Yeah, it was a trip in the box. Suck it up.
So the team that dresses like fast-food hamburger peddlers from the early 1970s came to Turin. (Dudes, I did a Google image search on this and I swear to God I ended up with an image of David Beckham in a crew cut.)
There was all kinds of awesome. Choose your flavor:
spicy?
Sweet?
The Hairz were there
Let's get two things out of the way right now.
1. Never bet large amounts of money based on what Dirtbunny says about Juventus game results predictions
2. Despite what some have said, the caterpillar is still there:
Please contrast that with this:
Poor Ciro. Now that he's well and truly sacked, he's enjoying a bit of a reputational comeback in some circles. Jerks. At least no one can say I've been unfaithful, you know, for me.
And now on with the show.
So, although Juventus fielded a full complement of players and had eleven men on the pitch throughout the match, you wouldn't know it from the photography.
As usual, Marcostorari started in goal. I remember being in a constant state of "oh shit" watching wave after wave of Lecce counterattacks threaten goal and most of them went high or wide or both but there were definitely a few saves. Or maybe I was just nervous and there was nothing much going on back there. Nah....I'm pretty sure I almost puked a couple of times. I love Marcostorari. For those of you who have forgotten what he looks like, here he is with Captain Aggro:
And here he is from the front, with neck tats and blood:
The entire defense had a great game. No one sucked, not even Gryga, whom I love but who is usually terrible. Not Ciro fielded PDC, Gio, Leo, and Gryga and I remember seeing all of them, even if they were invisible to photographers. Everyone contributed, so it feels wrong to not show anything, so here's what five minutes on Daylife turns up:
Paolino:
Aww.
oooooh. Nice... um.... shoulders.
Gryga in action:
No match for Jojo's hair,obs, but nice effort.
Why, Zdenek! You look so... so.... resolute.
And Leo, of course:
If you're not so much into the pencil-neck look, here he is....
....after his eyefucking lessons. Professor Cassani thinks he's a good student. And if you like it a little more obvious....
...there's your crotch shot.
Let us not forget The Amazing Giorgio:
No games here, no little jokes, just full-on Gio speaking for himself. unf
*le sigh*
UNF!
OK, um Pepe! Did that bring you back to reality? Don't worry, he didn't play. Oh wait. Yes he did. He came on in the 76th for Albertino. He did not fuck up. Neither did Momo, who came on for Melo in the 64th.
Sorry. Got distracted.
OK, then. Non-defenders who did not score.
Amauri is no longer injured, but he wasn't looking quite as sharp as he was before he got hurt.
I still say he's weak with the ball on the ground.
Srsly, bb. This is not your best stuff right here.
However, he was working it.
He clearly wants to impress.
I'm not quite sold yet, but I am starting to feel a cold empty place inside where my burning Amauri-hate used to live. (I'm sure if I give it another week, my job will find a way to fill the hole. heh heh)
Claudio was there, playing end-to-end ass-kicking football. Damn, son.
I'm a little concerned that maybe Marcostorari is handing out free haircuts on the team bus. Just say no, people.
Nope. Not going to move on. Claudio was all kinds of wonderful, and he got an assist, so he gets another make-up photo, since the stupid photogs were oblivious:
i hate pazzo's sunglasses so much
The thing to remember about Claudio is this: Even though the boy knows exactly how to wear a suit (only Pirlo and Gigi do it better, and Gigi does it better by going to oppositeland and doing an anti-suit-wearing thing that really has no equal anywhere)...
...he can still be a dumb-ass kid who's gonna get himself beaten to death if he doesn't watch himself.
And now, it's time for the other midfielder who didn't score.
Milos. You'd better believe it.
Three assists yesterday. THREE
And he got tripped in the box, thereby drawing a penalty that led to a goal.
He got his ass kicked hard yesterday. By which I mean Lecce fouled the shit out of him. Four Lecce players got yellow cards for fouls committed on Milos, and at least one of them was lucky not to get a second yellow and be sent off. Yay? I think? I hope he doesn't turn out to be fragile and delicate and whatnot. But that's not the point.
Aside from the three assists, which should tell you what you need to know about his magnificent crosses yesterday, he owned the wings. Fucking owned them. Lecce might as well have fielded inflatable sex dolls instead of defenders. He had pace and guile and moves and everything.
He is a special, special player. All hail Milos.
So. Goal-scorers.
Hey, y'all! Albertino can play!
