Remember me?
Like Gio, I've been around; you just haven't seen me. I blame my boss, Uncle Sam, who can be a real dick sometimes. But that's all done now, and Gio and I are both back. The Milan match is tomorrow and I'll need to start drinking early, so here's the Cliff Notes version of the last three matches.
Siena 0:1 Juventus
PDC was suspended (idiot) and Ziegler is in Turkey, so Conte played his only left-back option involving a player who is nominally a left back. Grosso was as tan as ever (I guess the Primavera mostly train outside) and he was neither great nor awful. That's good news, I guess, because he didn't fuck up, but part of me thinks all it means is that his inevitable calamitous fuck-up is coming.
Giorgio started, but he was subbed out early in the second half for Leonardo. The photogs barely even noticed him, which I cannot understand. How can you ignore that face?
I'm pretty sure Leo came in for minutes, not because Gio was hurt or anything.
Dude: I want to see more of your RAWR, your crotch issues, and your eyebrows. For that to happen, you need more playing time. Whatever you are doing in training to make Conte skeptical? STOP IT. STOP IT NOW.
The novelty of the BUM has worn off, but everyone loves Gigi, even when his form is something short of the spectacular we demand of him.
Pepe started on the wing. I love how composed and focused his face is.
Sleepy is still awake.
Claudio.
What on earth happened to D'Agostino? Not that long ago, he was an Azzurro. Of course, back then, you didn't have to be good to get a call-up; you only had to fit into the mystery tactics in Lippi's head.
Hello there tiny frantic blond man. I am tired of typing out "Giaccherini" and therefore, with the powers inherent in my position as Dirtbunny, I dub thee "Jack" (which is an English-language rendition of "Giacch.") Jack, you have yet to impress me. This is worrisome. It usually takes little more than a smile for a tiny man to work his way into Bunny's heart. Maybe you should call Mighty Marco or Gargano for pointers.
Mirko was, well, Mirko-ish.
Meanwhile, on the touchline......
....the Tuscan photogs were obsessively documenting Conte's return to Siena. Courtesy of Daylife, I bring you this little gem:
How did that get in here? I meant this little gem:
Holy Father, please help them play all the way to the final whistle, even though they're playing a small side. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
OMG HOLY WATER!?!?! My secular Protestant mind has just been blown.
It seems pretty clear now that Conte will have his stroke before Gasperini. He was up to his usual stuff.
Don't you lot let me down. I got my nails done for this.
AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! WHERE'S THE GRINTA? HEY DUMMIES: THIS IS A SIMPLE GAME! YOU HEAD THE BALL....
YOU PASS THE BALL, YOU KICK THE BALL!
Sono stupidi... (Hey! Is that right?)
Chillax, Vecchio.
And so sure enough, Matri finally got on the board with a nice little goal, assisted by Mirko.
Yayz!
Uh oh. It's coming. You can see it in his face.
Ah Yes. The Secret Smug Selabration that makes Matri look like an abject wanker.
This has got to stop.
Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad if we knew what the secret was.
Even Quags thinks it's obnoxious. Ah well. Let's finish up with some hugs and so forth.
So, then. Juventus traveled to one of the provinciale and lived to tell the tale. How would they do against a small side at home?
Juventus 1:1 Bologna
Now this one was a bit of a surprise. First, it was Bologna, and Juventini expect to suffer Revenge of Di Vaio whenever Juventus plays Bologna. Second, it's another small squad, at home this time, which is a recipe for overconfidence and, therefore, fail. Third, despite playing half the match with 10 men (thankyouverymuchmirko), the boys did not choke. This is a point that would not have been earned last season, or the season before that either.
ADP started. That villain Portonova has saggy socks. A begrudging +1 for him.
ADP missed an absolutely glorious chance. Soooooo close.
Ditto Milos.
...only Alessa was open for a sitter had Milos decided not to be selfish.
Gio and his face were there. So was Acquafresca, who is much improved in his new haircut. Unfortunately, he still has that Sawdust face. Good grief.
These awful black underlayers make everyone look pudgy. Whither the abs?
Ze BUM.
Claudio. Sometimes he clenches his jaw so hard I worry that he's going to shatter his teeth. (Hi Diego!)
Claudio battled Diego Perez (one of the Uruguayan Diegos) most of the match. It was an unf-fest. nnnggh
Matri subbed in for ADP in the second half.
Not his day.
Vidal got a few minutes.
Pirlo was there.
There are starting to be grumbles that Juve depends too much on him and all you have to do to beat them is double-team Pirlo.
Whatevs. Pirlo provided a beautiful assist and Mirko got a nice header into the goal.
Mirko and Pirlo had a little moment of RAWR, which Pepe typically attempted to infiltrate with his neediness.
And then there was a proper group hug.
And then, Mirko took leave of his senses and finished his celebration by seizing a waste bin from the touchline and inverting it on his head like a hat. Which was kind of cute if you're the type who gets all giggly when Mirko acts crazy, but which earned him a yellow card.
No problem right?
Wrong. Mirko committed a boneheaded foul at the end of the half and got his ass sent off. Dimwit.
You have only yourself to blame.
Ready for the big finish?
OK then. Pepe and Portonova were bitching and shoving during the entire match,
Sorta looks like Pepe is losing, right?
