Geez Vince! For crying out loud.....
This year, Dirtbunny asked Santa to send Juventus a striker who can finish. I don't care much how he does it as long as it doesn't involve illegal potions that show up on drug tests. If he fixes the ones we already have, that's great. If he brings us new ones who know what they're doing, that's fine too. But OMG if I see Vincenzo miss a sitter one more time I am going to have to cut a bitch. Santa doesn't actually have to produce for me until January 6, so that should give him and his elves a little extra time to craft something extra-special, or even a little special.
As far as this match is concerned, I have to keep reminding myself that technically it was not a loss. Sure, Milan lost so Juventus had a wonderful opportunity to pick up points, and I suppose they did, officially, but goddamn it I thought maybe they were past this whole-give-up-the-equaliser-in-extra-time bullshit that they started the year with.
Let's start with some overflow from the Man City match.
A Giannetti mug shot for his fangirlz.
And Alessa for me.
ADP and Mrs. ADP welcomed baby boy Sasha on December 27 and there's some video or something up on his official website that's some sort of big deal or something. I can't look into these sorts of things because they tend to interfere with my carefully-constructed fantasy life, but some of you may want to take a look. And Nedved has a book out.
In other news, Marotta claims that nothing exciting is going to happen during the transfer window, but that hasn't quieted the rumors about buying Gilardino or Pazzini or lord knows who else. Amauri is allegedly staying. Momo, Brazzo, and Lanza are supposedly leaving. The story on Lanza, as I understand it, is this: Of Blacks dropped him from the line-up, claiming Lanza was injured. Lanza's asshole agent/brother went to the press to bitch about how mistreated the poor dear is and how he's not really injured. Of Blacks got pissed off and confirmed that Lanza was not injured and that the truth, which he would have preferred to keep in the locker room until asshole spoke out of turn, is that Lanza has been acting a tit in training and management is tired of his attitude. Both sides seem to agree that Lanza is gone.
This makes me sad. I really wanted to like him, especially since he's a local prospect. As a life-long attitude problem myself, I try to look out for my peeps whenever I can. However, Lanza's on-pitch performance so far shows that he is not the answer right now. Maybe he can be someday, but not now. Why he gotta be a douche about it and get his ass kicked off the squad? Dumbass.
Speaking of dumbasses, let's talk about the match, hmm? Bad news first? OK, then. Bad news first.
By the end of the match, LDN had subbed in Salihamidzic, Legrottaglie, and Traore to shore up the existing defense of Sorensen, Grosso, Gio, and Leo. With seven defensive players on the pitch and the match basically sewn up, the zebras decided to go to happy sleepy dreamland a little early. While they were putting on their jammies, Sergio Pelissier decided to meander into the box and coolly put a nice one right in the hole. In the third minute of stoppage time.
OK so number one? The match isn't over until Bergonzi blows the whistle. Second, Chievo always seems to have Juve's number and Pelissier especially does, so number one applies even more. Third, if you ask me, Sorensen was probably most directly responsible for losing Pelissier, tho it pains me to say so. Fourth, but really, no one was paying attention anyway so I declare it a collective defensive fail. Fifth, with SEVEN DEFENDERS ON THE PITCH! HOW IS THAT EVEN FUCKING POSSIBLE ON A WELL-MANAGED PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL SQUAD? HOW?
*stomps around and throws things*
Aside from that, Sorensen did pretty nicely, although he gave up the ball a few more times than he ought.
He's still better than Motta, but then who isn't?
Please, please buy him while he's cheap.
Grosso started on the other side. He did nothing great, and nothing particularly awful, and managed to escape the photographers' notice, which I'm sure is fine with all of us.
Our brilliant pair of badass motherfuckers started in the center.
Leo did fine, but not great. On Juventus' Offside's weekly podcast, one of the guys had seen some stats that showed that Gio and Iaquinta had the most tackles, not Leo. BTW, that podcast was my source for the Lanza-gossip.
Now that's a face that says "Ooops!"
Giorgio did what he does and what we love him for.
proof of Grosso
For better or for worse, one of the things that Gio does is commit hard fouls inside the box. He usually gets away with it because he's so freaking awesome. I can't explain why, but my heart explodes with love when Gio beats the crap out of someone. My heart explodes with disgust and a sense of injustice when Walter Samuel does the same. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Anyway, that shit eventually catches up with a guy.
He went for the ball, but he was never going to get there.
So instead, what happened is that he lashed out with his big stork leg, flapped his foot in the general direction of the ball, and knocked Moscardelli and his weird greasy ponytail to the floor. Bergonzi didn't let this one go. Yellow card. And penalty.
TANGENT: Wouldn't have it been great if it had been RoRo instead of Bergonzi? Can you imagine how RoRo would have handled Gio?
LOL Leo, helpfully letting the ref know who knocked the ball out of bounds, and completely missing the point.
And so a penalty is taken. If only the Zebes had a BAMF number-two keeper!
Enter one Marcostorari, BAMF.
We all know he can make saves in the run of play, but what about PKs? How is he with those?
He good. He real good.
Now some may say that Marcolini's PK was weak sauce. To that I say "Bite me."
