Old Lady Post: Lost Boys of Juventus

In which Simone Loria graduates from pathetic joke to Dirtbunny's Enemies List.

It has become dead obvious that Conte cares much more about winning not losing than he does about squad rotation.  While this approach has worked wonders for the Zebes' position in the table, it also means that we rarely get a glimpse of anyone on the B team.  I don't know about you, but I've been missing certain senior citizens, babies, invalids, and outcasts.  Let's take a peek at what they've been doing,

Let's get one thing straight right from the beginning. Amauri no longer qualifies as a mere "outcast." As the squad photo confirms, #38 does not exist. This means Amauri is demoted to "non-person."  #2, #6, #20, and #9 are there, so how much out of favor do you have to be to not be allowed in the squad photo?

Lost Boy # 10:

Alessandro Del Piero: captain, World Champion, Legend, Dirtbunny's Boyfriend

In this his last year in stripes, one might hope to see him more than as a sub in the last few minutes of garbage time.  Every time he starts to warm up, the stadium goes crazy, and when he's on the pitch, he makes an instant difference.  Unfortunately, he is not scoring goals and the other strikers on the squad are.  Bummer.

Lost Boy # 33

Frederick Sorensen, code name Iceman:  Blond, Giant, Dane, Teenage Menace to Strikers who like to come in from the wings.

Also, hello Bobo.

How I miss him.  However, there are two very good reasons why he is not playing this year.  One:  We have a right back this year.  Two:  We have Barzagli, Bonucci, and Chiellini ahead of him in the pecking order.

He's a defender for the future.  He's even getting experience with the Zorro mask, which tells me he's too brave to duck.   All I have to say to the suits is DON'T YOU FUCKING SELL HIM!!

Lost Boy # 30

Marco Storari, World's Best #2 Keeper:  Monster, Nice Guy, Squad Favorite, Team Barber, and World Champion Grower of Hair

Juve is lucky to have him.  He really should be starting, at least if not for Gigi.  After Gigi, he's as good as any starting keeper in Serie A.  Why he's decided to stay and ride the bench is beyond me, but I'll take it.  Suits:  Pay him well so he stays.

Lost Boy #18

Fabio Quagliarella:  Recovering Invalid, Forgiven Skeeve, Master of Goals that Shouldn't Go In

Luckily for Quags, Mirko has been injured and Conte has been practically forced to give him substantial minutes to fill in.  Quags has risen to the occasion and actually produced a goal recently.  I expect him to feature more prominently in the ritorno and if he does, he'll lose his Lost Boy status.

Lost Boy # 34

Luca Marrone:  Promising Youngster, Azzurrini, Victim of Italian Anti-Baby Policy

Also:  Diego Perez, you're on probation.  I've got my eye on you, pal, and not for the usual reasons.

Yeah, now I wouldn't play him much either, but that because Juve has too many good strikers and plenty of serviceable ones as well, not because of any shortcoming on his part.  On loan to Siena last year and possibly should go on loan again if he ever wants to play.  Except in the Coppa, of course.

Lost Boy # 11

Paolo De Ceglie:  Cutie, Terrible Actor, Underperforming Left Back

He was looking sooooooo good last season before he broke his kneecap on Daniele Bonera.  I don't think he's lost it, exactly, especially going forward, but he needs playing time to build his confidence and work on his timing.  As long as Conte puts winning not losing first, he's not getting the time.

Can't we get him a mentor or something?

At least his hair is in top form.

Lost Boy # 27

Milos Krasic:  Slow Learner, Thumbsucker, Disappointment

This one arrived in 2009 with much fanfare and it all started out fairly promisingly.  He even got a hat trick, once.  However, he's a one-trick pony.  It took about five minutes for the skilled defenders (and the unskilled but brutish defenders) to figure out his one move (run hard and fast up the right flank and cross the ball in) and develop a strategy for containing it (put two guys on him and herd him up to the goal line so he can't make his cross).

Milos has trouble adapting.  It's obvious on the pitch, and it was obvious during the Juve Christmas video when he had trouble saying "buon Natale," which shows how little Italian he has learned since August 2009.  It's time for Milos to go.  May he have good luck elsewhere.

Lost Boy # 17

Elerjo Elia:  Mouthy, Arrogant, Dutch, Alleged Phenom

Hmph.  He turned me off during the summer mercato when he said that Juventus wasn't big enough for him.  He can win me over on the pitch, but the fact that Conte hasn't much put him on the pitch, well, that tells me he doesn't belong on the pitch.  I've got a bad impression of him, but am reserving judgment.  For now.

Some Lost Boys get an occasional taste of the pitch, but are so unloved that they only appear in match photos of someone else.

Lost Boy # 5

Michele Pazienza: Forgotten Midfielder, Not as Tiny as He Looks

He's a passionate man.  Jackerini looks like he can feel Pazienza's boner through Claudio.  Hey, it's plausible!  Claudio is terribly thin, you know.

He trains, so there are training photos.

This one's a two-fer.  You get Michele in full-on bitchy mode, and you get Pirlo laughing at the drama.

Lost Boy # 20

Luca Toni:  World Champion, Lummox, Green-Eyed Gorilla of Love

He did a respectable job shoring up the front during last winter's injury crisis, but I don't think Loooca has even made the bench this season.   I love him, and I hope he stays.

Loooca fall down go boom.  &hearts

Lost Boy # 2

Marco Motta: Official Hairdo Beta Tester, Such a Crappy Right Back that Even Of Blacks Played an 18-year old Center Back in His Place.

Oh Marcolino.  It was so much fun in the beginning, but in the end, we just aren't right for each other.  I'll always love you, but I want to pack up your stuff and move out.

Lost Boy # 6

Fabio Grosso:  Tanmeister, World Champion (really!), Vampire.

When you were on the World Cup 2006 squad, born after 1975, and not retired from international play, and even Marcello Lippi drops you from his 2010 World Cup Squad of Fail, well, what else do you need to know?  But thanks for the 2006 stuff.

BOTTLE PRON!

Lost Boy # 9

Vincenzo Iaquinta:  Scowler, World Champion, D&G Underwear Model, Unwelcome Visitor to Dirtbunny's Sex Dreams

Oh Vince.

Oh what might have been if he weren't injured all the goddamn time!  I mean, seriously.  You spend more time with the medics than Nesta or Thiago Motta.

I'm too sick (among other things) to play football in Serie A, and they haven't put me on the squad.  If you don't show up for work, eventually the boss is going to let you go. Foto Fail:  That strap around his belly is a heart-rate monitor.  It is worn around the chest, not over the belly button.  That means that immediately after this was taken, Vince lifted his shirt a lot more and scootched the monitor to its proper location.  Where are the photos of that, hm? I close with some photos of babies who sometimes train with the bigs, but aren't on the first team roster.  They don't qualify as Lost Boys, but if any of them breaks out someday, it might be helpful to have heard of them. Federico Gagliardini, Berretti keeper.  His hair is ready for the big time already. Hordur Magnusson, Primavera mid from Iceland.  He's blonder than Sorensen, if that's possible. I really need to figure out how to use diacritical marks on the Mac. Gabriel Appelt, Brazilian hottie, Primavera midfielder.  He's got a facebook page......*dangles link teasingly* By the way:  I didn't see the Coppa match against Bologna, which is where the match photos in this post come from, and I was too lazy to look it up, but I gather that Juventus advanced to the next round.