I believe that this is the first time I've ever seen Pirlo get anywhere near a fight, even to restrain someone. Didn't he used to take the opportunity to take a wee catnap? What has gotten into him?
Anyhow, Pepe was his usual frantic, desperate self, and he made an, ummm, passionate play at the goal line that ended up as you see up there, with Pepe rolling on the ground and Gillet unconscious. I never did get a good look at the replay (crappy mid week feed and so forth with Italian commentary), so I'm not sure what happened. Because it was Pepe, the tiny bellicose midfielder, the Bolognese got all upset, which meant that the zebes had to get upset too. And somewhere in the middle of the melee (just barking, chest bumping, and other displays of macho), Bonucci, who is apparently bored out of his mind on the bench, came storming off the bench and down the touchline to the corner to join the scrum, just so everyone understood that he too was muy macho. RAWR.
So Leo gets a yellow from the bench. Nimrod.
And it all finished like this:
You're welcome, Inter.
P.S. Don't even try to tell me that Diego Lopez has lost his commie hot just because he decided to grow 2cm of hair.
And now for the most recent match, which I remember the least.
Catania 1:1 Juventus
Just so you know, it's not my fault that David Suazo can be seen lurking in the background in practically all of these. I love him when he plays for Los Catrachos, but in Italy, he is anathema.
Starting Eleven observing a minute of silence. Gigi, apparently gets to ditch these whenever he wants. BTW, I'm impressed with how respectfully the crowds observe the moment of silence. On August 9, 2009, Mr. D and I saw Real Madrid play DC United here in town, and the match began with a minute of silence in honor of Daniel Jarque, who had died the day before. The stadium was full of yahoos who hear "minute of silence" and think "This is my shot for my friends to hear me on TV!" so there was a lot of hootin' and hollerin' and woohooin'. I was embarrassed and kind of ashamed that my people had so little class towards the Spanish players, many of whom knew Jarque well and had to have been in shock.
Ugh. Moving on, if you want Gigi, you have to see the Catania goal:
Satisfied? OK then. Maybe this will perk you up a little:
Derpy goalscorer Bergessio celebrated with a little dance with the net that looked a bit like a standing crab walk and a bit like a spider scurrying around his web. I'll bet his mother wishes he'd just make the stupid heart.
Here is the one Gio photo:
...and here is the other one:
Conte started The Orange One at left back.
Naturally, I was outraged. The club didn't reveal until after the match that Grosso had to start because PDC picked up a knock in training and Conte made Ziegler go away.
There was lots of Barza:
He got hurt at the end, and the squad played the last few minutes with 10 men cos there were no more subs.
Poor baby. *pats him*
The no-longer-new-and-exciting Lichtsteiner played quite capably on the right. So pink!
Elia started too, and was exceedingly meh. I don't doubt he'll get better, but I cackle at the hubris of his summer mouthiness. Jerk
Pepe came in for him at the half.
Have you noticed yet? The most striking feature of this match was the ginormous difference in pitch conditions from the first half to the second.
First half:
Second half:
Wet white kits and shin guards that say "Andrea"!
First half:
Second half:
Wet white kits (hm) and shin guards that say "Milos Krasic"
Speaking of wet white kits....
...I love rain. *le sigh*
Claudio got most of his major action in the first half:
He was replaced at the end by Quags. Quags! Squeeeee
Also wearing a wet white kit.
Wet white kit, a bloody panty, and a trailing piece of toilet paper hanging off his spikes.
Where was I? Oh yeah. First half:
Second half:
D'ya think the watch came through OK?
First half:
Second half:
Yeah. So. Um, Milos finally got his first goal of the season, which drew Juventus even with Catania and led to the salvation of a point from the whole mess.
He's given up the thumb-sucking and moved on to the heart.
And the airplane. Oh dear. Plz shave.
And after that, there's a group hug. Pepe relies on the group hugs for all of his physical affection, so he can get pretty desperate to be included.
Yikes. 1: Pirlo's eyebags! Horror! 2: Andrea loves Milos, doesn't he? Lord knows why.
Quags and Jack come over from warming up to join the party. And Leo, who I'm still mad at.
Milos is bestowing kisses. It's Pepe's lucky day!
So. Three matches against three small sides. No losses. Five points. Played every match until the end. Did not fall apart when things went bad. Conte has an irrational admiration for Jack and Grosso. Leo got his hair cut off just when it was looking really nice. Andrea needs a eyelift even more than my 85-year-old grandmother. Elia is not all that. Not yet, anyway. Juventus remains unbeaten. And ADP is still mine all mine.
Next match is tomorrow at home against Milan. The bad news is that Zlatan is back from injury and PDC is still out. The good news is Epic Battle of Gio v Zlatan! RAWR!!!
Call ups:
1 Buffon, 3 Chiellini, 5 Pazienza, 6 Grosso, 7 Pepe, 8 Marchisio, 10 Del Piero, 14 Vucinic, 15 Barzagli, 17 Elia, 18 Quagliarella, 19 Bonucci, 21 Pirlo, 22 Vidal, 24 Giaccherini, 26 Lichtsteiner, 27 Krasic, 28 Estigarribia, 30 Storari, 32 Matri, 34 Marrone
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