Old Lady Post: Football is Suffering

 Lech Posnan 1:1 Juventus



I'm pretty sure that zebra is Vincenzo.  When you put them all in hats, gloves, and tights, cover them with snow, and freeze them solid, they tend to look alike.


Ugh.  What can be said?  Does anyone really give a shit about a 14-game unbeaten streak when it means Juventus can't even advance out of the group stage of the At Least We're in the Europa League?  Sure, they aren't losing, but not losing is not the same thing as winning, exactly.  Is there a silver lining here at all?  Perhaps.  This means Of Blacks can play babies against Man City and let his A-squad give it their all against Lazio and Chievo, and it means no more twice-a-week schedules except for Coppa weeks (Ale's knees and I are grateful for that), and it means no more matches in the snow unless it's friendly Italian snow.  Those are all very good things
AND YET THEY ARE NOT EVEN THE SMALLEST CONSOLATION FOR THE EPIC DISASTER IN POLAND.   AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHy4r1bciodffoijw2e31908e43%#@%$%*^



So it's like this.  I live in the capital of the known universe Washington, D.C. area which is in the eastern time zone.  P2P schedules tend to be given in GMT.  I think that means Greenwich Mean Time.  I know EST is six hours behind Italy time when there isn't a daylight savings differential going on, but that doesn't help because the match is in Poland and I have no idea what time zone Poland is.  So I look up GMT and all the charts tell me that EST is GMT minus five.  So.  When a schedule says that a match begins at 20:05 GMT, I'm supposed to subtract 5 and get 15:05 EST, which is meaningless to me because I'm a non-military American and we don't do 24-hour clocks like everyone else, so then I have to subtract 12 to get 3:05 in the afternoon.  The match starts at 3:05.

But what if it starts at 21:05?  Hm?  Would that mean add one and get 4:05?  Hmmmm?  So I open up the feed at 3:55, just to be safe, and I find that the match is in halftime and I have missed the part before the blizzard where you could sorta see what was going on.  There's this big white field, and some blue people on it, and a couple of red refs, and some dark spots moving around that turn out to be hats.  And they bring out an orange ball because the regular one has gone all invisible.  Oh, and the zebes are already down a goal.

*mental note:  ask Cheryl to make a sticky note to explain European time zones to DB, and another one explaining which balds belong to Martha.*
Oh yeah.  It's already over.  I can feel it.  So I settle in to look at pretty pictures of snow, because I like snow, and I examine the screen to see if I can tell who is wearing tights (everyone) and who is not (Gio and Claude and Lanza and most of the Posnans).

I couldn't see shit so I have no idea what happened.  But it seems there was a presser.  Who is the Trained Monkey O' The Day?



Yay!  It's Gio.



Looks like the gaping head wound is just about healed up.



And it seems he's got a pimple.  Good.  I like my superheros to be just a little bit imperfect about the less important things.



He's growing out his hair.  I'm convinced of it.



No bling!  He's old school.  I'm in love!



Gio shuts down when Not Ciro talks.



Not Ciro shuts down when Gio talks.



And when it's almost match time, everyone heads down to the pitch for a little warm-up in their matching Spritle and Chim-Chim beanies.





There's only a wee bit of snow and they're already anonymous.  They can still see the ball, though.



I understand it was a little nippy.

GAG!


Um, sorry.  My dog's last fart was particularly smelly.  Aren't dogs supposed to have an amazing sense of smell?  If that's true then how come he never seems to notice?




This is what a heated pitch looks like when it's a little nippy.




And here are your starting eleven:


Pepe, Milos, Traore, Claudio, Captain Smiley (he won't look so tough and confident later on)
Gio, Camilleri (who?), Momosicle, Vincicle (he looks like his nuts have already seized up), Leo (ditto, but his are bigger so it hurts more), and MANNINGER!



Yeah, so this is fun n stuff, but let's go sit in one of the toasty warm luxury boxes and order up a scotch and a lap dance.





A few of the faithful made the trip.  Of course they have chosen to celebrate Momo (???) and the thumb-sucking version of Milos, so we have to assume they escaped from the sanitarium, but still, it's nice that they showed up.



Vincenzo Camilleri, a very tall Sicilian teenager, started at right back.





Looks like he got caught doing some, um, fouling.  But no own goals, so at least as good as Marcolino.




Traore started on the left.



Isn't snow pretty?



I've got no reason to hate on Traore, but I sure do miss PDC.  I hear he's off crutches and able to walk on his own.  Hurrah, but awwwwwww, pobrecito!  *cuddles him*



Traore went 80 minutes and was replaced by Primavera Alberto Libertazzi, an 18-year-old local boy from Turin.


Leo started in the center, and I remember seeing him, but I got nothing on him.  Honestly.  What is wrong with the photographers?  If they would only pay attention, we could get a lot more of this sort of thing:



*sigh*

Moving right along----Giorgio.



He's too tough for wussy little tights.





He apparently had an awesome chance towards the end of the first half that got saved or something.



This is making me very sad.  BRB  *goes off for more coffee*




ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Mr. D makes the most awesome coffee.  *happy sigh*





I'm a little concerned that Gio's knees and thighs are all rough and chapped now.  Are there any volunteers who would be willing to give him a rub down with something warm and soothing and extra emollient?  You know, for medicinal purposes.  His medicinal purposes.




