Old Lady Post: Wet Zebras and UEFA Draws

ORIGINALLY POSTED ON AUGUST 6, 2010

Well, then.  That's done.  Whew.   In a match in which the ball spent a lot of time skidding around in the mud and coming to a stand-still in puddles, Juventus managed to eke out a 1-0 result against Shamrock Rovers in the "home" leg in Modena.  Juve advance to the play-off round against SK Sturn Graz of Austria on  August 19 and 26.

In other UEFA draw news, Palermo meets NK Maribor of Slovenia, and Napoli meets IF Elfsborg of Sweden in Europa League, also on August 19 and 26.

Sampdoria meets Werder Bremen in the Champions League play-off round on August 17/18 and August 24/25.




what Bianconeri see when they have nightmares



You've all probably heard the good news/bad news about Giovinco, is that the stuppid, stuppid zebra suits have loaned him to Parma for the whole season.  Good news for him, because he'll presumably get to play (Hear that, suits?  HE'LL GET TO PLAY.  *grumbles*  all the broke-ass mids Juve fielded last years and STILL Elf warmed the bench) but bad news for Juventus and its tifosi because we all know what happens to discarded zebra wunderkind.  They hone their craft elsewhere while nuturing a big ole grudge so when they play the zebras, they kick ass painfully and embarassingly.  *rant rant rant*


Where was I?  Oh yeah!  Don't expect much, cos I only saw the last 16 minutes and I'm having technical problems like woah today, but here goes:  HARK! The  Europa League Match Under the Sea:



Um, it was wet.

We begin, of course, with "training" photos.






For some reason, these distance shots of little ants milling around were really popular this week.





"Do you love me yet?  I really want you to love me."

Wow!  Legrottaglie lives!  (Wait, let me go check the spelling on that.  Ha!  Nailed it!)  Odd, isn't it, that Legrottaglie, alive again, is scrimmaging with a giant, powerful, stupid-ass-Zanetti-fouling, red-card-getting Dead Guy.  Oh, plus Diego.  Hey there, Gio.





Marcostorari must be missing Cassano.  *pats him*






Trez making with the Face of Fail even when he's not actually failing at this precise moment in time.




"Aw, man.  Here we go"



"I really don't like being objectified."



"[shit.  since you won't stop until you get what you came for...]  Hi everybody!  Forza Juve!  Don't forget to eat your oranges!"




"I don't mind it if you objectify me.  Come and get it ladies!"




Diego isn't really thinking about the photogs.  In about one second, he's gonna spit, but  there's no spew-pron for those of you who are into that sort of thing.

OK.  Game time.




"Remember that time?  When we said there were going to make wholesale, like, changes and stuff?"
"Yeah, like, we were going to get rid of all the losers and old people?"
"And, like, develop our young players and stuff?"
"Yeah.  Build For The Future."
"Yeah.  That was awesome."
"Fucking with tifosi is fun."
"I love this job."



First of all, Marcostorari.


*crickets chirping*


Yeah, so he got no photog love at all.  'S OK.  He got a clean sheet, so what more can we ask for?






Capitano Gio.  Heading the ball with his face.  Exactly how many times can a person break his nose before his nose is just gone?




OK, so sometimes these rainy matches tell us more about the players' hair than we really want to know.  I know with my head that isn't a comb-over, but my eyes say otherwise.



I'm not really sure the head spray is coming from.  He doesn't really have a lot up there so it can't hold but so much water.  Never mind.  Check out those forearms!   nom nom



Pushing, shoving, blocking, you know, the usual.  &hearts







Leo.  With that magic medical tape.  Look how young!  How energetic!  How much more wonderful he seems without that kit with the chicken on it.




Ew.  I bet his feet got all wrinkly.  *wraps him in a warm robe and puts him in the sunshine*






Don't lie, Martha.  It's Lanza's saggy socks that have you all worked up, right?




