Giorgio came to play.
The match ended in a draw, and not every moment shone with footballing excellence, but I didn't get to the end thinking that the boys had blown it. They played hard, they played well, and they have every reason to be proud of what they accomplished, whatever the result. Albertino played better than I have ever seen him, Sorensen was impressive, Pepe showed me why coaches love him, and Chiellini was fucking awesome. He gets this week's Most Likely to Get Laid award. The
the Hairz were there
You know it was an important match because the cheerleader got her hair did. See? No pony tails!
Look who was in da hous!
So don't ask me why because it was a home match, but the boyz came out in the away kits. This turned out for the best, since the white shows blood better than the stripes. Because Captiano Gio was the star of the show, let's go backwards this time.
Up top, Of Blacks started his best strike force.
In the first half, Quagliarela was everywhere. Defending, passing, attacking.
Unfortunately, his passing was consistently crappy.
And sometimes his touch failed him.
He had a handful of opportunities and a few good shots on goal, including a beauty in the 86th that my
He contributed in attack and in defense. Gold star for Quagliarella.
Vincenzo had a tough job fighting all day with DDR.
Looks like Vincenzo is winning, at least in this one.
I love DDR. He's a naughty boy and a giant goofball, but I love him.
He also fought with Nico.
Nico was pretty handsy. He tried to hump Alessa at one point. Held him good with both arms and ground his pelvis against Alessa's butt. How that is not a foul, I do not know. But back to Vince.
Reliably, Vince brought the dramaz.
Hm. Looks like Vincenzo is a man who takes half-decent care with his nails. Smooth, short nails are important. If a man is going to touch, I don't know, say, a woman, for example, it's better if he can put his hands on her without slashing her open with jagged fingernails. Boys, you don't want to draw blood from a woman's sensitive areas with your grody fingernails, OK? Guess what? This also applies to your toenails. We can't know which one it is, but he has either figured it out for himself or Mrs. Vince asked him to keep himself groomed and he does, just because she asks him to. Bonus gold star for Vince for considerate grooming. But I digress.
Vince made Julio Sergio work for his money a few times. He had an excellent chance early. He was all alone up top--and onside \o/-- but he decided to go outside to get around JS and he ended up putting it too far away from himself so the best he could muster was a shot directly into the breadbasket. /o\
However, in the 33rd, Albertino was noodling around, turning this way, shifting the ball to the other foot and going that way, just kind of going in little circles and causing me to wonder whether he had any sort of plan or was he just an idiot, when all of a sudden he shot in the perfect cross and Vince put it in on the volley:
*sigh* For a while there, Juve was up on Roma. It was niiiiiiice.
GOTTA PRANCE!
GOTTA PRANCE!
Yes, dear. You're number one.
Vince ran directly to the curva, where the only person who could get near him aside from the stewards and the v. happy tifosi was Leo. Wait a minute. Leo doesn't have three arms, so there must be someone else back there.
Vincenzo isn't fully fit yet and Of Blacks knows who the crowd has come to see, so Alessa came on in the 53rd.
He
It was not his best night.
He didn't get very many touches and he got fouled a lot. Non-Juventini: Cover your ears now! OK fellow Juventini, so he tried to turn some of those fouls into something, and he tried to make some other stuff look like fouls, but he cried wolf enough that when he actually did get fouled in the box, Rizzoli wasn't buying it. I keep telling him to stay on his feet, but he's the big football "genius," you know how it is. *eyeroll* Non-Juventini, you may listen again.
He had a good chance to get the go-ahead goal on a free kick deep in stoppage time and there's a long story here that we'll get to later, but in the end he hit the wall and that was that.
Bottom line is he's tired. When he gets home, I'll fix him some greens and maybe squash risotto and we'll see if the extra vitamins help. No gold star for this match, my love, but you'll always be Bunny's favorite.
Amauri came on in the 75th. He scrambled all over the place but was unable to make anything happen.
Looks like Nico is not the only Roma defender without a sense of personal space.
He was looking a little pale to me, but not sick enough to stop fussing.
In fact, his eyes were extra sparkly with the fire of outrage. GET YOUR FORM BACK! DO IT NOW!
Claudio started out of position--AGAIN--on the left side of the midfield.
Roma sent most of their attack up the left-hand side, so Claudio was busy with Menez.
Menez forced a save out of Marcostorari in the 10th, but that was the closest he got. Also, Menez was a little less douchey than usual, probably because he got carded for a foul on Grosso inside the first minute. An early yellow card can really cramp your style if "douchebag" is your style.