It is entirely possible that this is a shot of that Latvian child's goal.  I take that back.  It definitely is.  He certainly knows how to unlock the zebra defense.  I hate him.  I wonder if he'd be willing to sign for Juve?


Well fuck it.  This is as good a place as any to show the fail.



la la la  hiya ref  la la la  RoRo looks great in red  la la la la



proof of Leo la la la la la  bet he wishes his hair was a little longer  la la la la   LOL Claudio's oh shit! face



proof of MANNINGER!  la la la la la



yup.  you betcha.  I wonder how the Reds did against Steaua yesterday.  DON'T TELL ME!



That Latvian mutha is an awesome little baby striker.
Juve could use one of those who hasn't been exiled on loan to Serie B.


Guess who else is too tough for tights?



I know!  You'd think that the total absence of body fat would make that a poor decision, wouldn't you?  Please eat, Claudio.  You live in the glorious land of starch.  Indulge, why dontcha, in some pasta or polenta or risotto.  Hell, have some mashed spuds.  Or bread.  Please.


Momo started and, as usual, there are far more photos of him than his contribution would warrant.



At least I assume he didn't contribute much, because he usually doesn't.  It's not like I could tell which one he was out there.



When everyone is wearing black hats and black tights, Momo doesn't stand out much, snow or no snow.




Hey!  None of these photos document any reckless sliding challenges.  Maybe he did better than I think.



Momo went off in the 75th for Melo. I can only assume that Melo was useless since he overreacts to cold weather even when it isn't really cold yet.


Pepe got right to the point and asked The Man Upstairs for some help.



The Man Upstairs was listening and inspired Not Ciro to take Pepe out and put in Lanza in the 67th.  Lanza tried desperately to impress by forgoing the tights, but.... oh well....he was Lanza and he got some minutes.



I know some of you bitchez are hos for the over-the-knee sock look.  How is Pepe doin' for yas?



 Milos seems to have spent a lot of time pulling his hat-like garment down over this ears.  And he's one of the few with hair.





I'm starting to get cold just looking at these.  Here's a tip:  When it's really hot outside and you just can't cool off, try popping Doctor Zhivago into the DVD player.  In winter, you can reverse the process with Lawrence of Arabia.



Snow is pretty.


Okay then.  Strikers.  Let's see, there's Amauri, Aquilani, Del Piero, Iaquinta, and Quagliarella.  Riiiiight.


I guess that means ADP and Vincenzo started.



*sigh*



*siiiiiigh*



You can tell it's him from the position of the body, even from a distance.



He's looking a little rough out there in the elements, but rugged is good.



FEELINGS!  PASSIONE!  Stinging cold wind making the eyes water!





Yup.  Definitely an accomplished baby-maker.  nom nom nom


And then there was Vincenzo.



He started the match sans chapeau, but that didn't last.



He did some work...



...and he did some dramaz.







Um, blue guy?  Don't bother.  Shrinkage, remember?









He's really growing on me.  He doesn't deliver every time, but he doesn't stop trying.



In the end, Vince put it in on a Krasic assist and saved a point.  Whoopee.  But, you know, good for Vince.



See?  Happy.



He deserves it.



Not that it kept the zebes in Europa League or anything.

In the end, there was no go-ahead goal.  Juve got a draw and was eliminated, but not until after the Citizens come to Turin for an exercise in pointlessness.  With any luck Adebayor will both suck and be a douche, so Marotta won't want him and we can put these maddening transfer rumors to bed once and for all.


And so the freezing zebes said grazie to their adoring tifosi.



Oh, Milos......



....not looking like a blooming rose of 26 right now.




Snow and wind stings when it gets in the eyes and makes them water.



So maybe they aren't crying.



Maybe.    Come on over here and let Bunny warm you up bb.




Meanwhile, back in il bel paese, our cup-tied boyz were enduring a torture of another kind......



.....Posing uncomfortably with the sponsor's PR peeps.  Please notice the pre-frayed fly on Albertino's pants.  I guess we're meant to think he spends a lot of time dry-humping the pylons in parking garages.   Also, that is exactly the same Quags as in the Napoli calendar.  Me no likey.



Better.  If you cover that awfulness up, you can actually notice that Quags has dressed himself very nicely today.  And what's a princess without her crown?



Crap.  It's back.

Speaking of babies, word is that Albertino's female is expecting.  I find this difficult to imagine.  I mean, I can easily see the boy slobbering over some big plastic breasts and generally rubbing himself up against a woman, but he looks way too dim to figure out how to get his swimmers where they need to be to create life.



See?  Quags' smiling is just fine when he's not posing so hard.



Albertino is confused.  He thought pannetone came from the North Pole like Babbo Natale.  Quags, in the meantime, is thinking about American Pie and wondering if he can get a few minutes alone in the warehouse with the pannetoni.  Hmmmm.   Or maybe the pandori...or mandorlati.... OMG!  VOGLIA DI CREMA!  unf unf unf




Aww, an emo moment.


Next up:  a trip to Sicily to see the Elefanti