Juventus 1:0 Inter
Are you serious? Raise your hand if you thought that beating Inter was even possible. *looks around* That's what I thought. I suppose we Juventini have gotten so used to playing without real forwards and a real left back for so long that we lost sight of what our boys can do.
"Our boys." SNORT! Of the eleven starters yesterday, only four of them were regular starters last season. Maybe if you either sell or bench everyone who sucks and go out and get all new players who are better, the team will achieve better results. Who knew?
pagelle
People, the stars were out in Turin. In addition to the usual Agnelli, Nedved, and Marotta, we had Nonna Agnelli. We had Alena. We had Bedy. We had Giampiero Boniperti...
...we had Little Boniperti (who actually is a little bigger than I thought), and we had Lapo.
Here's our favorite Man!skank flirting with some big cheese at Fiat, Sergio Marchionne, who is not Lapo's uncle or anything. You know I had to check.
And here he is flirting with some Woman!skank. (Nothing personal, but if she wasn't drugged and kidnapped, but chose to accompany Mr. Icky of her own free will, then there has to be something wrong with her.) And also (are you ready to squee?)....
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! *bounces up and down*
Speaking of squee, Juventus was lucky enough to start the best goalkeeper in the world, Gigi Buffon:
He didn't have a lot to do, because Inter didn't have a lot of good opportunities, because studly zebra defenders are studly. This was a good chance, NAY!, a great chance......
....but Sammy decided to hit the post instead of putting it in. Thank God. BTW, see the little guy in the red circle?
That's Milos, "tracking back" by standing still with his hands on his hips. I'm sure he's grateful that Of Blacks is on the other side of the pitch and couldn't yell at him as easily.
None of this is to say that Gigi had nothing to do. It was Inter, after all. He had one or two saves to make. *looks it up* OK, three.
Hee! Sammy looks like an SM-type spazz, which he isn't.
Unlike Crouchie, Gigi has figured out a way to incorporate The Robot into his on-pitch performance.
Not everything was bright and beautiful. As we all know, some of the tifosi are dicks. I didn't hear any racist bullshit and wouldn't have recognized it anyway if it was in Italian, but I heard the fireworks quite clearly. The booms upset my timid dog greatly, as well as producing a large amount of smoke...
...that drifted over to Gigi's area and made him do this:
Um, my name is Gigi and I like sports, boobs, bald Napolitani, and breakfast cereal. Turnoffs are losing, smokers, and fat chicks.
Please don't kill the keeper, mkay?
New Guy and World Champion Andrea Barzagli started in front of Gigi. I can't believe Wolfsburg got rid of him for only 300,000 euros. What schmucks!
Raise your hand if you're surprised that Pazzo's boots smell bad.
I think Barza is better than Legrottaglie.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Yummy. I think I may have another new boyfriend. Crap. I'm running out of room. I'm going to have to build a
This one, however, gets his own room in the main house.
Leo was en fuego.
Nnnnnngggghhh! Since Inter failed to score, perhaps you can guess that despite the unsportsmanlike pushing and shoving being committed by
He gave Sammy a workout. Unfortunately, I think what we see here is that Sammy has eked out his pass before Leo got there. No matter. Bygones!
There's more. Leo fought with Princess Pazzo all day.
Go away Vincenzo.
Uh, Leo kept Pazzo pretty quiet.
You know something? As a pure matter of fashion, I greatly prefer the black shorts with the stripes. However, junk shows up way better in the white shorts.
Ooh boy. I have two things to say here: (1) This is only further proof that compression shorts are evil. (2) I know exactly which part of that adductor I'm going to nibble.
Despite the fragility and the long curly eyelashes, Pazzo is a brute.
Hmph. An insincere apology.
Sorensen started as right back because even though he's not a right back and has some serious learning to do, he's way better than any of the other options. Sorry Marcolino, but it's true.
I love Grygera, but he's terrible. Sorensen isn't always in the right place at the right time, but he shows promise. Me likey.
I also get a charge out of imagining how threatened Bendtner and Poulsen would be if they had half a brain between them, which they don't.
BUY HIM! BUY HIM NOW!
Plus, whenever he makes his silly "going up for a header" face, I just want to pinch his rosy cheeks.
Yeah, Sammy can take him now, but Sammy's getting older and Sorensen isn't. Um, wait......
ZOMG Dirtbunny! You've described three of the back four and you haven't mentioned Gio yet. Naturally Not Ciro started Grosso because PDC and Traore are broken. Did he actually sit Gio for such an important match? How could he?
Not to worry my dears. LDN is not stupid enough to leave Juventus' baddest BAMF on the bench.
unf. Is it wrong of me to make him share a room with Leo? I know he deserves his own room, but it's getting really fucking crowded.
Sammy's not so much with the big pretty smile now, is he?
Our boy is not above going for the gold when he needs to.
He'll go there. He will.
