Inter 1:2 Juventus
You all know by now that Sunday's match against Napoli was rained out and has purportedly been rescheduled for December 14. Thus, no Napspam and also a de facto extension of time for Dirtbunny to post an Inter spam. Lucky lucky me!
WOOT! WE BEAT INTER!
Let's not even bother with the whole "Inter isn't really Inter right now bit." I'd rather beat Inter when Inter is at the top of their form, but matches happen when they happen and right now, Inter is what it is and Juventus beat them. At the San Siro. Maybe it can't last. Surely the other shoe will drop soon enough. For now, though, Juventus is still unbeaten in Serie A.
Holy crap. Even Milos looks half-decent in a suit, if you disregard the hair.
Where do I begin? Let's see. There will probably be no Interness spam, and Interistas are accustomed to beginning with Il Mister so I bring you Tinkerman:
He started out smiling.
But the smile dimmed.
And he had to start, um, motivating his squad.
He always looks to me like he's trying to give such precise instructions.
I think here he's asking Obi to stir a potion of some sort. I don't think Obi got it. Who would?
No hard feelings, Tink. Subsequent events have shown that Juventus' poor results in 2008-09 were not all down to you.
I'm glad you're working, but also glad you aren't working for the Zebes.
The Zebes finally have the coach they need--someone who understands how heavy the shirt is and who can make newbies want to play for the shirt.
Since this was a Derby D'Italia, you know who came to play.
Maicon came to play, in all his muppety glory.
Sure, he may go missing for large chunks of
Look at the sad faces of those defenders. :(
Pazzo: YAYZ!
Gigi: You fuckers!
Gio: *sniffle*
Cuchu: It's really real!
So Maicon took off on a prance, accompanied by... can you guess?
Accompanied by Arms of Joy!
Maicon tolerated that well enough...
...but he had some honoring of the wife to do.
She must be the longest-suffering woman on the Italian peninsula.
Or possibly Mrs. Matrix.
No--it's Mrs. Maicon. Definitely.
Young Obi came over to say Good on You! but he was ignored.
Need not the adoration of bbz, the Great Maicon does.
Aside from the goal. Maicon brought his Oscar-caliber stuff. There were all sorts of protests and gestures and face-pulling.
The very best of them occurred when Rizzoli somehow managed not to call a vicious foul. Maicon was so flabbergasted by this unexplainable event that he dropped to his knees and slapped himself repeatedly--Curly-style--to see if he was dreaming. I kid you not.
BTW: Curly, for those among you fortunate enough not to know:
Gigi may have been full of RAWR, but I don't remember that he had a lot to do. He probably ought to sacrifice one of his children to the Gods of the Crossbar, but that's up to him.
He was on top of his defenders the whole match. He did not want to lose.
Hell, no. Not to Inter.
He had some barking to do, and not just at Pazzo.
You better not suck!
I can make a buttload of money pretty much anywhere, you know, and then you'lll be stuck with Marcostorari!
Gigi realized the flaw in his argument and backed away. Um, not that I would ever leave Juventus, my home and my love! heh heh.
Geez. Was Pazzo the only striker Rainieri put on the pitch? Why don't I have any photos of Zarate? BRB.
Zarate started. Interesting.
Give me a break, OK? I know that's the kind of thing I'm supposed to remember, but I ended up watching the match after midnight in the attic of my football-disdaining parents during a weekend in the boondocks of Central Virginia. When I said the next morning that my team had beaten the ultimate evil, my mother thought it had something to do with the Dallas Cowboys.
Gio continues to be Conte's go-to left back. I'm inclined to trust Conte on this. Plus, the end result is that Leo, Barza, and Gio all get to start every match, and that's good.
Hm. My memory fails me again. Oh well. I managed to watch the match in the middle of the night without waking anyone with my Juve-Joy. Think of everything I had to suppress to make that happen.
According to the photographic record, Cuchu seems to have given Gio a spontaneous audition for the Bald Revue. Cuchu showed him the steps, but Gio's furrowed brow tells me that he's not so much with the dance moves, which I'm sure comes as a huge surprise to everyone. It's just as well. With that schnozz of his, I don't think Gio can pull off drag.
