OK, then, let's get in the way-back machine and head back to December. Let's join the boys in training, shall we?
I was going to say that maybe I can back off Defcom Golf because I could look at Pepe without wanting to punch him, but now I see that he's twiddling his facial hair like a cartoon villain. Safety first. We remain at Defcom Golf.
Pirlo, awake, relaxed, and not posing.
Arturo: Go aWAY, man.
Huh? Did the ball explode on the way to the goal or something?
Michele! I never once noticed you until you signed this summer. Now I can't get enough of you even though you play so little I have no sense of whether you are any good or not. I'm not sure why, either.
Glad to see you pal.
Oooooooh. Paolino has impressive quads. He's a mountain boy, so he's fine wearing short shorts in the winter, bless him.
Love!
Yeah, well, this one is from a different day, but how else are we going to get any PDC? Hm?
Leo trains too, I guess, tho occasionally you might think not if all you saw was his match performance. You're not finished cooking yet, sweetie. You need some consistency. And a wee hit of hair on your head.
I'm no expert, but I think this bottle pron falls a bit short. Something is missing. The ears are nice and pink. nom nom
Elia.
I want to believe. I really do.
*sigh*
Milos. *sigh* He's like the relative you don't talk about because it upsets Mom, but some of you keep in touch and slip him a little cash once in a while.
He's trying to get it together, but no one's ready to invite him over for Christmas dinner. Yet.
*sex*
I wonder if this is when he thought up the surfing push-ups?
She's kind of cute. You think she'll go out with me?
Shhhhhhh. Working very hard. Do not distract him.
Esti
Jack
Marcostorari
Brazilian Primavera Gabriel Appelt, supposedly a big up-and-comer.
Grosso. Still here.
This little Derdiyok lookalike is Carlos Garcia, Swedish baby and new Primavera. I want to like him, but after Zlatan, I find it hard to trust Swedes.
Marco Motta. It's weird that there seem to be no transfer rumors about him at all.
Maybe he's not newsworthy enough to generate rumors.
Maybe no one wants him. That's sad. I mean, he sucks, but he's lovable.
Aaaaaaand, now he's showing tongue while concentrating on Alessa's ass. Next!
Oh, Loooca. I love your goofy faces and your hairy knees.
Is that a Lotto logo? Is that the best shoe endorsement you can get?
Green-Eyed Gorilla of Love
Manninger! squeee
Manninger!'s pink-cheeked happy face.
Manninger!'s pink-cheeked serious face.
Manninger! with Gigi, infant Croatian goalkeeper Simon Sluga, and his infant Croatian tongue, showing some real potential there.
The only bb goalkeeper I want to see in stripes is Carlo Pinsoglio. Every other one is a potential competitor and I am constitutionally dubious. If I let him in, there may be no room for Carlo.
Plus, do we really want non-Italian youngsters learning at the knee of Gigi Buffon? We wouldn't want hi to take Gigi's secrets and then use them to kick Azzurri ass, now would we? I know that rests on the assumption that some Azzurri striker, somewhere, will someday get a shot on goal, but it could happen.
And again with the Luca Marrone. Jumping over stuff, and keeping his arms in so he can't use them to help with balance. I'll be he's got some abs under there.
Alas, the zebes tend to keep their shirts on in December.
And this one is Stefano someone. Stefano.....BRB Stefano Beltrame, another Primavera.
And there is exactly one sad, blurry little shot of Vincenzo Iaquinta. *sniffle*
Also in December, there were zebras roaming around signing stuff.
And then everyone got about 2 hours to kiss their children and have a brief conjugal visit and then it was off to Dubai and Saudi Arabia for winter camp. This is what Juventus.com wants you to see about the trip to Dubai and Saudi Arabia.
1. This is the man we call "Sleepy"?
2. Someone's been spending too much time at Grosso's house. It's OK to let your tan fade a little in the winter. We'll still love you if you get a little pale.