Doesn't matter what kind of sauce. It was a save.
Some may say that Marcostorari comes off his line early which, apparently, would be cheating-- if it happened.
To them I say "Bite me!" and also, meet me and my army of Juventini outside after the post, sir, and we'll settle this properly.
*sigh*
So he saved the PK and that was that.
There was a little bit of post-save fierceness, but mostly Marcostorari was all smiles. &hearts
Yeah. So the midfield. Albertino was there.
My lack of enthusiasm for him today is more a reflection of my inability to see many of the subtle things that central mids do, and not so much an indication that he sucked or anything.
He's been an important addition to the squad and we should keep him.
As long as he continues to be non-broken, that is.
Well wrap me up and put me under the Christmas tree! Pepe has stopped sucking!
I wouldn't say he's great or anything, just non-terrible.
Consistently adequate. He's in the running for "Most Improved Zebra" along with Soldier BB PDC.
I'm not saying the suits should buy him when the loan is up.
They can do a lot better, but they can also do worse.
He just wants to be loved. Is that so wrong?
And..... Milos.
The Team Bus Barber is calling, bb. Are you man enough to answer?
Eww. Moscardelli.
Look at it. He greases it thoroughly and pulls it back tight, after making sure that he gets it to stand up enough on top to make him look like he's got a pointy head. Combine that with the pointy chin and...... I don't know what to call it. It's sort of like this, only before the graphite turns to diamond. Why would anyone choose this?
Oh yeah, Milos. So, he has this thing he does. He'll be running up the wing at what looks like full speed, right next to a defender of some sort. Then he passes the ball forward, well in front of himself and you think he'll never be able to get to that.
But he finds another gear, manages to find a little more pace, and blows past the defender to chase his own ball.
And he gets it. And he's wiiiiiiiiiide open.
And then he's got a beautiful, amazing chance so he takes a shot.
And he fucking misses.
Dude, if you can't either finish or pass the ball to someone else who can finish, then there's really no point in all that, is there? This was not the first time you blew a sitter, either. I'm watching you.
And from the Department of People We Won't Be Watching For A While.......
Manuel Giandonato. I realize that this photo makes him look like a dork. I wish I had a better one to show you. But there's only the one in which he features. See, in minute 52, he was chasing Kevin Konstant down the pitch when he looked up and noticed that Marcostorari was away on walkabout. As Konstant was about to leave him in the dust and run at an open goal, Giandonato gave Konstant's shirt a little tug, and.....
Straight red for denying an obvious goal-scoring opportunity. It seemed harsh, but there it is in the Laws of the Game.
There was more than the usual dramaz because at first Bergonzi showed red to Bonucci, who had nothing to do with it. With the help of his able assistant, Bergonzi was able to solve the case of mistaken identity without using any unholy man-made technology, and he corrected himself. Good, right? Would you rather loser Giandonato or Bonucci? Still, it sucked.
Aww. BB has to look up to see if it's really real. &hearts
So the Zebes finished out the last 40 minutes of the match with 10 men quite ably until naptime. BTW, with ten men on the pitch during the fail, the only two attacking players left were Vincenzo and Aquilani, so seven defensive players and a keeper. zzzzzzzzz And that's the end of the chapter on the mids.
Vincenzo put in a lot of effort.
He battled hard with Slovenian Sasquatch. Sasquatch got a yellow, but probably deserved about three.
That's OK. Vince is tough.
He can do anything.
Anything at all.
Except finish. Dude! You're two meters from Sorrentino! You can't chip it over him? You have to put it right in the breadbasket? You're grounded.
At last. Quagliarella.
It was a typical day for a typical Quags.
Working, not getting anywhere or accomplishing much.
But when you least expect it, expect it.
See that pink boot?
That's Quaggipoo, taking a shot.
Taking a shot, scoring a goal.
What kind of ego-maniacal freak --coffcoff Zlatan coffcoff--even has the nerve to try that shot?
I can't remember the last time I saw him score a nice, simple, normal goal.
Shit like that never goes in.
But it did.
It went in.
Time to prance.
Leo looks on with pride as Quags tries out the "Mouth Full O' Spooge" face. "I taught him that," Leo explains.
Hee! Vince is about to explode.
Oh hurrah. The Quagsplane is taking off.
vroom
VROOM
VROOM, BB! VROOOM!
Ew. Sasquatch spits. I just noticed. This is men right here, my friends: their whimsical boyishness, and their hairy grossness.
Time for manlove.
Um, where's il capitano?
Aw. Pepe's got a sweet smile.
Baby mid before he got sent off, having a happy moment.
Daw.
Yes, Fabio. You da man. You so much da man that people keep writing really disturbing pop songs about you.
If it's me, I'd want a flavor of gelato named after me, or maybe a dance move, or an awesome new cuss word.
I can't help the bad songs, and I shudder at the memories of the Napoli calendar, but I'm glad he's ours.
Of course, after that, it all turned to shit.
Next match is home against Parma on Thursday January 6. After that, Napoli, then Catania in the Coppa, then we start all over again with the second half of the season.
No comments:
Post a Comment