I'm telling you.  PDC spent all summer learning how to be a tough guy.  nnnnngh




Um, baby, isn't that a foul?  Like I care.  *chants:  "Blood! Blood! Blood!"*  (Hmm.  Dead Guy.)






I guess enough exposure to water sounds does make you want to pee.




Ahem.  Let's see.  Who else?




*armz, kind of*

Clearly, the ref missed a vicious, nasty foul.  It's lucky Marcolino wasn't crippled for life. 



......aaaaaaand the midfield!


There are lots and lots of Lanzafame roaring around and appearing to be effective and ferocious.


omg--the socksssssssss


I'd like to think he actually was effective and ferocious, but I didn't see the first 74 minutes of the match.





Can you think of anyone from last season who would have bothered with any of this in the rain?






Last week, the photogs hated Claude.  Not so this week:


holymarymotherofgod


Perhaps we all need a moment to compose ourselves. 



Not Ciro.



I think that takes us all too far in the other direction.  Let's try again.





Did I mention it was wet?  You know what that means:  WET WHITE KITS!

Unfortunately, on the wrong guys.  *sigh* 



So. Claude.  Apparently was a beast.


rawr


Believe it or not, Pepe put in 90 minutes, but there are no pictures of him (except  as you'll see below).  Last 16 minutes, remember?  Well, I saw him tearing around all over the place accomplishing nothing, but trying really hard to be cute.  You know what I mean.   Precious little backheels and other trick passes that are only cool if they work.  Honestly.  The boy can't complete a simple pass and he's going to waste our time with a pile of Ronaldo-esque show-off shit?   I think I hate him more this week than I did last week.

And this brings us to the forwards.



Diego.



Coach Not Ciro LDN is playing him as a second striker, which would probably be an excellent place for him if only Juve didn't already have a second striker who may well be the most beloved zebra ever. 





The photos tell the story of a man who put in a lot of effort....



.....but maybe didn't have the best day.




Oh, look.  A brand-new Azzurri.  How delightful.






Really Cesare?  The Azzurri front line needs more of this?




Forearm to the chops, and still no joy.





Trying to run with the ball.  Great.





Wow.  Faux-acrobatic drama-fall.  Oh, and no goal.




All is not lost, because ADP came on at the half for Diego.  You get like I got it:  feed connects at minute 74 and everyone is milling around waiting for ADP to take a free kick from about 35 meters out.





So beautiful.





So, so beautiful.



BRB  *weeping tears of joy*



And then there were the celebrations.  First, a small one.









LOL Leo, pulling out the ole tongue like the big boys.




&hearts&hearts&hearts




Um.  I could use a little clarification here.  What exactly is Marcolino trying to do to ADP?



Choke him?




Mount him?

Mount him AND choke him?  What the hell goes on in the Roma dressing room anyway?








Oh.  Marcolino wants to lick the sweaty rain off ADP's neck.  I get it now.  Good man.




Happy boys.  DAW!





*throws huge honkng tantrum over the techno-fail that is consuming my day*

If you're someone who follows this stuff all the way to Photobucket, beware:  Bunny's album is a fucking mess.  *long shaky breath*




Ahem








And then there was a bigger celebration with much rejoicing and, for the skeptical, proof of Pepe's existence.  That's right, bud.  Keep your distance.


Um, Leo, what exactly did Amauri have to do with any of this?






And after that,  Trez came on for Amauri.   And then it was over and Rover #9 asked to trade jerseys so ADP was temporarily shirtless only with his stupid underlayers still on and then he put on the Rover jersey and freaked everyone out by wandering around waving and smiling while wearing the wrong shirt.



Don't like him in the wrong shirt.  Don't like it one bit.





Let's wrap it up with match highlights.  If you are prone to gol-gasms, then this starts beng NSFW at about 4:05.

*shudder with pleasure*

i don't dare try to spell check.  Hope this is readable.

This post powered by breakfast, lunch, and, eventually, alcohol.  *runs off weeping*