But he doesn't always. Only when he needs to.
OK, so if Leo and Barza were in the middle, where the fuck was Gio?
Gio was the new and improved left back.
What an improvement. Dude was everywhere. He can bring the ball up and he can cross 10 times better than Grosso, and he defends about 40 times better than Grosso. There has been talk about maybe playing him at left back until PDC comes back, whenever the hell that may be. Wasn't he coming back in February? It's February.
I love Gio to death, but I worry about him breaking from overuse.
BTW? Just so you know. Pupi is also a vicious brute. Meanie.
Oh my. I imagine this was meant to be a celebratory chest bump.
Does it not look like they're dry humping each other in the air? Yeah, I don't think they'd mind sharing a room, if it came to that.
That was the glorious back four that defended so superbly against the unstoppable Sammy. Oh, and Pazzo. It sure would be great if that was how it's going to be from now on.
Because he is awesome, Claudio started out of position on the left wing again.
As usual, he kicked serious ass. Between him and Gio, Maicon didn't get very far, at least not enough to get another one of those goals like he did against Juve last season. But perhaps it's best not to stir up those memories.
The Marchisio photo drought continues, sadly.
Melo started in his usual defensive murdering midfielder position.
And he was? Awesome. No cards.
Eyebrow! Hee
When did he start doing that?
GO AWAY
He took a fair amount of abuse from Sex Machine. Is this a foul or what? I mean really.
This one looks pretty much the same but it is actually an entirely different incident. SM ended up with a card, finally, but not until the 90th minute. I was a little disappointed. In the past, SM has tended to lose his fucking mind and get into fights with people when he plays against Juve. I was kind of hoping to see Gigi beat him up. Oh well. There's always next year.
Oh yeah, Melo.
hm
Sorry. I got nothing.
He had his usual solid game. He's quite the dependable player and Juve is fortunate to have him.
mmmmm Tongue. What Would Jesus Think?
LDN took Melo out in the 74th for Momo, because it apparently is impossible to play a game without Momo.
Momo is no substitute for Melo, that's for sure. Oh, and he got carded. Of course. And he's reached the limit so he's suspended for the next match. Boo hoo so sad.
Fresh from his long-awaited (and for a while suspected never to come) return to the Azzurri, Albertino and his silly faces started in his usual slot next to Melo.
I see that he too steers with his fingers. Do you think they are taught to hold their hands that way when they're small so they learn not to use them more easily?
Albertino spent a lot of time with the Frog. Let's see. Frog's shin guards say R.....A.....N.....
His face says he has no fucking idea what he's doing and expects something dire to happen at every moment.
That's not he actually plays, of course, but jeez.
Albertino: *worry worry*
*fret fret*
*onoz onoz onoz*
There was some sort of super-fancy bicycle kick that impressed the shit out of Wesley, but which I don't remember at all and which resulted in nothing.
Don't worry, Albertino fangirls. I know you love him and I'm not going to deprive you of a single photo....
...no matter how dreadful.
Milos started on the right. He did well, but isn't as bright and shiny as he was earlier in the season. He still draws the double team and that's good whatever else happens because Juve has strikers who can finish now.
Cuchu believes he can fly!
He's working on a new swan-themed number for his revue, and he tries to get in stolen moments of practice whenever he can.
I dunno, man. I'd really like to see some of those crazy runs again.
You'd think someone with his speed could get around Zanetti.
*sigh* Zanetti is Zanetti. Most days, he can still drive his staff into the bridge and bellow YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!!!!!
Sometimes when he runs, Milos's hair looks almost presentable.
Please, Vince. Go away.
It doesn't last. The presentable hair, I mean.
There are a zillion photos of Milosw, but I'm sick of him. Let's move on.
LOOOOCA!!!!! &hearts
He didn't play with his usual grace, sad to say.
Don't care. Love him.
Love!
TANGENT: Mr. D is watching Milan-Spurs on the DVR and whenever something good happens, I make him rewind so I can see. Flamini has just earned a yellow for a two-footed challenge on Corluka, and there have been some handbags. At the end of it all, Flamini stomps away and---I am pleased and proud to report--says Vaffanculo. That's the second time I've lip-read a cuss word in Italian. My father would be so proud!
A couple of matches ago, there was a play where someone passed the ball to Loooca on the edge of the box. He did a little turn and noodled around just a bit until someone could make a run up the left, and then he passed it off. Successfully. I thought Damn! Amauri could never do that properly. I wouldn't trust Loooca to handle the ball for any distance or any length of time, but he can hold onto it for a little bit while the play develops. It's a small thing, but something very important that Juve hasn't had in a long time.
Pazzo has no upper lip. None.
So anyway, for now I can forgive Loooca for not producing every match. No one ever really expected that he could anymore, and even so he's an improvement.
Loooca came off in the 65th minute for the always moody, always broken Vincenzo Iaquinta.