3. See the haircut? Nice job. Short, but the scary ears are properly covered and the loveliness of the waves and highlights are preserved.
Luggage! How exciting. They're all labeled with code so you can't even say "PAZIENZA'S DUFFEL BAG OMG."
Speaking of Pazienza.... Well at least he was invited to go on the trip. Marcolino, Grosso, Vince, and Loooca stayed home. I suppose I need not mention that non-person Amauri also stayed home.
Then again, some people didn't have to be invited to show up. You know what I think? I think he's lurking around to chat with ADP about playing in the Middle East, which is upsetting to even think about. Plus, he's dressed like the building maintenance guys at my office. The only thing missing is a name patch that says "Douchebag." Whatever you may think of him, he sure does have a beautiful smile. Oh, OK, don't mind me. I'm still angry about 2009-10. I may someday get over it (a scudetto or Euro championship would help).
World Champions one and all. BRB *goes off to have warm and fuzzy thoughts about 2006*
waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh! They're all getting older and it won't be long before they will all be out of the game and our new heros will end up being guys like Bobo Acquafresca and nothing will ever be the saaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmme! *wails*
I need to move on.
Ants. Photos of ants dull the senses.
Ah. So that's what this tour is all about. The sponsors. It is, you know. Remember how after last year's trip to the panettone factory I was griping that The Italian Store carried no Balocco products and they must be anti-Zebe and blah blah blah? Well look what's on the shelves now:
If I hadn't been overwhelmed already by my haul of booty, I seriously would have bought some, even those are just sugar wafers....
....with less (probably) artificial coloring and a hazelnut option unheard of around here, and I really don't like them very much, and the Balocco ones are bite-sized which means I'd have to eat the whole bag at once and then I'd undoubtedly be sick. It's only now that I realized that the whole reason Balocco pays money to put its name on Zebra shirts is so bozos like me will see the product, associate it with the squad, and buy it. I mean, I knew that, but now I get it. I have felt the power of advertising pushing me to buy something I wouldn't think of buying otherwise. Duh, Bunny. That's what advertising is. So then I thought I'd just boycott them, but that seemed stupid because (1) I've only ever seen the product one time in my life and (2) I could unintentionally end up buying a product that indirectly supports Inter or something. Consumption is so political!
But I was talking about football, wasn't I?
Juventus wants you to know that its photographers are genuine artistes.
Well if that ain't art then I don't know what is.
Here's our young Dutch Lost Boy.
More art.
5 points if you know who the guy on the left is.
Art.
Art.
Art. Art. Art.
Minus 5 points if you admit you know who that one is.
Our principino is prettier than your principino.
I don't get those of you who insist that Claudio's eyes show no soul.
A BUM crotch shot.
Prince-Désir Gouano, teenaged French defender from the Primavera, tagging along with the grown-ups (and Pepe). I KNOW! I may have to rethink my inflexible prejudice against French men.
BAM! Good Lord. Is he doing this on purpose or does it just happen naturally?
BAM!
Hey, Michele. I know you never play, but don't leave, OK?
Hello there, thigh vein, my old friend.
Why does he never take his shirt off?
UNDERLAYERS!
Luca Marrone.
Höður Björgvin Magnússon, our little Icelandic ray of sunshine.
Awwww, relax, sweetie. It's football. No one is asking you to solve any quadratic equations or calculate the cosine of anything.
Um. Er *awkward pat*
UNDERLAYERS!!!!!
*shakes fist at the sky*
Is there some sort of award or prize we can give to that lock of Gigi's hair that falls into his eyes and across his nose oh-so-sexily? Outstanding Service to Fangirls? Best Performance by Hair in the Category of Not Really Trying?
I love him. I really do.
Frederik Sørensen. Check it. That's the BUM back there. Lichtsteiner is paler than the giant blond Dane.
Gossip is that the suits are selling half of him so he can go somewhere and actually play. That would be a good idea, I guess, so long as he's still ours. Sell half of to some team with no money so we can be sure to get him when the co-ownership is over.