In the second half, Claudio seemed to find some space to move around a bit. He had a great block on Totti and was starting to churn out some pretty little moves. Gold star for Claudio for his fab skillz.
He had a good chance charging up the line....
..but it went over the bar.
WOES!
He went off in the 75th for Amauri.
Albertino started in the center. He's back, y'all.
In addition to setting up Vincenzo's goal, he fought hard for possession.
Mirko had nothing all day. Sorry, bb. Glad you sucked against the zebes. Hope you kick ass next week.
The thumb sucker also had nothing.
He ended up resorting to thespianism, but was unconvincing.
Oh come on. If anyone had touched him, DDR would be murderous instead of placid and relaxed.
He ran the offense and made one beautiful cross after another. So this is why we signed him. OK then. Two gold stars for Albertino, plus a return to the Azzurri.
God's Favorite Brazilian started next to Albertino.
Where Albertino tended to go forward, Melo tended to go back more on D.
Aside from an early yellow, and a misplaced strike or two, he did exactly what he was supposed to do.
He did his vitally important defensive mid stuff.
He disrupted the attack and meddled with Roma's possession.
He didn't go forward very often, but he set up the attack more than a few times with deadly accurate long balls out wide to Albertino and Pepe.
He may be Bianconeri now, but he still represents for the Viola Way.
Early in the second half, he was obviously trying to provoke Totti. & hearts He almost did, too, but Totti managed not to stomp anyone in the head or chase anyone down the tunnel, and when Melo saw that it wasn't going to happen, he backed off.
Gold star for Melo, plus a bonus gold star for Not Giving a Shit when DDR is all up in his grill. &hearts (both of them)
And that brings us to Pepe. Regrettably, the photos don't reflect the sort of day he had. On this day, Pepe's crosses worked. He was impressive. Good for him for not giving up.
His day was marred by one questionable incident. Totti took a free kick just outside the box, and Pepe and the rest of the wall were just inside the box, and, well:
Handball. Intentional? Not intentional? Ball hits arm or arm hits ball? It was pretty close. Not every ref would have called it.
But Rizzoli did. This kicked up a shitstorm of protest.
Juventus Offside is positively outraged. I'm more of a rules-is-rules sort of person, and I wouldn't say it was a bad call, exactly, but it was certainly a discretionary call that Rizzoli did not have to make and which many other refs would not have made. That's all I'm sayin'.
The appeals to Rizzoli were unavailing.
So the linesman was consulted.
Aww. Puppy dog eyes. What Danielino is bitching about I surely do not know.
Oh well. As we lawyers say, it's not a good settlement unless everyone is unhappy.
You tell him, Big Guy. Plz shave.
Leo: *Bite. Me.*
Fra rarely misses, and you can guess from the thumb-sucking what happened. Boo.
And that brings us to the back line. As usual, Marcostorari got less attention than he deserves.
He was made of RAWR and had a few awesome saves early, and then had little else to do.
Fabi Grosso, who has I believe trimmed those heinous sideburns (although not enough), started as left back. I don't remember him doing much of anything, good or bad. He went off in the half and this guy came on:
I know! Who the hey is that?
That be Armand Traore, making his first Juve appearance since arriving on loan from Arsenal this summer. He made some mistakes, but he was active going forward and active on defense. He had some good crosses and I give him a tentative thumbs-up, especially considering the alternatives.
Over at right back, Sorensen got another start. He came forward two or three times, but he was really there for defense.
He was never out of position back there, Marcolino, and was again impressive.
18, bitchez. Holding his own against Riise.
Way better than the last time we tried a Dane.
He was about more than just the Norwegians, though.
He worked on Borriello as well, and made a number of important clearances. The no-right-back-plus-Pepe-on-the-wing-when-he's-not-playing-crap option turned out to work pretty well. Gold star for Sorensen. Also? FYI: bb, if you want a good look at Marco's tat, it's on the other side.
When Leo wasn't busy loving on Vincenzo, bitching at refs, or showing contempt for Totti, he did some excellent defending.
It looks like if he wants his picture taken on the pitch when he's actually playing football, he's going to have to score or keep hanging out with opposing big shots. And there was the rawr too, so gold star for Leo.
At long last, we come to the heart of the matter.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Giorgio Chiellini.
Like Elvis, he was everywhere. Every.Where. Nearly every key clearance? Yeah, that was him. Damn straight. Gold star for that.
