JUVENTUS 2:0 MILAN
I have stuff going on IRL (if you care, you can read about it here) so the euphoria of Juventus' glorious victory had faded a little, but then I came across a link to this video........
...and it's all back, baby. This might be the last Bianconeri win of the season but, courtesy of the international break, I intend to savor it for the next two weeks. Look at it! Look at Conte glomping Andrea and Gigi! Look at Bonucci and Gio lifting il Mister clear off the ground with mighty arms and hearts full of RAWR! Look at Lichtsteiner all "Oh, we're hugging. Ew. Okay. *pat pat* Can I go now?" And Pepe all "Hey coach! Hug me too! Hug me!" Thank goodness my ovaries are old and shriveled because I'm probably past the age where I can get pregnant over the Interwebs.
Or maybe not.
Whew. I hardly know where to start. *ponders* How 'bout with The Truth? Juventus played really well, but Milan was not at its best.
Milan's handsome Mister with the Belmondo-ian creases in his forehead was nervous enough to have cut himself shaving. Either that or Berlusconi gave him a hickey. Coaching Milan means putting up with special hardships.
The Republic of Clarence certainly looked like the Baddest Badass, but his form was not quite as good as it's been for the last few games. (Thank God).
KPB was back from injury but his challenges don't exactly have the same satiny smoothness of Sandro's.
This happened late in the match, but it helped, of course.
Zlatan started by earning fourth official Tagliavento's disapproval with his horrid hair.
After that, he was pretty much done, which is better than Cheetos, who didn't show up at all. Pato: *cackles*
Abbiati made some important saves.
Acrobatic saves make for nice photographs.
Milan looked absolutely terrible, which is not a fair reflection of how good a team they really are. So respect. Also: THREE POINTS!! NYAH NYAH erm, sorry
Gigi didn't have a lot to do except strut around and get bossy during set pieces.
Cheetos: Sheee-it. He's more accurate that I am today.
PDC is out injured and Conte put Grosso on the call-up sheet, so Juventini around the world embraced their dread and steeled themselves for another appearance by The Orange One. Conte, however, is not LDN. Conte decided to try something different. He started Gio at left back.
For those of you who are new, Gio started as a left back before he switched to the center. He's rusty, certainly, and he's by no means a world-class fullback. That said, he's Gio. With Barzagli playing on the left of center between Gio and Leo, the defense was much less exposed than it was when LDN tried this last season, and Gio seemed to have a good amount of confidence.
His sinewy legs!
Gio hasn't been quite the BAMF we've come to expect, although he ranks very high in league stats for completed passes. He's contributed, but Sunday he brought the OOMPH back to his defending.
Also? There are no photos of this, but he got a head knock towards the end of the match when KPB committed an intentional handball and smacked Gio in the face in the process. He spouted blood (yum) and had to wear a panty.
His face! &hearts
Barzagli's pants might have been uncomfortably bunchy, but Zlatan couldn't beat him.
He's been so good that I'm beginning to doubt whether we'll see Sorensen at all this season.
He's certainly earned his Azzurri call-up.
Leo Bonucci finally got a start. He was, um, clearly motivated to show Conte that he deserves more playing time.
RAWR!
He came close to a goal...
...but Abbiati saved it.
Sorry, Martha, but Bonera stank.
ONOZ!
The boy needs a rub-down. Unclench, bb.
I'm not perfect, but I'm perfect for you. unf
Defensively, the right flank was solid.
Milan never got off a good shot against the BUM.
Let KPB flail around with his elbows and so forth. Our BUM doesn't give a shit.
It's kind of sad how quickly I've come to take Lichtsteiner for granted. He'll start. He'll defend well. He won't fuck up. The end.
Oh yeah. He's still demented.
Going forward, on the other hand, the right flank was not all that.
Milos had another unremarkable game. Mmmmmmmmmmmm Zlatan!belly
Having the BUM behind him to lessen his defensive responsibilities hasn't shown results on offense yet.
He was subbed out for Jack early in the second half. No one cared.
C'mere, you.
I'd never say this about Zambrotta2006, but if you are known for your pace and you can't get past Zambrotta2011, you have a big problem. Sorry, Gian, but on paper he's supposed to beat you.
I don't remember Pepe at all, but he was obviously there on the left. *shrugs*
Vidal scurried around the midfield nicely.
He couldn't finish for shit. Maybe the goal mouth in the Bundesliga is 10m higher, I don't know.
He kept trying, though, crap finish after crap finish.
Mirko started alone up top.
He had some really nice shots in the first half.
He put in a beautiful shot that clanged heartbreakingly off the underside of the crossbar.
Milan had to work hard to mark Mirko.
I suppose this is a good time for a Sandro Show.
It's really kind of unsporting for Milan to keep sending him out to play.
He's supposed to be old and broke-down. That's what we all expect. He sure doesn't play like it.
If he decides he needs to come up behind me and nudge me with his groin, I'd be OK with that.
I'm not going to complain too much.
Juventus does have some pretty fine defenders, after all.
So. A few weeks ago, there was some bitching that Juve was too Pirlo-dependent and that some quality man-marking would shut him down and leave Juventus enfeebled. Juventus is perfectly capable of being enfeebled whether Andrea is on the pitch or not. Assuming that targeting Pirlo would be an effective strategy, Milan chose not to man-mark him.
