Dirtbunny.net: Old Lady Post: Zebras in Manchester

ORIGINALLY POSTED ON OCTOBER 2, 2010

yup. that's pretty much how I feel about it.

I'd like to start with a Public Service Announcement from the Moron Network:

If you are trying not to find out the score from a football match you have not yet seen, STAY OFF FOOTBALL SITES ON THE INTERWEBS.

I've fallen into this trap before,but I never learn. I think I would have enjoyed that match much much more if I hadn't known the result in advance. There was a lot of action and some suspense and it ended in a nail-biting 1-1 draw. This is a good thing. Man City is a good ~~team~~ side, and a point against Man City away is a very nice thing to have. The Citizens took advantage of the Bianconeri's one serious defensive break and ADP knocked a free kick off the crossbar late and, well, that was probably a winnable ~~game~~ match. I would be happier with a win.

I'll try womanfully to accentuate the positive.

one of mine on any other day

We begin with training:

Mr. Hat Trick here was very popular with the photographers.

?????They're horsing around, right? Then why isn't Melo smiling?????

Let me break this down, son. Don't kick the ball to anyone who is not wearing stripes. Try to find Milos or Claudio and kick the ball to one of them. Kick the ball, don't throw it.

While Pepe glommed onto ADP like the most obnoxious of fangirls, Il Mister Not Ciro tried to explain the game of football to former Czech Republic International Zdenek Grygera, whom I love, but who is terrible. &hearts

Then the suits pulled out our camera-ready capitano to talk to the press.

Tangent: Have you ever noticed how they all seem to have fabulous eyelashes? Why? What do presumably straight men need with pretty eyelashes? Not. Fair.

But eventually, the match had to begin. Here's your starting twelve.

10 seconds later, Ale pats his clueless mascot on the back and says "Okay now. Scram."

As usual, Manninger! looks frightened out of his wits and only ADP and Gio look remotely comfortable. Marchisio looks like he's wondering how the photographer's hamstring would taste marinated in garlic and lemon and barbecued.

Really, there was only one atrociously bad defensive moment. Adam Johnson eluded his man and took advantage of an enormous open space between Gio and Leo to put the ball in.

Johnson, who was safely ensconced at Middlesborough--where he was no danger to zebras--until this season, was a beast the whole match.

No problem.

PDC was up to it.

Up. To. It.

And he didn't neglect his other responsibilities either.

PDC ain't afraid of no big scary strikers. He plays in Serie A, dude. Theys got lots of big scary strikers and a couple of sneaky tiny ones too.

Not worried about Yaya either.

Because PDC started on the left, Grygera started on the right. Wait. That makes no sense. What about Marcolino? Shouldn't Marcolino usually start ahead of Gryga? I spose nether of them are that great, but Motta is cuter and has way better arms. So Motta sat on the bench until he came on for PDC in the 70th, at which point Gryga switched over to the left.

Because PDC started on the left, Grygera started on the right. It was his lucky day. Not because he didn't give away the ball, because he did. Not because he came forward a lot and provided magnificent service, because he didn't. Not because he was an impermeable wall of defensive might, because he wasn't. Not because he managed to avoid getting carded, because he didn't. He had a decent game, but it was none of that. So why was it his lucky day?

He found a photo buddy!

Someone to make ape faces with! Someone who understands! Tevez must have been overjoyed to distraction, because he couldn't find any tricks to get himself past the defense, which included Leo in the middle, not that any photogs noticed.

Gio was full of RAWR!

Perhaps a little bit too much rawr on occasion.

He spent a lot of time shutting down Gareth Barry, whom I've decided I don't like.

But THIS is my favorite Giophoto of the ~~game~~ match:

David Silva has just missed and Gio is ~~looking towards the ref to make sure he's not getting called for something~~ snickering about it. I hate David Silva, and it makes my twisted heart warm to pretend that Gio hates him too. If anyone out there is tempted to make a certain point about Gio's inherent goodness by posting a comment with a certain icon that makes me cringe, consider your point made.

Martinez started on the right side of the center.

He had a pretty good ~~game~~ match.

I don't think he's back to full fitness yet.

I saw the match on GolTV, with an appallingly grainy picture and commentary in Spanish. The picture was so bad that I kept thinking Martinez was Amauri. He went off in the 54th for Pepe.

Well, THAT was an occasion for my announcers. No Espanol, remember, but OMG were they excited. I could pick out the phrase "la pasion." Here we go again. Passion without ability = not much. *sigh*

He came on in non-mutilated socks and played well with no serious fuckups.

In the center of the midfield, we had Momo and Claudio.

there's something familiar about that blue guy.....