In the 43rd, Mirko sent a ball into Mexes, but Gio went in with a sliding clearance and dispossessed him. He touched Mexes a little, but Mexes went down like a sack of shit and the Romanistas wailed for a penalty.
No way. Where do you think you are--Spain? This is a contact sport.
Gio was innocent. And I don't mean because of the saggy socks and the cartoon-emblazoned shin guards, which look like they belong to an 8 year old.
He was innocent. You cant tell because he's screaming at Mexes to get the fuck up.
Gold star for the hissyfit. &hearts
Gio has no patience for pussies. You know how you can tell when Gio is guilty?
Um, ouch.
You can tell because he reacts by pouring love all over you: hugs, smiles, aw it wasn't that bad, it's only a game, etc etc.
You can tell he knows he fouled Borri kind of hard because of the love, which included in this case some smooches and a two-handed noogie. Another gold star for that. &hearts
In the 77th, Gio clonked heads with Rosi (I think). Rosi hit the deck and lied there like a corpse. Gio had blood pouring from his forehead before he even hit the ground.
unf
You know what that means: the panty.
Didn't slow the man down.
Of course, no one rocks the panty. Not his fault.
Juventus had one last chance deep in extra time. In minute 93, ADP drew a free kick in a favorable position. As everyone lines up to form the wall, Rizzoli spots a problem. Gio has blood streaming down his face. Rizzoli tells him to go off and get cleaned up. If Gio obeys, this means he is not on the pitch for the last play of the match in a situation where Gio's leadership and ability in the air are crucial. Gio does not want to leave. 'S only a little scratch dammit. It doesn't hurt. No one cares. He's a fucking warrior. You gonna take the captain off the pitch at a time like this over a little scratch?
Answer: Yes. Rizzoli's face said, Dude, you have blood on your shirt and rivulets flowing down your schnozz. Whatdaya want me to do? I gotta put you off.
Aw, hell no. Chaos erupts. Gio starts throwing a tantrum. The Romans start throwing a counter-tantrum because of Gio's stalling/disrespect. Rizzoli looks like he dearly wished RoRo were here. The only one still playing football was Julio Sergio, who went into pooping pose and tried to set up a wall from people who weren't listening to him.
So indignant Gio starts to march off. And then Gio, who is very very smart--and I don't mean merely literate, but actually educated---realizes something: if I'm hurt--and Rizzoli says I am so I must be *scoff*--then maybe I need some immediate medical attention.
Wow. I think that's a dried blood dribble on his leg.
So he plopped his ass down on the pitch and waited for the physios. "Look that up in your crappy little rule book, Rizzoli!" Annnnnnnd, handbags, everywhere. Another gold star for the brilliant plan.
Rizzoli is a beaten man. RoRo would never have put up with any of this, but Rizzoli's zen master player-management style just wasn't working against 22 giant babies. He probably felt like he was trying to break up a slumber party of semi-wasted 12-year-old girls all fighting over the same Menudo-faced underachiever. The only thing to do when things get to that point is turn the hose on everyone.
The physios mopped up Gio's face. Rizzoli made him go off, so he trudged angrily to the touchline, and then immediately began agitating for readmittance. Rizzoli sez no. More handbags. Rizzoli sez get on with it. Everyone lines up. Gio is jumping up and down on the touch line. LET ME IN. LET ME IN. Rizzoli: *ignores* Oh the injustice!
Juve's other smart guy hatches a plan and puts it into effect. ADP decides he can't take the free kick because the ball is in the wrong place, and so there is a big thing about ball placement and more handbags. It's a blatant stall to get Gio back on the pitch. Alex knows it, Rizzoli knows it, and every Romanista on earth knows it. Rizzoli doesn't buy it, and Roma goes completely mental, but Gio is obviously fixed up and able to come back on. Rizzoli makes the chicken-shit decision. He blows the whistle for ADP to take the kick while gesturing for Gio to come on at the same time. So Gio is technically on the pitch for the free kick, but nowhere near the wall and therefore he might as well be on the bench. Boo.
The upshot of all of this is that ADP's free kick hits the wall, Amauri gets the rebound, and he heads it over the bar. Match over.
Gio continues to bitch and scream, and his teammates try to soothe him, and everyone trades jerseys and Alessa is once again wearing stupid underlayers. The End.
Next match is Sunday at Genoa. Loooca! Froggy! Hooray!
Still the best.
P.S. Hey mods! I think Sorensen has earned a tag, plz.
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