I just can't even talk about him. I had no idea he was going to play like this when we signed him this spring. I'll bet Allegri didn't think so either. *snerk*
OMG. Clarence's thiiiiigh!
*adores*
Is it just me, or does Noce seem kind of....stubby?
Once again, visual confirmation that it's not the pants. Step it up, zebras.
Zlatan: Meh. I think I'll just stand around and watch. I get paid either way.
You know who else was busy?
Oh, come on. If you're reading this, you have Internet. If you have Internet, you have calcio news. If you have calcio news, you know exactly who exploded on Sunday.
Much of the attack came from Claudio rather than the wingers. No big surprise there, given the wingers, but Milan may have expected Claudio to sit back in the midfield and, I dunno, share recipes with Barza or something.
Excuse me for a moment, will you? Bite me, Van Bommel, you troll. Not even trying for the ball, are you?
I'm glad he hasn't been handicapped by his grotesque concentration face.
I'm also glad his dorky highlights have grown out.
I'm not sure what is going on down below Claudio's waist, but I'm feeling stirrings of competitiveness. Among other things.
At around minute 86, it was still null-null, and I was starting to think that a draw wasn't so bad, really, given that Milan are scudetto favorites. But then the Zebes did a bit of tricky one-touch passes as Claudio wove through the defense: Vidal, Claudio, Mirko, Bonera (oops), Claudio, goal.
GOAL!
I thought it might be an own goal, but the replays have convinced me that Bonera hardly got a toe on it, certainly not enough to deflect the pass away from Claudio, and Claudio definitely got the last touch.
This was entirely unexpected.
Claudio ran off to the curva to crow at his peeps.
Mercy me. *fans self*
And here in Our Nation's Capital, my house was like this:
Mirko got to Claudio first. He was the one who supplied the ball, after all.
Then Vidal, still wearing a bandage from last week's head knock, who was a crucial part of the build-up.
Then the rest of the boys arrived.
Then Claudio strutted back to the center for the restart.
I AM AMAZING! BOW DOWN BEFORE ME!
Zlatan: *pretends not to notice*
RAWR!
Zlatan: *examines shoelaces*
You've brought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it. I thank you all.
After that, KPB bloodied Gio's face. While Chiello lay on the floor getting his head all bandaged up and getting comforted oh-so-tenderly by Leo, Agnelli lit up a smoke in the tribuna while Elkann gave Nonna Agnelli un bacio. Really. But Gio bounded to his feet once the panty was in place, and it was time for the zebras to go to sleep.
Only they didn't. Milan went to sleep. Jack took a run to the corner and sent a pretty crappy shot into the box, Milan cleared it lazily and sloppily, and the ball went to Claudio, who took a shot from distance and there it was.
Pathetically, Abbiati both got nutmegged and fumbled the ball between his hands.
Poor fascist. *awkward pat*
Pepe was thrilled, cos he knew he was about to get some.
Too cute.
Gigi did a little happy dance, and in my head, he was doing "Everybody Needs Somebody to Love" onstage at the Palace Hotel Ballroom.
I need you, you, you.
I need you, you, you.
Sweeheart to miss. Sugar to kiss....
Mirko gave Claudio another cuddle after the final whistle.
And soon everyone else came up for a post-match Festival of Love.
Including il Mister.
Cute butt, Andrea.
Il Mister got himself a handful of Andrea and Claudio, and Pepe decided not to be left out. &hearts
Capitano Gigi congratulating the youngster. Juventino per sempre.
Don't squeeze him too hard, Gio. Andrea to DB: Are you kidding, bitch? I ran with Rino for years. I can handle it rough. Go away so he can choke me out.
Andrea's got his eyes all scrunched shut with squee. *dies of teh cute*
Il Mister may have forgotten he's the Mister now. He's acting a bit like a teammate. Will he be able to re-establish discipline? *portentous music*
OMG Leo. *wants*
Don't crush him. He's awfully slender! Andrea to DB: *glares*
And then they all went off the curvas to love the tifosi.
Except ADP, who may have looked sour and sulky on the sideline, but who was actually anxiously hoping for an early flight to Dulles for his two weeks in DC with Bunny. I baked a cake for you, sweetie.
BUM is naked? Of all those magnificent men, BUM is the one who takes off his shirt for us?
So proud of you guys.
'course it's just one match. No one has won the scudetto yet.
You can't possibly go a whole season without a loss. No one can.
There will be suck in the future, so let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Still though, you've done good, and the tifosi thank you for the joy. Next time, how about give the fangirlz something more than Lichtsteiner's pale torso to thank you for, 'mkay.
Next match is October 16 at Chievo. Oh no. No. Not Chievo. Fucking donkeys.
For those of you Milanistas and other non-Juventini who've lasted all the way to the bitter end, thanks. I know it's been a bit like watching two friends get revoltingly schmoopie. Here's your reward.
These are from last summer's D&G underwear campaign. If they look familiar, it's because I stole them from bustedflush
They covered them exhaustively, for which we are all very grateful.
If you're interested in this sort of thing, and you're here so you must be, here are links so you can revisit 2010 posts from April 14, April 15, April 25 (never mind the Monty), April 29, April 30, and June 10.
What? Vincenzo is still a zebra--officially--but Amauri may finally be leaving. So sad.
I love Martha.
Finally, this one is worth seeing again.
I'd like to take those moles and play connect-the-dots with my tongue.
No comments:
Post a Comment