Birthday wrap-up, plus Dirtbunny Rags on the Bianconeri

Mr. D's birthday





Honestly? I was going to finish my four-part series but now it's been so long ago I've forgotten what happened. I know there was rigatoni and meatballs, I remember a birthday cake, there are still some blueberry pancakes leftover, he got his present geez three weeks ago now, and oh yeah, I made some god-awful pina coladas with leftover coconut cream from the coconut birthday cake. And he got to do what he loves more than anything in the world: sit on his ass and do nothing.



The Zebras: They suck


The Bianconeri put a bullet through the head of the 2009-2010 season and put us all out of our misery. They finished seventh, managing to squeak into a Europa League qualifier spot through the operation of some obscure rule I don't understand. It was apparently the worst season ever, depending on how you analyze the statistics. Let's see. The evil suits sacked Ciro (sob) and his replacement was a bona fide idiot who did no better, and who had so little authority that he allowed his captain (you know who that is) to have a big public righteous temper tantrum about a moronic substitution right there on the pitch, which means it was on international TV for everyone to see. Replacement Coach has only two things going for him: (1) ADP was right, and coach changed his mind about the substitution just before Claudio was stretchered off, meaning that Juve actually got to finish the match with 11 men players instead of the ten there would have been if the sub had gone through; and (2) he's gone now. Juve has a new coach now. Also: new suits. Now if only they had better players.....



About those players. By odd coincidence, a lot of the Bianconeri happen to be on FC Dirtbunny as well. FCD is stuck with them. According to the charter, a call-up to FCD is for life, for better or for worse, even if the player does something horrible and becomes DeadToMe. Juve, however, is not stuck with them. Whom shall we offload, eh?



There are two obvious players who Must Go, but we won't go into that, because they are DeadToMe and shall not be spoken of. Bastards *shakes fist*



There were a lot of injuries this year, which meant that some otherwise good players had little opportunity to show their best form. This cateogry includes Trezeguet (who my girlz insist was once good and shall be good again) and Martin Caceres WHO IS NOT GOING TO INTER, MARTHA, NO MATTER WHAT THE RAGS SAY, and Nicki Leggrotaglie (boy did I end up missing him more than I thought I would), and Camoranesicamoranesicamoranesi, and Iaquinta (more about him later). These guys all get a pass, although I may live to regret it. Camo in particular, is rumored to be the player who told Replacement Coach that he wasn't feelin' it this year so don't count on me. Bad Camo. Bad, bad attitude. He's supposedly going home to Argentina after the WC anyway, but if his knees ever mend, and he finds some respect for New Coach, he can be very valuable.



Then there's a group of disappeareds. Remember the winter transfer window and Iago and Paolucci? Where'd they go? No one knows. I put Giovinco here too, though he was allegedly injured for practically the whole damn year, because I think he was actually being disappeared. It worked. He's off to Bari now. Bad, bad suits! Evil, stupid suits! Will we ever see any of these guys again? No one knows. In any event, they never got any minutes, so the season is not their fault.



Then there's the Brazilians: Jury's Out Edition, Diego and Melo. Diego was among the most fouled players in the league this year, and it is said that Melo owes much of his bad form to the fact that management tried to make him into a Pirlo when he's more of a Gattuso. Dirtbunny is not happy with how they turned out, but the suits spent a buttload of money on them, and maybe it's too early to give up on them.



And it wasn't the keepers' fault either. Manninger did what he was supposed to do. Gigi was a wreck, but I get it. If I had Gigi's defense, I'd spend a lot of time muttering to myself in the tunnel and threatening to quit too.



So now I'm ready to point some fingers.



1. Fabio Grosso. Hero of WC2006, a Dirtbunny, and played most of the season like he was in a coma. Even Idiot Il Mister cut him from the Azzurri. Dude. What happened to you?

2. Fabio Cannavaro. I thought he was here to play. Turns out, he was only here to secure his spot on the Azzurri. He had a few good games at the beginning, a very long sucky period, and a few good games at the end, probably because he had to put in a little effort to lend plausibility to his inevitable Azzurri call-up. He never cared about the team. Not for one moment. (Note to Daddy: If you've seen the Nike ad, I must warn you not to expect that kind of thing from Canna. He's not up to it any more. Lower your expectations now.)

3. Jonathan Zebina. Certified douchebag and talentless hack. He actually made me wish Juve would recall Molinaro from on loan.

4. Zdenek Grygera. I love you babe, but you made two execrable back passes this season. You were benched after that and you deserved it. I don't think you're up to standard anymore. Sorry.

5. Poulsen. Maybe not as bad a some other players, but he belongs on this list of quitters cos he's a quitter too.

6. Amauri. Trez and Iaquinta out almost all year and you let ADP be the team's top scorer? You should be ashamed. Also: you cannot bring the ball up from the back half without losing possession. Stop trying, OK, because you can't do it. Also: whatever it is that you said about/did to Alena Seredova, way to boost brotherly feelings in the locker room, asshole. Too bad Gigi didn't bash your teeth in.



What do these six have in common, besides, you know, the suck? They all quit. When things got tough, they just gave up, stopped trying, shifted into neutral, insert your favorite cliche here. Losing honorably to a better team is OK. Losing to a lesser team because you couldn't be bothered to try? Boo. Don't come back.



Are there any heroes? Well, everyone has a bad game sometimes, even Gio. Salihamidzic had a pretty poor year, but he didn't quit.

PDC is still learning, but he works hard, and he's coming along nicely. Candreva shows promise. Marchisio is going to be a big star so long as he keeps one step ahead of Interpol. Gio is nearly perfect, and ADP, who is old and broken, who can't go ninety minutes any more, who can't carry the whole team on his back no matter how hard he tries, well, ADP did just fine. None of these guys ever gave up.



Oh yeah, one more thing. Vincenzo Iaquinta, That Wanker* has earned my forgiveness. He wasn't at his best form all year, but he never stopped trying either. I'll just call him Vince from now on.



So the season was a big disappointment. It didn't come close to living up to the hype, and there were too many games where they gave up a lead to a much weaker team and ended up with a loss or a draw. The consequences of that will continue, because playing in the early rounds of the Europa League means a shorter summer break, especially for the Azzurri zebras, and with their lack of depth, that is going to hurt. But I've finished my rant and I am done with it.



One more rant to go, and then I plaster on a big ole smiley face and get with the program. Stay tuned.....