Yay! Michele again.
Oh, Leo, why dontcha let your hair grow about a half-inch or so?
Another one who steers with his fingers.
Aw, Gio looks like he's got s monster headache. *pat pat*
Whining during training. Nice.
Headache must be gone. What a smile. *le sigh*
Fuck me. WANT.
Never mind. I'll never have sex again.
aaaaaaand now it's night.
Monsters come to life in the dark. (Ew. That pink mark on his left knee looks like a gruesome surgery scar.)
A lady does not stomp around the pitch like a water buffalo. A lady glides. See? Gliiiiiiiiiiiide. Now you try.
Barza: Not a lady and does not want to learn to glide.
Claudio has the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away with mind bullets. That's telekinesis, Kyle.
I'm dying to know what Claudio is up to back there. He's got his hands in the evil villain position......
Jumping.
Um, I think I felt a little twinge, but it's gone. All I can see now is George Michael post-Wham! and pre-men's room.
And so at some point they left winter camp in Dubai and flew to Saudi Arabia. They would have flown right? I'm pretty ignorant about the non-America part of the world. They look pretty close to each other on the globe, but I'll go out on a limb here and guess it's not a matter of taking the ferry across the river.
Whatever. There there behind the giant blond Danish cellphone holder is a bus. Maybe they just took the bus. That would explain why PDC looks like he just spent three days on a bus.
If you've just spent three days on a bus, you can hide your puffy face and red eyes with a hot pair of shades.
I guess Milos rode underneath with the luggage. He's looking reeeeeeally disoriented.
Hold the fucking phone. Is Leo wearing dayglo sunglasses? Only someone too young to remember the 80s could possibly think that's OK. Let's see. Leonardo Bonucci, born in Viterbo, Italy on May 1, 1987. In 1987, Dirtbunny was......shit. Never mind.
Werk it Claudio.
I am going to have to have Corey Hart Del Piero take me shopping for sunglasses when he comes home. And not at Target either.
These sorts of things always come with pressers. And today's zebra spokesmodel is.....
Well, Conte. Duh. Anyone else?
Chiello! Squee!
He's trying so hard to seem interested and engaged. I can't imagine what it must be like to have one full time job that involves a lot of sweating and sunburn and a second full time job that involves plastering a smile on my face and going out to talk about my first job and see, you know, people (ugh), half of whom want to tell me I suck or ask me questions about Gigi.
Or pose with someone else's jersey. Poor bastard. *pat pat pat*
I know the company owns him and he can't just bail and spend the weekend at his Mama's, but could they at least let him go back to the hotel so he can read Jane Austen on his Kindle?
And of course there were the photo ops with local bigwigs. Don't know who they are. Don't care either.
How can Ale write with a ring on his little finger?
I bet Milos' agent told him to be extra-nice so he could maybe get a contract. Why doesn't his agent educate him about the hair?
Gigi can sorta understand some of this, but he doesn't see much value in keeping women at home when they could all be walking around half-naked everywhere.
One of these people is much happier to be in the picture than the other. *coff coff*
One of the big events was a friendly against Al-Hilal that also happened to be a testimonial match for Mohamed Al-Deayea, legendary Saudi goalkeeper. He has 181 international caps.
There's that pesky number "29' again. And I see we're in love with the same guy. And someone misses Nedved! Clearly, he's actually been watching the matches over the lsat few years.
*bursts into tears* I love them so much!
AIEEEEE! My eyes! Banner!Ale has been eating some of that strange ice cream Cheryl keeps talking about. Also, he's either a Cardassian or he has some disgusting parasitic infection in his face. BTW, I hope you've all noticed that there are no women in the stands. *disapproves*
Gigi is shaking hands with a giant goofy smile and gloves off. He's in love.
And I think that brings us all up to date, zebra-wise, unless something happened in the last 2 hours. BRB Um, Nope!
Next match is Sunday at home to the mighty mighty Sardines.
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