Vincenzo. Yeah.
Proof of Pepe, who came on for Claudio.
So the thing about Vincenzo is....well, I was at a party with my date DDR (? I know) and DDR made a little suggestion so I talked to Vince and, well, Vince ended up going home with us for some, um, alone time. However, when we were in the limo (I have a fabulous imaginary life), Vincenzo took a good look at DDR, who was staring broodily out the window--pointedly avoiding eye contact--and then Vince shot me a look that told me that he was just starting to understand what the, um, possibilities were and and was wondering exactly what was, um, expected of him with regard to DDR. I don't know what happened next, but ever since then, things have been a little weird between me and Vincenzo and I find him popping into my consciousness at inconvenient times. They don't call it a devil's threesome for nothing.
This is making it a little difficult to talk about him right now.
I hope things eventually go back to normal.
Ahem.
So who's the prettiest little zebra in the whole wide world?
MATRI (please infer the hearts and flowers on your end)
What an odd player. He's not really a center striker, but he doesn't really play like a second striker either.
Whatever. He knows how to put the ball in the hole, and that is what matters.
Frog could barely contain him.
mmmmmm, FROGGIE
Please consult with one of us before your next haircut, bb.
R....A....N....A. Rana. Isn't that a queen in India? *looks it up* ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Frog. Now I get it. You know, if you're not in on it from the beginning, it can be a little difficult to figure things out and some people feel foolish asking questions.
Frog was largely successful, because he's really good.
Accordingly, Matri had some fail.
He fails quite prettily.
Woah. Robert Downey Jr.
Oh good. Back to the pretty teeth he's known for.
He's good in the air and good on the ground. He can handle the ball and he's good at finding space.
And he wears Adidas boots like the
He doesn't seem very breakable either.
He doesn't wax his legs! &hearts
So, it's time for the goal.
This isn't it, I don't think.
But this is. Krasic fed a nice pass to Sorensen, who crossed it in just right, and Matri headed it in past a horrified and powerless Frog.
Oh, Froggie. It's just a goal. Don't cry.
Matri's body language here is just beautiful. Deliberate and controlled. Loooca, on the other hand.....
....well Loooca just doesn't have a poker face.
Lovely. Oh. BTW, these and all the other large photos are from
Gigi was pleased at the goal.
So was Albertino. Wes? Not so much.
And so the prancing, with a little tongue.
Loooca: yay!
Loooca ruffles the hairz and, ok, does anyone know what that gesture Matri is making is supposed to mean? I hate it, but I could change my mind depending on what it "says."
Loooca: Hold me?
I want to slap him. *goes off and makes an icon instead*
Milos reacted with his usual display of joy. *eyeroll*
Elsewhere, the rest of the team was going mental. We're up on Inter, y'all!
At some point after that, Matri began complaining of pain the ribs. I didn't see whether he got a knock, but he really really wanted to come out. Instead, Of Blacks used his last two subs to take off Melo and Claudio, who both had little niggling things, so Matri had his torso wrapped in that blue compression stuff and he soldiered on to the end. It turns out to be nothing serious.
When it was all over, Gigi showed his affection and respect by taking off a glove and making nice with JZ. Not love, though. When Gigi really loves you, he takes off both gloves.
I think Zanetti was hoping for a little more. He looks like a romance heroine leaning in and presenting herself for a passionate kiss.
No dice, pal. He likes you, and rather a lot I imagine, but he doesn't like you like you.
The King waves to his fans.
There's a touchline convention so LDN can find someone who will love him. Hm. New Guy's turn.
Albertino: Yeah, yeah. Hi five.
And then there was a big jump, which was Alessa's only chance to get off the bench. I'm sure he wanted to play, but he's damn glad to have beat Inter. Also, over on the far left, please notice that Leo is wearing his kit. This becomes important later.
No comment.
Milos is almost smiling. Ish. The zebes are full of champion smilers. Can't someone coach him?
This win moves Juventus up to 6th in the table. Champions League is still possible.
Of course now it's time to drop a bunch of points to teams in the bottom half of the table, cos that's how we do.
And at the very very end of my broadcast, as most of the boys were waving to the curva, from the left came a streak of white that turned out to be, *gulp*, Leonardo Bonucci in his underpants. I have no idea when he ditched the kit, but he did. Lordy lordy. Roman psychos.
I think about dick all the time, which makes me an expert, and I can confidently report that That Boy Has Him Some Large Cajones. Football players in underpants. If you're interested in this sort of thing, pay a little visit over here. Just don't forget to come back.
If you can tear your eyes away from Leo, you might notice how Claudio and Alessa are both just fucking beautiful.
That's that. Next match is away at Lecce for the lunchtime match on Sunday. Lecce is a whopping two points above the drop zone, so you know what that means. Steel yourselves for a big choke.
No comments:
Post a Comment