Gio spooning with Maicon.
Sparring with Pupi, maybe for the last time evar!
No, I have nothing to support that. I'm just speculating that if Juventus can unceremoniously dump ADP, is it really beyond the realm of possibility that Moratti, that motherfucker, could do the same to Pupi?
Oops. Sorry about that, Interistas. I only meant to point out how unspeakably this whole ADP thing has come about. I didn't mean to freak you out about your icon. Bygones?
Pazzo had a rough fucking day.
Perhaps he was a teeny bit overdramatic in some of these photos, but the Zebes went all out to shut him down. They succeeded only because of the crossbar. (Thank you Jesus)
LOL. Pazzo struggling oh-so-mightily to get away from Gio, who is showing barely any effort at all. Maybe a little more time on the weight machines, Grumpus.
Never mind. Forget I said anything about being over-dramtic, and focus instead on Leo's belly.
Yeah, well you can't prove that this was a foul. *juts out chin defensively* Also: eyebrowzzzzzzzz yum
Yuto time.
Busy, busy, busy.
Yuto, the Photographer's Phriend.
Run, run, run.
Here.
There.
Everywhere.
Yuto n Vidal.
Vidal n Yuto.
Yuto n Pepe.
Pepe n Yuto.
Why doesn't he ever get tired? He must be a tiny striped robot.
Unfair! How come Juve can't have a tiny striped robot? I blame Moratti.
Barza! Mi Novio! Hey there Pouty. Y U No show up in more pictures?
TANGENT: I've got an old La Liga recording from Gol TV playing in the background as a I write this. It's amazing how much less annoying La Liga is when you don't have Ray Hudson shrieking about kaleidoscope eyes the whole match.
Oi! Dutchie! Hands off the junk!
I am so glad that my ugly mug isn't plastered all over the interwebs. Poor Barza.
Um, poor Pazzo, sorta.
In keeping with the pretense that the sequence of photos is not completely random, let's look at the rest of the Juventus defense.
Big Ugly Monster being a monster who is big and ugly.
Oh pleeze. That bb Dutchie isn't nearly good enough to plausibly cause dramaz this theatrical.
If it feels as though Obi wasn't really around much during the match, say "Thank you, BUM."
Nine matches in. One yellow card.
So far.
Um, Inter brought defenders too. Well, Lucio, anyway. Leo giving the eyebrow, Barza pretty far away but flinching anyway, and Gio--either brainless or extraordinarily brave--diving low to head the ball away from Lucio's mighty foot.
As has been his practice recently, Conte started what Juventiknows calls the MVP Midfield.
Claudio is the "M." More on him later. This was a match against, Inter, after all, so if you can't guess what he did, then you're probably new.
Vidal is the "V." Unlike Gio, he can do the steps and he's got the jazz hands down cold.
However, Arturo declines to remove the facial hair, so he won't be joining the revue.
Cuchu is disappointed. Not very many of his prospects can actually dance.
Rules is rules, however. No shave, no show.
OK, I've just spent the last eight minutes trying to figure out who that is in the sandwich with Pepe and Vidal. I don't know. I am not going to start comparing shoes. Good hops, mystery dude.
Vidal was one of the big meanies who victimized poor, poor Pazzo.
TANGENT: About that La Liga match I mentioned, Gol TV just gave me a juicy close-up of Tiago Mendes, which filled me with joy because 1: HE IS NOT WEARING A JUVE SHIRT and 2: HE WILL NEVER AGAIN WEAR A JUVE SHIRT. Even if the rest of the season goes all to shit, Juventini will always have that.
Andrea is the "P."
OK. So you may be realizing that there is no Milos. He's been benched for the last few matches because of a combination of poor form and because of a traffic accident that killed his uncle and injured his father. I mock him, but I wish him well. The reason I bring this up now is Andrea's shin guards. Look closely. It's not like I expected them to say "Sleepy" or anything. But. They say "Andrea Pirlo." *sigh* Mr. D pointed this out to me because we've been together for a zillion years and therefore, his mission in life is to crush any tiny gleam of whimsy that may come into my life. Fair is fair. I cannot make fun of Milos' shin guards any more. Sorry, Serbo.
