Old Lady Post: Austrians and Bad Hair and Surprise Tangent

ORIGINALLY POSTED ON AUGUST 20, 2010

If this looks familiar, it's because it was from the Modena game against Shamrock.  I can't help it.  Look how pretty!




Whatta Week!  We saw the return of Jonathan Zebina, Certified Douchebag, to training, the return of International Villain and God's Favorite Brazilian Felipe Melo to the pitch, the departure of Tiago Mendes just when it looked like we might be stuck with him on account of his all-consuming greed, and we got a new mid:



Serbian winger Milos Krasic, late of CSKA Moscow.  He has hair issues.   Obviously.   It seems to me that the suits have sorta wanted him all along unless they could do better and get Dzeko if they could, which they couldn't.  Lucky for us, he has such shockingly low self-esteem that  was pleased and honored to hang around all summer being the Old Lady's back-up plan in case it didn't work out with Prince Charming.   And guess what else?  Reportedly, he doesn't suck!  Fortunately, we all have experience coping with bad hair, so perhaps this will work out.




Speaking of hair....

 
The Hairz Were There

So.  The match.  It looked pretty good, then pretty grim, and then the winner came in extra time from--much to my great surprise-- exactly who it was supposed to come from.  Juve won 2-1 and heads home with two away goals and a one-goal advantage.  Dirtbunny got all the way through the match, including ups and downs, without puking.  I wish I could say the same for my dog.


Napoli and Palermo won too.  And the Reds.   If only Samp would get with the program, Italy would be taking an important step in the direction of keeping its UEFA coefficient higher than the wretched Bundesliga, home of villains such as Michael Ballack (let's call him "Mikey"--I bet he HATES that), Mark Van Bommel, and Arjen Robben,  and keeping the four Champions League slots.


Anyway, let's start:




Boyz!


Still somewhat less pose-fail than Inter, but jeez.  If you want to look a little less like your Interpol "WANTED" poster, Claudio, try injecting some life into those cold cold eyes of yours, hmm?  Lanza looks a little like he's visualizing his Riverdance routine for when he does it later, and Amauri has managed to look a little pudgy around the middle.  On the other hand, A++ to Gio werking the hard and the hott while keeping the neck in a neutral and relaxed position (not jutting out like he's just been goosed, Leo).  No wonder he's il capitano.


As usual, there was no photog love for Marcostorari, even though he brought his monster game with him from Viola  Milan  Samp and deserves a lot more attention than he's been getting. 


Question:  If he's capable of looking like this:


  
yum, yum, gimme some



 ...then how the hell did he end up looking like he did in the starting eleven shot?  I know Nike has produced some highly dubious kits for keepers this year, but wouldn't you think the pants would match the jersey?


Here's the bench:


outcasts and old people.  Nick looks like he wishes he brought that Jesus figurine he's been whittling, and Trez just looks like one pissed off and misunderstood fourteen-year-old.  *pats them*





Srsly.  What is up with Trez?  He looks fucking miserable, even to me, and I'm no Trez-lover.


Here's your right back:




He seems not to have accomplished very much.  Maybe that's because he was temporarily deformed yesterday.




I hope his arms go back to normal.  They're some awfully fine arms.


Your left back:




Ok not so much from the photos, but is it just me, or he looking less spazzy and more... purposeful out there this year?



That's a foul, asshole.  PDC looks more angry than anything else.  Good.  I'm sure it hurts to be clattering to the dirt all the time, but I have seen more than enough near-death experiences and grievous career-ending injuries on the pitch that miraculously go away about ten seconds after the golf cart hits the touch line.  Be a man, bb.


OK, so the mids.


Dead Guy started at the Defensive Mid spot.



He did not disgrace himself.  Every week that goes by without him disgracing himself helps to improve his reputation and work towards my forgiveness.  Don't kid yourself, though.  He still has a loooooooong way to go.  Dumbass.



Pepe.  Why do coaches love you so much?




This photo is pretty much the opposite of one from a few weeks ago.  He looks like he's muscling for a nice brawny block or something, only the Austrian and the ball are way way up there and Pepe is way way down here.  I guess he forgot to jump.


That's the bad news.  The good news is that I didn't see any of his usual CR7 bullshit out there this week.  In other words, he did not stand out as particularly bad.  *lukewarm applause*



And over on the other side,  it's Mr. Socks of Sag



He went out shortly after the half in favor of Mr. Martinez, whom the photogs apparently despise:


That's all there is.  I know!  What if he needs to be able to prove to his wife that, yes, he really was away on business?   I hope he kept his receipts.


Also, Claude.  He was....  um........active




I've seen football players steer with their hands, but never quite like that.





Oh yeah, bb.  Bring it.


Ole Claudio managed to get himself another yellow which means he's suspended for the return leg.  Lovely. 