He had a low hard one from about 10m outside the box in the 13th minute.
Ha! He's a closet Trekkie! I'll never look at him the same way again.
"Aquilani" is related to the Italian word for "eagle," right?
Cos there was a lot of this sort of prancing with the outstretched arms.
And no smiling. Sheesh. Dude, you get paid a ridiculous amount of money to play a game and you can have any plastic-filled life-sized Barbie doll you want and when you do something good at work, everyone screams and cheers and you get to prance and run around and your friends all glomp you and tell you you're great. Lighten up a bit and give us a smile.
Remember, this was the first goal of the match and it came early. And we all know that it wouldn't exactly be unheard-of for Juve to get spanked at home by a crappy team like Lecce, and the players probably knew that too (except the really stupid ones, like Pepe. I don't think any of the others are bona fide morons although sometimes you have to wonder wtf Momo and Gryga are thinking) and so an early goal was a motherfucking relief that's what it was. Plus it was a sweet strike and Albertino's first zebra goal. So everyone wanted to celebrate, and rightly so.
See? Gio was there.
And so was Paolino. rawr.
I think maybe Albertino got a haircut. I approve.
And now we are going to skip ahead to the third goal, at minute 44, brought to you byMilos Krasic Quags.
Quags didn't have the best of games. He seemed out of sync with the rest of the offense for a lot of the time and he just didn't seem to find himself. However, this is football, and anyone who watches football on TV knows: It Only Takes A Second.
Milos came tearing up the right, leaving red and yellow crash-test dummies in his wake, and he looked like maybe he brought it up too far and it was going to go over the goal line to no one and nothing, but then he pulled it back just a tad and sent a cross right across the face of goal, maybe about three/four feet in front of wide-open Quags, just out of reach.
But remember what Qaugs is all about (besides the homoerotic calendars and herpes). What he does that no one else does is pull crazy howthefuckdidthathappen goals out of nowhere and nothing.
He launched himself forward, went horizontal, and bonked it in with his head, landing flat belly-flop style on the pitch in front of goal. Holy crap. Ho. Ly. Crap.
Wait. Quags has armz too?
He was psyched. (Do the kids still say that?)
Awwww.No! Bad Bunny! You must resist the Napolitano.
unf. Those armz again.
Proof of Gryga, andpossibly of the back of Leo's head. Nope. That's Melo.
Also, lol Milos gettin' down.
So the boyz all gathered around for a circle of love. Come on! Join in! Hurry! We've saved a place for you! Group hug! It's OK, this isn't Roma, when we get in a circle, it's safe.
Aww. Quags and Leo. &hearts
And now on with the show.
So, although Juventus fielded a full complement of players and had eleven men on the pitch throughout the match, you wouldn't know it from the photography.
As usual, Marcostorari started in goal. I remember being in a constant state of "oh shit" watching wave after wave of Lecce counterattacks threaten goal and most of them went high or wide or both but there were definitely a few saves. Or maybe I was just nervous and there was nothing much going on back there. Nah....I'm pretty sure I almost puked a couple of times. I love Marcostorari. For those of you who have forgotten what he looks like, here he is with Captain Aggro:
And here he is from the front, with neck tats and blood:
The entire defense had a great game. No one sucked, not even Gryga, whom I love but who is usually terrible. Not Ciro fielded PDC, Gio, Leo, and Gryga and I remember seeing all of them, even if they were invisible to photographers. Everyone contributed, so it feels wrong to not show anything, so here's what five minutes on Daylife turns up:
Paolino:
Aww.
oooooh. Nice... um.... shoulders.
Gryga in action:
No match for Jojo's hair,obs, but nice effort.
Why, Zdenek! You look so... so.... resolute.
And Leo, of course:
If you're not so much into the pencil-neck look, here he is....
....after his eyefucking lessons. Professor Cassani thinks he's a good student. And if you like it a little more obvious....
...there's your crotch shot.
Let us not forget The Amazing Giorgio:
No games here, no little jokes, just full-on Gio speaking for himself. unf
*le sigh*
UNF!
OK, um Pepe! Did that bring you back to reality? Don't worry, he didn't play. Oh wait. Yes he did. He came on in the 76th for Albertino. He did not fuck up. Neither did Momo, who came on for Melo in the 64th.
Sorry. Got distracted.
OK, then. Non-defenders who did not score.
Amauri is no longer injured, but he wasn't looking quite as sharp as he was before he got hurt.
