ORIGINALLY POSTED ON JULY 30, 2010
So. On account of the craptastic season that Juventini everywhere would like to forget, the Bianconeri traveled to Dublin this week for the first leg of a
The Hairz were there
I actually found a stream for the first time EVAR! (my friends at the Paleolithic Club are going to be really uncomfortable when they find out). I missed the first 20 minutes or so, and then I fought with an Irish feed that alternated in 30 second cycles of lovely and clear and in English and thirty seconds of dark. The Irish commentators kept expressing their view that Juve is still the awesome powerhouse it used to be, which was amusing. At half time, I switched to a blurry but continuous feed that I assumed was in Spanish and didn't notice until maybe minute 70 that it was in Italian. And on top of that, I was knitting, so take all that into account and don't count on me for journalistic accuracy.
Naturally, the whole thing started with a presser. You might think a media-savvy professional with years and years of presser experience would know how to feign interest when Il Mister is speaking......
.....but you'd be wrong.
Not to worry, though, because when it was Go Time, the Alebot went away so my pretend boyfriend could do what he does best. Well, what he does best when there are other people around besides just the two of us.
BAM! Hellllllooooooo, IRELAND!
So then there was a "training" session where all the guys went out on the pitch and "trained" in front of the cameras. ADP went on auto-pilot, plastered on his public relations half-smile, and went through his routine of trained monkey tricks.
Socks! Hands! The Absence of Doucheboots! *dies*
And there was also either a fake "pitch inspection" or a fake jog around the permieter of the pitch, with our favorite P.R. star out leading the way.
I think Marcolino might be done with the pompadour. *crosses fingers*
Nope. That's walking, not jogging. It's a "pitch inspection." Which I do not understand. If the pitch sucks, are they going to refuse to play? C'mon! Does anyone remember the travesty of grass that Viola started with last season?
If you ever pictured yourself growing old with Gio and wondered what he would look like when he's 70, here's your answer (just imagine grey hair instead of brown):
Match time. Here's your starting eleven:
They can't beat Inter, but at least they can pose better than Inter.
*blows raspberry*
If you scrutinize the starters and call-up sheet carefully and take injuries into account, I think you can guess whose future remains undecided. Word is Mauro, if he goes, wants to go somewhere good, and who could blame him, and maybe his market value goes down if he's cup-tied. For example. Also absent, Giovinco (sob!), Certified Douchebag Zebina, Poulsen (although if he ends up at Liverpool, that's hardly a good thing in this household), Tiago Mendes (*shakes fist*), God's Favorite Brazilian, Grosso, and the incompetent Grygera (*pats him*). And maybe Brazzo, but he's broken all the time so it's hard to tell.
Because Gigi is dead or something and Manninger! is injured, or maybe because he's better than Manninger!, Storari guarded the hole. He done good. I think.
Our boy Gio defended the center with his usual flair and skill.
Look at the teeny stadium! Why, there's hardly enough room for the tifosi to start a fire with match programs and loose seats!
Leo was there. Look, everyone! He rawrs! Excellent.
eek! Claude! What happened to your face?
PDC was our right-back. (I think. I might have that backwards.)
Ooohh! Has anyone seen the movie The Virgin Suicides ? Remember the Josh Hartnett character? That's who PDC has always reminded me of, only I imagine PDC with a much larger cloud of marijuana smoke circling his his sleepy eyes and flowing locks.
Anyhoo, something really weird happened this summer.
Our scrawny little boy-back/mid has become a man.
Look! I'm almost certain he's been eating more fonduta. He's definitely put on a few nice-looking kilos.
I mean, checkit! Sinewy leg muscles!
And Marcolino played at right back. Or left back. I think right back.
And that other guy was also there. He did not get sent off, but more than that I will not say. He's DeadToMe. He knows what he did.
Hey there, new guy. At least a few of us were willing to give you a chance after we saw you try so hard in S.A. How is that working out?