In about minute 72, Claudio went out and this guy came in :




Guess what?  Nothing bad happened.  He didn't kick anyone in the nads.  He didn't wrestle anyone to ground, straddle him, grab his head with two hands, and pound his head repeatedly into the dirt.  He didn't thrash all over the place cleating people and giving the ball away.  He had a nice, quiet reintroduction to football.   Good job, sweetie.   I believe in you, but fuck up and I'll turn on you so hard you'll wish you were Poulsen.


Diego:



Not going to the Wolf.  LDN said so.












As usual, he gave us all plenty of effort, but it's hard to think of anything tangible. 
  I want him to succeed.  Really I do.




BREAKING NEWS!

Speaking of wanting someone to succeed, it looks like Albertino and his broke-ass knees are coming to Torino   Turin  on loan.    Oh crap.  I mean HOORAY!  Hmm.  I spose it depends on which Albertino shows up.  You can do it baby!  I know you can!  OMG what's happening to the Reds?   I shouldn'ta laughed at Mr. D when Poulsen went to Anfield  Karma's a bitch.

BRB.  This definitely calls for a libation of some sort.


glug glug glug

*wipes mouth with back of her hand*


Moving on..... so around minute 74, Diego and his grown-up not-as-cute haircut went off and my pretend boyfriend came on and there are only two photos of him in the whole bunch.  For the first one, you'll have to scroll up to the bench-warmers.  He's the one who is NOT in a coma of boredom or disgust.  The other one is coming later.



Goal-scorers:



Leo!  A lovely header off a Diego corner in the 16th.  Sorry Diego.  I forgot.  That was a pretty important and tangible contribution.  Forgive me?


Here it is up close and in slo mo.



Oh my.   I can think of a few co-workers who oughtta have their faces smashed in like that but, sadly, it's frowned on where I work.


His sweet Roman face bounced back.  Not to worry.


When you're a Jet
You're a Jet all the way
From your first cigarette
To your last Dying Day

You can guess what happened next.  The team ho started chasing:


HALP!  Save me!


Leo:  Nooooo!  Halp!  He's gonna eat me!
SK:  Yeah, but not til after, you little bitch.



Leo:  PLZ!  Guys!  He's got, like, weird bones and shit in his locker.
SK:  You best be getting ready to unclench, boy.





Leo:  NO!  Romans never bottom!
SK:  Russians never top.

ETA:    HAHAHAHAHAHA!  Um that doesn't say what I meant it to say.  At All.  It's like this, see:  Romans never bottom and Russians ALWAYS top.  See?  Classic geometrical conundrum and sure-fire knee-slapping humor.




nnnnnnngh.  Is anyone else getting hot?



So Claudio captured Leo and there were hugs



..and maybe some tongue...


and definitely some glomping from Il Capitano when ADP is on the bench



Gio, at last!  *sigh*


 

Maybe I don't give Amauri enough credit.  He seems to know what to do with his hands during a glomp.

And there was some post-glomp milling around.


Hee!  Claudio still hasn't let go!

I can't say for sure whether Leo is still with us, but I know he survived long enough to give  post-match interview that went something like this:  "Blah Blah Blah scoring goals is fun  Blah Blah Blah."  Sorry.  I keep getting distracted by the mental image of might have happened in the dressing room between him and Claudio.

Anyway, that was minute 16 or so, and then the game dragged on and on and on and a whole lot of nothing was happening and I was starting to get that sorta sick feeling I got at the end of most of the matches last season and then it was minute 80 and I started thinking hey!  maybe they'll pull it off.

Only Sturm equalised in minute 82.

And the dark doom descended.  Again!  Blowing a lead again!  Oh crap.  And ADP knocked two free kicks off the post.  Three minutes of extra time?  Why not just shoot 'em and be done with it?

But then, at 91:30, when no one believed any more, ADP sent one of his special corners into the box and

What?!?

Did that just go in?  Was that a goal?



Fuck Me!  Amauri scored one in the air!  Hot damn!

Amauri celebrated in his usual way:


Amauri iz gr8 sez Amauri!



Who's a saint?  *eyeroll*


Gio's a saint, that's who.  He's all up in them hairz with no protection at all! 



I'm still not jumping on the bandwagon yet, but I do hope Amauri is turning it around.


It was kind of weird.  I was more relieved than pleased.  *sigh*   I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!  WHY CAN'T THEY WIN EVERY GAME!?!??



  And, again, we find ourselves forced to conclude with a horror show, since no one bothered to take any other photos of ADP.





WRONG SHIRT!  WRONG SHIRT!  O.M.G.  EVEN LEO KNOWS YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR THE OTHER GUY'S SHIRT.   WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO US? 


I'm going to have to give that boy a stern talking-to.  It's bad enough that you won't give the fangirlz what they're dying for, but to cover yourself with THE WRONG SHIRT!?!   WHYEEEEEEEEEE? 

BRB.  *Having a little cry*


The return leg is Thursday August 26  at the Stadio Olimpico. 



Bunny is happy to report that this spam took less than ten hours to complete.