Hey there, Sleepy.
No, it just looks like he's throwing an elbow because of the lack of depth perception.
You can actually see air under Pirlo's feet. He is jumping. Jumping. He's a new man. &hearts
What is it they say? Legends all over the damn place. Yeah. That's it.
Time for Wesley. He seems to be coming back, finally, which is good. It's fine for Inter to lose to Juve, but Serie A needs Inter to do well in Champions League and Wes is a special player and it's not nearly time for him to be finished. Jeez.
Well, this doesn't look so good.
This doesn't either.
All in all, it wasn't Wesley's best day. Towards the end, he was bitching at Rizzoli badly enough to get carded.
Not much longer after that, Pirlo decided to use physical encouragement to convince Wes to cut it with the whining, for which he was carded too.
Shall we enter the debate about Conte's formation? Is it a 4-2-4? A 4-3-3? A 4-4-2? 8-6-7-5-3-0-9? Who gives a shit? There's guys in back, guys in the middle, guys on the sides, and guys up front.
Guys on the sides:
Peppity Pep Pepe.
Keeping Wesley down.
Every bit as busy as Yuto, but taller and with more convincing facial hair.
Poor Pepe. He is boring me. I am bored.
He puts in so much effort game after game and in the end, all Dirtbunny can say is, "Pepe. Hm. Well."
Nothing written on the shin guards. No visible pants problems.
zzzzzzz
Mirko! Yay!
Mirko was very active, much less lazy than in recent matches.
BTW, you know I love me some Chivu but maybe he should stop fussing about how he's really a center back. It invites comparison to Inter's other CBs, which maybe doesn't flatter him too much.
Does not look like he's spent the morning eating pot-laced brownies.
Cuchu!
You always need to be looking for little chances to practice. That's why high school drum players never fucking stop drumming with pencils, hands, forks, or whatever else they can get their hands on. And that's why Cuchu works hard to look graceful whenever he can.
So much drama.
Esti came on as a sub in the 70th.
He's not a star, but he does his job competently enough, so yay.
Plus, he's not particularly impressed with Lucio. I don't know whether that's wise, but it's nice that he can keep going about his business without being crippled by terror.
Quit fucking around!
Run around, work, whatever. To be Juventino means you must win!
So get your striped asses out there and score some goals!
Do it!
OK, then. Goal scorers.
Well, strikers anyway.
I was reading some stuff on Matri and the consensus seems to be that he is
EMERGENCY TANGENT: ONOZ! When in the name of all that is holy did Ceskipoo start wearing a headband? AAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Um, so Matri is the center striker. He's better than the others in the middle and he's really the only one who is strong enough to body against defenders and hold up play. Except Looooca, of course, but Loooca is looking to
Behold his bird. Because she is not me and I am jealous, it's time to get judgy: too much eyeliner, unflattering shade of lipstick, and can't decide if she wants the hairz tucked in or let out. Humph.
He's been a Zebe for 10 months now and has yet to take his shirt off.
I am displeased.
Sort of. But then I can always go here here if I want to see his chesticles and what I really need from him, since I have so many hot boyfriends out back in the barracks, is awesome goal-scoring.
I'm tired, Lord. Can you get this Lucio fellow offa me?
He had a brilliant chance, which the Lizard saved....
but then....
Holy crap! Did Mirketto just turn my miss into a goal?
He sure did, bb.
A lovely poach worthy perhaps of Pippo.
Lizard couldn't get there cos he was all turned around after saving Matri's shot.
A goal against Inter at the San Siro! What joy!
There were a few half-hearted calls for offside, but it was clean and it counted.
My my, Andrea. That's some wicked wedgie. Wait for the cameras to follow Mirko away, then pick your underpants out of there, mkay?