It's been a while (ok, last season) since I've seen a Juve mid suck this bad at maintaining possession. His touch was crap, his decision-making was poor, and I want my money back.
Try playing with your eyes open, wanker.
There were moments of grace......
....if you're doing an oil painting or something, but the graceful parts tended to be in the service of crap football.
Why is he up there, when the ball and the Rover are down here? Three guesses as to who got possession.
Plus, he was bellicose and obnoxious....
....and got carded, mostly for verbals. Moron.
Hey there other new guy.
Hmmmm. Martha's been making such a fuss over you that I've been determined to remain indifferent just to be difficult. I'm starting to feel my resolve crack. It might just be the saggy socks.
But it might be the way his jersey bends over the joint between his hip and his thigh, making me wanna take a peek under there.
Mercy. I wish I was feeling up his abs. Also: handses.
Martinez came on for Lanzafame shortly after the half.
I think he done good.
So the photogs hate Claudio this week:
Srsly. This is about the best I can do for ya:
He came in on a Rover in a pointless two-footed challenge that won him a yellow. Ekdal came on for him right before the end of regulation. And did nothing in his three minutes. And is probably going to Bologna or something. I guess Bologna isn't worried about things like cup-tied transfers.
I've decided not to trash Diego. Opposing players foul the shit out of him, and maybe he could spend less time on the floor complaining about it, but maybe it hurts, and it's not like he a major flop artist.
I'm still not sure about the new short hair.
He went off in the 82d in favor of ADP.
So. Goal-scorer Amauri.
So I didn't get a good look at the first goal, but it was NOT a header. *gasp*
I would like to say I'm happy that Amauri is scoring goals, but not if this is what's going to happen. It appears that there's some sort of little dance.
The good news is that Lanzafame was an equal participant in this travesty, thereby burning up all of his hotness points and returning balance to Dirtbunny's world.
I can't look. Is it over yet?
*peeks through fingers* Oh good. A nice, traditional glomp. Gio always knows exactly what I need.
I can't decide. Is Gio crushing Leo, or is Leo in ecstasy?
Amauri pissed me off in this match because he forced me to reconsider some of my firmly-held beliefs. One of those is that Amauri sucks on the ball. He has a crappy touch and should never be allowed to run with the ball for any distance. This week, however, fucker had some moves. He actually dribbled around a defender or two in the box. This was mightily confusing.
Bad Bunny! Don't get your hopes up!
Fortunately, there was still some fucking up to go with the goals so I don't have to check myself into the mental hospital.
The second goal was a nice header off a very pretty Marcolino cross:
Every time I see him go up for a header, I experience a full-body cringe. This one went in. Is this the kind of thing he used to do at Palermo?
First thing after the goal, he and his hairz went over to say thanks to Marcolino, who was very very excited indeed.
I know it's been a long time since he scored regularly, but since when does Amauri acknowledge the contributions of others? I thought he was an arrogant prick....
Wait. Here he is failing to appreciate a Giohug the way he ought if he had any sense.
mmmmm. Giohug
Okay. He still loves himself plenty. Whew. I feel better now.
Yeah yeah, pixelated stripes. I see them. Let's not dwell, ok?
Um.... I think I feel better.
Bunny wants me to do what? Now?
So my pretend boyfriend came on in minute 82 for Diego.
handsssssssss.
Awwwww. Look! #20 is wearing Ale's boots!
He took a late shot that some say went a shade wide, but fangirlz know he put it exactly where he meant to put it, not in the hole, not every time, but near the hole, which is also wonderful.
O. M. G. Nope. Not gonna delete it.
Poor dear. The hardest part of being Juventus captain is giving the leadership to wankers.
Ahhhhhh! That's better. He found something that reminds him of Dirtbunny!
What? An enormous head and hands, comically oversized feet, blue-eyed, puffy, and pale. We're practically twins!
Second leg in Modena August 5.
this post powered by the knowledge that I spent all day on it and if I quit and bailed then it would mean that I spent all day on nothing
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