I still say he's weak with the ball on the ground.
Srsly, bb. This is not your best stuff right here.
However, he was working it.
He clearly wants to impress.
I'm not quite sold yet, but I am starting to feel a cold empty place inside where my burning Amauri-hate used to live. (I'm sure if I give it another week, my job will find a way to fill the hole. heh heh)
Claudio was there, playing end-to-end ass-kicking football. Damn, son.
I'm a little concerned that maybe Marcostorari is handing out free haircuts on the team bus. Just say no, people.
Nope. Not going to move on. Claudio was all kinds of wonderful, and he got an assist, so he gets another make-up photo, since the stupid photogs were oblivious:
i hate pazzo's sunglasses so much
The thing to remember about Claudio is this: Even though the boy knows exactly how to wear a suit (only Pirlo and Gigi do it better, and Gigi does it better by going to oppositeland and doing an anti-suit-wearing thing that really has no equal anywhere)...
...he can still be a dumb-ass kid who's gonna get himself beaten to death if he doesn't watch himself.
And now, it's time for the other midfielder who didn't score.
Milos. You'd better believe it.
Three assists yesterday. THREE
And he got tripped in the box, thereby drawing a penalty that led to a goal.
He got his ass kicked hard yesterday. By which I mean Lecce fouled the shit out of him. Four Lecce players got yellow cards for fouls committed on Milos, and at least one of them was lucky not to get a second yellow and be sent off. Yay? I think? I hope he doesn't turn out to be fragile and delicate and whatnot. But that's not the point.
Aside from the three assists, which should tell you what you need to know about his magnificent crosses yesterday, he owned the wings. Fucking owned them. Lecce might as well have fielded inflatable sex dolls instead of defenders. He had pace and guile and moves and everything.
He is a special, special player. All hail Milos.
So. Goal-scorers.
Hey, y'all! Albertino can play!
He had a low hard one from about 10m outside the box in the 13th minute.
Ha! He's a closet Trekkie! I'll never look at him the same way again.
"Aquilani" is related to the Italian word for "eagle," right?
Cos there was a lot of this sort of prancing with the outstretched arms.
And no smiling. Sheesh. Dude, you get paid a ridiculous amount of money to play a game and you can have any plastic-filled life-sized Barbie doll you want and when you do something good at work, everyone screams and cheers and you get to prance and run around and your friends all glomp you and tell you you're great. Lighten up a bit and give us a smile.
Remember, this was the first goal of the match and it came early. And we all know that it wouldn't exactly be unheard-of for Juve to get spanked at home by a crappy team like Lecce, and the players probably knew that too (except the really stupid ones, like Pepe. I don't think any of the others are bona fide morons although sometimes you have to wonder wtf Momo and Gryga are thinking) and so an early goal was a motherfucking relief that's what it was. Plus it was a sweet strike and Albertino's first zebra goal. So everyone wanted to celebrate, and rightly so.
See? Gio was there.
And so was Paolino. rawr.
I think maybe Albertino got a haircut. I approve.
And now we are going to skip ahead to the third goal, at minute 44, brought to you by
Quags didn't have the best of games. He seemed out of sync with the rest of the offense for a lot of the time and he just didn't seem to find himself. However, this is football, and anyone who watches football on TV knows: It Only Takes A Second.
Milos came tearing up the right, leaving red and yellow crash-test dummies in his wake, and he looked like maybe he brought it up too far and it was going to go over the goal line to no one and nothing, but then he pulled it back just a tad and sent a cross right across the face of goal, maybe about three/four feet in front of wide-open Quags, just out of reach.
But remember what Qaugs is all about (besides the homoerotic calendars and herpes). What he does that no one else does is pull crazy howthefuckdidthathappen goals out of nowhere and nothing.
He launched himself forward, went horizontal, and bonked it in with his head, landing flat belly-flop style on the pitch in front of goal. Holy crap. Ho. Ly. Crap.
Wait. Quags has armz too?
He was psyched. (Do the kids still say that?)
Awwww.
unf. Those armz again.
Proof of Gryga, and
Also, lol Milos gettin' down.
So the boyz all gathered around for a circle of love. Come on! Join in! Hurry! We've saved a place for you! Group hug! It's OK, this isn't Roma, when we get in a circle, it's safe.
Aww. Quags and Leo. &hearts
So that's the third one. The second one was brought to you by
It was the sneakiest, most arrogant penalty kick I've seen since ADP put a pathetic little dribbler past Petr Cech in the 2008-09 Champions League.