Hm. I know I'm not very nice to Momo. When I think of him, I think "dumb-ass avoidable fouls." I tend not to notice him very much until he commits one of the aforementioned dumb-ass avoidable fouls. Perhaps he really does suck as much as I say he does. Being as objective as I can be, it's fair to say that it's hard for me to see what a non-regista central midfielder does. Most of the rest of the match is obvious:

--Strikers and attacking mids shoot goals.
--Wingers and mids who play on the outside bring the ball up and pass it into the box.
--Fullbacks do what wingers and wide mids do, plus with moar defense (ideally, anyway).
--Defenders keep other people from getting close to goal or taking clean shots.

"Defensive mid." "Holding mid." I can read and I know what those things mean, but I have a hard time seeing it on the pitch.

Claudio isn't a defensive mid, although he did drag down Adebayor by the shirt, but it's hard for me to pick out his role too.

Actually, I guess pretty much everyone did his best to work over Adebayor:

Where were we?

Wingers. Ah, yes: On the ~~left~~ right, Milos!

He also had Barry duties, which he managed well.

He was just as good as he's been the last few games. He's a keeper.

there's that guy again....

Milos was intimately involved in the match's worst moment. Pull up your chair.

Mr. D and I have decided, based on our ~~two years of~~ vast experience, that Spanish refs generally suck. That's probably unfair, but the game is called differently in La Liga, and this translates to all manner of weirdness when they come out of Spain for UEFA or FIFA matches. So I turn on the toob and cue up the match and start watching and my first thought was "Oh Shit. Line-up of Fail." That was just the gloom talking. My second thought was, "JFC. NOT HIM! ANYONE BUT HIM!" I prepared myself for some bad calls, but nothing could have prepared me for this one.

Kompany (I think) tripped Milos in the box. Milos went down. Penalty, right? Wrong. Yellow Card.

Against Milos.

FOR DIVING!

I'm sure our non-Juventina friends will be happy to help us identify any zebra exaggerators, embellishers, go-down-awfully-easy-for-a-big-guy-ers, and floppers, but let's leave that for another time. Whoever may be on that list, Krasic is not. Disgraceful.

Krasic went out in the 76th for Melo who, once again, completed a match without hacking anyone with a machete.

Amauri is still hurt-ish, and Quags is cup-tied, so you know what that means: Ale started up top.

Ale can battle two Toures at a time. Look how clam and relaxed his face is! How is that possible?

He worked and worked and worked.

He went a full 90 minutes again. You could really see him wearing down late in the second half. He has appeared in every official match this season. Only one other zebra can claim that. Pepe. *sigh*

love

He had an awesome free kick from distance early in the match that should have gone in but for Joe Fucking Hart's amazing save. Bastard.

He had another chance in the 86th.

Walks the ball up and puts it down the way he likes it.

Wipes his nose and fiddles with his jersey to keep his focus while the wall sets up.

And....

BOOM!

Look at everyone cringe!

It hit the bottom edge of the crossbar and bounced straight down, square on the goal line, and Hart swatted it away. No goal.

You could see it in the replay pretty clearly. It was the right call. But in the moment, OUTRAGE!

Even idiots guess right sometimes.

Exactly who do you think you're lecturing, pal?

Only one man is allowed to patronize the ADP like that and we all know who that is. God, how I miss him.

Iturraldo: "I touched him! Squee!"
ADP: "Asshole"

Bygones.

The match ended in a draw, remember? so someone must have scored. Who could it be?

Not Not Ciro is dying to know.

Who can bring the dramaz ~~when Amauri is at home~~?

The Calabrian Cannon, that's who.

Generally, you tend to see center strikers make two kinds of goals. One kind starts with his back to the box and ends with a shot from close range. The other occurs when he jumps and attempts to bonk his concrete-filled head against the ball.

Not this one. Our Vincenzo, who looks pretty comfortable with the ball, brought it up himself and took a shot from distance.

Thusly.

There was some running around.

Then, freed from the small-minded bureaucrats at the FIGC whose mission is to oppress football players who only want to express themselves, Vincenzo sent us a shirt-o-gram.

"Oh No. You Did it Yourself."
That doesn't seem very idiomatic to me. Can anyone help a girl out?

Tattoos in English. Shirts in Italian. Um, that's nice, Vincenzo, but we'd rather see your abs.

Iturraldo: I hired a car. It's waiting right outside. I even got your favorite Uliveto water.
ADP: I am not going out with you.
Iturraldo: But I waxed!
ADP: Umm..... Right. No.

So. Message delivered, Vince returned to the prancing.