Andrea: I am so uncomfortable right now!
Also: what the fuck is Simone doing back there?
I mean it. What is he doing? Anyone?
So happy Mirko pranced around for a while.
OK. Now he looks like he spent the morning eating pot-laced brownies.
Oh shit. I'm completely lost. There's no way I can put these in order.
Yeah. So here's some of Mirko running around more or less by himself.
Obi: *farmer blow of disdain*
And here's some happy sideline glomping.
Ohai Quaggie!
Paolino! Sweetie!
No, ADP is not in that scrum. No really. I checked and double-checked. I even looked at the shoes.
Oh, frak. I was going to get to that later, but we might as well do it now.
So Alessa came on as a late sub. See how he twitches. with. enthusiasm.
That, ny dears, is a man who wants to captain his squadra to a victory over Inter but who instead gets to come on as a sub as some sort of consolation prize.
He wanted it. Bad.
BAD.
He tried the usual drawing-a-foul-and-hoping-for-a-free-lick-in-an-excellent-position strategy. Oops. I meant "free kick."
He also tried staying on his feet and going for it.
But you can't always get what you want by determination alone.....
......and he missed a fucking sitter.
It was not to be. I think he's still pouting. Let me check.
BRB
Yeah, he's still pretty upset. Let's give it a little time.
And then effing Maicon showed up of course because that's the way he roll, and the score was
But you know what? Effing Claudio showed up too of course because when Juve plays Inter, that's the way he roll. Darn tootin'!
He's been Juventino all his life and there's nothing better than getting the go-ahead goal against Inter at the San Siro.
That doesn't seem physiologically efficient to me, but I'm certainly no expert.
Plus, who cares?
It went in.
Lucio: God damn. Not again!
And lo there was much rejoicing (except for the racial slurs and Heysel cracks, for which both teams were severely punished by paltry fines that show the world that the FIGC means business).
That face! &hearts
Claudio running alone.
Claudio running with the BUM!
I love how the photos make it look like he ran this way and that.
This way. And that way.
Claudio enjoying the admiration of his peers.
And also the admiration of Il Mister.
Captain Futuro:
It all finished with Claudio ostentatiously kissing the badge.
I'm not complaining. In fact, I appreciate the gesture. Generally, when a player starts kissing the shirt, it's because he's on the outs with the club and is trying to suck up to the tifosi
&hearts
Then there was a miserable second half that had Juventini biting their nails and wondering how the boyz were going to manage to choke, but it all worked out in the end.
The defenders released years of pent-up sexual frustration and set about shagging each other savagely.
nngh
When they were finished with each other, they went off to shag everybody else
No need to notice Mr. Underlayers and his Grim Face of Elation.
Um, getting lost again.
I would apologize if any of these are duplicates, except that they're wonderful duplicates.
Linesman Eyebags is over this. He just wants to get back to the dressing room so the bag man can give him his pay-off. Just kidding, of course. As far as you know.
One unhappy second striker gave his jersey to a lucky Inter player and tried to skulk off into the dressing room. He didn't make it very far before Il Mister insisted on congratulating Our Lugubrious Hero, that bastard.
Gigi tried to cheer him up too, but Alessa was resolved not to let his personal bummitude put a damper on the well-deserved jubilation of the group, and he eventually slipped quietly away. *sniffle*
Everyone else, on the other hand, was quite happy.
I really have no idea where in the sequence these go, so BLEAAAAGGH! I spew them out wherever.
Oh come on. Have you never heard of puke and rally? This is a good thing. Where on earth did you go to university anyway?
Finally, the boyz saluted the tifosi with the customary Big Jump.
LOL Andrea!
LOLOLOLOL Leo!
You know what's weird? A coach ought to look really out of place in the middle of this kind of thing.
Conte looks like he's exactly where he belongs.
Next match is November 20, home, to the Pinks, after the International break, from which no one will return with grievous injuries.
This post powered by canine excretions, which I now must go clean up.
Also? I'm pretty sure this will crash if I try to spellcheck, so sorry about the illiteracy.
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