Look at that! There's nothing on it!
If I were a goalkeeper, I'd have them bring in a big-ass sofa, put it right in the goalmouth, and I'd sit in the middle with a tennis racket and take a swipe at anything that came near (as long as it didn't make me spill my drink). This PK? I'd have had time to hoist my aching aged self off the sofa, hobble over, and stop it before it trickled in. What an asshole, showing up the keeper like that. Hee! I'm glad he's ours.
God's Favorite Brazilian and the Juventus fans have been at
The fans were pleased. He got a standing ovation when Not Ciro took him out in the 64th.
And as for Melo? In a word: boyishgleewithasideorderofsambaandmaybealittlerawr.
It starts with a smile ....
and a wind-up...
..and a mighty leap of joy! (Wow, Claude. Get some sleep, why dontcha? And ask Alessa for his advice on puffy eyes for heaven's sake. I'm sure he knows just the product.)
I said, "A MIGHTY LEAP OF JOY!"
And then there was a giggly and goofy little dance that Albertino did not understand.
But Amauri did, and he joined Melo at the corner flag for some samba, I guess, although I'm sure that there are many nuances in South American dance that are way beyond me. I'm usually virulently opposed to little dances of any sort, but this one was OK.
HE CAN'T STOP SMILING, PEOPLE! &hearts
And now a word from our new sponsor.
Please disregard Gio's ghastly new haircut and J-C Blanc and behold: A Sponsor For The Away Kit!
Balocco, Piemontesi makers of dolci since 1927. They have stuff for Christmas and Easter and they have something that Google Translate thinks is "Desserts Newspapers" but which has got to be Dolci for the day-to-day. Jeez. "Quotidiani" means exactly what it looks like it means: "Quotidian." Did anyone at Google Translate go to College? I despair.
So it's 3-0 at the half and Juve continues to dominate and Lecce gots nuthin and on it goes until minute 77, when Quags goes out for ADP.
meep
If I'm being objective, which I can't really be when it comes to my pretend boyfriend, he wasn't MOTM. You'd have to give that to Milos. And Juventus was already up three goals and that doesn't usually mean jack when Juventus is playing a crap team at home, but for once, it felt like a safe three-goal lead. So you can't say that goal number four was a game-winner. And a fourth goal is nice. It gives the zebes the best goal-diff in the league, but they're still five points back.
None of that matters. Alessa scored a goal.
Milos sent in another one of his magnificent crosses. Ale pulled it down with his right foot, but he didn't have enough space to take the shot, so he settled the ball, put his right foot back as if he was ready to take the shot anyway, and instead of power, he gave the ball a little nudge to the left, shifted it onto his left foot, and BAM!
Milos checking out the fruits of his labor.
No one had a chance.
You know, this shit really makes me sad. Given Alessa's age, that Thing That Juventini Don't Discuss is going to happen before you know it, and all I can think about is all the
BRB. This calls for a drink.
*Raises glass, "Confusion to Robespierre," and down the hatch*
Right. Where were we?
Ah yes. A delicious, luscious, positively lickable goal, followed by the usual thing with the tongue that's alluring and disgusting at the same time.
Something's not quite right. There's less tongue and less RAWR than usual.
And right about here is where it hits him.
October 16, 2010: Juventus all-time league goal record: Giampiero Boniperti
October 18, 2010: Juventus all-time league goal record: Giampiero Boniperti and Alessandro Del Piero.
At first, there's no time to take a moment, because the mob must be satisfied.
OMG Milos! Don't hurt him!
OK, yeah, hugs. Hugs are good.
Gio is glomping,but he has climbed Gryga and Momo. They can take it. Alessa is delicate.
Ha! Have you noticed? In the first two celebration shots, Claudio is trying to squirm past Momo for direct Claudio-Alessa contact. In this one, he has succeeded. Persistent fucker.
Horde placated, Alessa has time for his moment.
Kisses for Dirtbunny. Or maybe for the pretty brunette in the cute double-breasted white coat sitting in the tribuna cheering for him while holding a small boy who is awfully damned handsome.
But maybe also for the tifosi who love him and the people who helped him get here, maybe even for the ones who are no longer here.
Yeah. Sad again. I can't even think of a dick joke to cheer myself up.
Next match: Thursday at Salzburg in Day Three of the Europa League
After that: Sunday away to Bologna.
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