of this challenge. I'm giving you two.
That's enough.
Oh plz. *eyeroll* But of course what you all paid your cash money to see is
purrrr
Oh my!
Mercy me! Confession time: I heart Zlatan. I know Juventini have lots of reasons not to love him. He Left, and not very nicely, and he went to INTER! of all places. He's a selfish mercenary. He's arrogant. He talks smack in the press.
He stubbornly refuses to live up to his potential to be The Best.
He has excessive gaudy tats and he leaves his wife and babies at home while he flies to Athens to
Maybe this is not one of the reasons Juventini are down on Zlatan.....
....but it damn well should be.
None of this matters. I love him.
I can't help it. I know he's bad for me, but he's my
He doesn't actually live here with all the others, though. We can't have him sowing disharmony in the
Thanks. That's better.
So, dear il Mister, given the, you know, the Zlatan and all the other
"Really? Gio and Barza? Why, if this weren't an airquotes Big Game end airquotes, I might have to motivate myself to squash you like a bug."
Whatevs.
I know you Milanisti are lurking out there, so here's some Flamini:
OK, then. The midfielders. Aquilani wasn't fit, Pepe was suspended, and Momo is out for the season, so options were limited.
Martinez started on the left.
The Twelve Million
Melo started in the center.
Somehow, that's waaaay more satisfying.
Sweet, sweet haaaaaaate.
He started the match well.
But he picked up a knock in a challenge against Boateng in the first half and he wasn't right after that.
Boateng got subbed out at the half because Allegri had options.
Hey Ho Claudio!
Murderers? Bitch please.
Claudio eats murderers for breakfast. Wait. He doesn't seem to actually eat so that doesn't work at all. Um, um, ! Claudio has been defending himself against reckless and senseless Momoisms on the training pitch for years! He ain't askeereda nuthin!
Milos started on the right.
He had a big start, giving us some of those fabulous runs we used to see all the time.
He even sent in a beautiful cross, which Matri wasted. Ohai Sandro. Love your new grown-up hairdo. *flutters eyelashes*
But then he went.......wherever it is he goes when he disappears for games. Zlatan knows where it is. So does Maicon. And Lavezzi. And pretty much all of the Hammers.
Matri didn't get much service, and he messed up what little he got. It was easy to forget he was in the match. Unlike Loooca.
Loooca may not often accomplish much of anything, put he always puts on a show of one type or another.
You may not be able to see it, but I know someone touched him, and I know who it was too.
DB to her beagles: Hey boys! Anyone want a bone? Who wants a bone? Go get the bone! Good boys
Hee! So big! Socks don't go al the way up and pants don't go all the way down.
Poise and grace versus.......not.
Loooca's job is to get the ball at or near the top of the box, hold possession while the real strikers get there, and pass the ball---successfully---to same. We had a wee problem with the "hold possession" part, but that's OK because he went off in the 63d for Vincenzo. It was a like-for-like substitution. Vince also did zero, and the photogs gave Vince nothing.
Time for Tactics!
Q: If your attack isn't working, what do you do to make an impact?
A: In minute 81, take out Matri and bring in il Capitano! The tifosi will burn my house down if I don't bring il Capitano on at some point against Milan, and minute 81 gives me enough cover to claim that I thought it might help. Plus, if he accomplishes anything, it's pure gravy!
ADP didn't do much of anything and the photographers ignored him for the first time in human history but don't worry.
I gotcha covered.
Tactics question number two:
Q: If you aren't going to start your best defensive partnership, when is the best time to take advantage of Leonardo Bonucci's defensive abilities, his skills in the air on set pieces, and, hypothetically, his ability to get the fangirlz all hot by having a hissyfit or otherwise making RAWR?
A: Bring him on in minute 86?
RoRo is very disappointed in you.
What? Was that the wrong answer?
The centerpiece of the match was That Thing That No One Saw Coming:
Oh Rino. Why'd it have to be Juventus?
There was a big celebration. A BIG one, cos, you know, Rino never scores and whatnot.
WARNING: The following contains excessive cuteness, sexual violence, and Mark Van Bommel (cos I can't bring myself to ruin Rino's joy by editing it out). Some scenes may be too frightening or intense for more sensitive viewers.
It all starts in the usual way: with a dance full of that sort of glee that looks on the surface like debilitating pain. It then proceeds to a chase scene, only in this one, Rino is being chased......
.....by a Zlatan!Monster.
Look out Rino! He's gonna getchew! Rino: giggles
Rino: SHRIEK! hee hee
You can't catch me cos I iz awesome and fast and I iz da Man!
Cassano: GET HIM!
THROW HIM TO THE GROUND!
Rino: Onoz! hee hee
Cassano: Get down, you goal-scoring bitch!
Zlatan!Monster: You're going to get it!
MVB: Gang rape? Awesome! Can I have a go?
Cassano: On your back, bitch!
Rino: SQUEAL! NO! hee hee *wriggles*
Flamini: C'mon guys! Manpile!
OK, this next part, well, Cassano grabs Rino by the hair and starts slamming his head into the grass. Bang! Bang!
Rino: Just. The. Way. I. Like. It!
Rossoneri: Good job, yo.
Rino: I love you guys!
Sorensen: Få et værelse.
Rino: hahahahahaha! Whew!
After the match, Gigi offered his congrats to Rino Goal!Scorer.
Rino's smile! *dies* And then Zlatan came over and sang "Gigi You Is My Woman Now."
Gigi happily signaled his assent with nuzzling and giggling.
The rest of the zebras milled around aimlessly, much as they had during the match.
But Gio managed to come over and say Hi to the tifosi, who later had some big protest or something about the fail. I'm not sure.
Next match is Saturday at Cesena, who may be skating on the relegation zone, but who just beat Samp. Plus, you know, the zebes have their heads up their butts and they lost to Lecce and Bologna, so why not?
Coda for the Milanisti:
*le sigh*
So he doesn't wax all of it off. *iz relieved*
This post powered by brownies and Kuyt Euphoria, neither of which are likely to last much longer.
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