"Milan 4-0 Juventus. Two zebras will get sent off, Juve will finish with 9 men, and Alessa will suffer a horrible injury."
And that's before I realized that Gio got banged up during warm-ups and was not going to play. Hell, I guess at least I'll get to ogle Zlatan (who returned to Italy and apologized to me for going to Spain, thereby redeeming himself and coming back from DeadtoMe status). I love Zlatan, although he doesn't deserve me.
I'm happy to report that I was
world champions
Even though they got injured last week and were supposed to be out for two weeks, The Hairz were there in the last few minutes, just not in a way that was interesting to the photogs. No matter. A certain Number Nine provided us with an Iconic Image of Italian Football:
when's he's bitching and moaning, everything is right with the world
And so we begin, as always, in the back.
Marcostorari started in goal. Zlatan scared the crap out of us all in the 7th, but his shot hit the crossbar. Marcostorari was forced into a save on another Zlatanshot in the 9th, and after that, Zlatan calmed down and went to sleep. It was a big match after all.
Marcostorari is a beast. How could Milan have let him go at all, much less let him go and replaced him with Marco Amelia? Whoever worked that deal was either high on coke or 98% of the way through the blowjob of his life when he made that decision.
As for defenders, let's see who Not Ciro had to choose from: Motta,
I know. Nicola Legrottaglie. Haven't seen much of him this year. He's a decent enough defender, but he's no Giorgio Chiellini.
Poor Zlatan was so looking forward to a death match with Gio. Wrestling with Nick is just not the same.
Ah yes, the call for offside. The last resort of
Leo did his best to give Zlatan the fight he craved, and he did very well. I believe this was the first time he played against the Z.
When you defend against Zlatan, you can get your face kicked and your nuts crushed at the same time. It's a tough job.
Pippo is dangerous in a way that involves a lesser risk of reproductive damage.
Ooh, baby. Come to mama.
Marco Motta started as right back. He's been looking shaky lately, which is probably why he's spent so much time on the bench. When Il Mister prefers Gryga over you, that should tell you something.
He started out sloppy in possession, but he gradually got it together and ended up having a good game.
See? He beat the Duck.
He managed well against Robinho, one of the few players who can compete with Adriano in the Miss Head Case Pageant. Too crazy for Man City. Too crazy for Man City! But just fine for the Uncles. Yikes.
Robinho didn't have much going on, lucky for Marco. I'm not sure that Marco can compete with Robinho when Robinho feels like playing well.
Motta also faced off against Luca Antonini, who seemed less effective than usual.
I love Luca Antonini, despite the nose-blowing-in-shirt thing.
PDC started on the left. He was amazing. Look at his pretty flowing hairz! Thank you Pato for tampering with the pants so we can see the quadriceps a little better.
He was a complete monster. He defended hard in the box, kept Pato quiet, and delivered the long, perfect cross that became the first goal.
In the 32d, he clonked knees with Bonera. It looked really bad.
Mostly, it looked bad for Bonera. He seemed to be suffering the most, and he ended up getting stretchered off straight away.
bad day for the bland
Abate came on for Bonera. I'd forgotten all about Abate. (Where's he been lately?) As for the Zebes, Pepe happily popped up from the bench and prepared to come on. If you ask me, his gleeful enthusiasm was a bit unseemly. PDC thought so too. He refused to come off, and soldiered on for another five minutes, limping and clearly struggling. It turns out that he broke his kneecap, which sounds positively disgusting to me, and he'll be out for around three months. I hope everyone understands that this means that Gryga, who is not even a left back, is now Juve's best left back. Oh wait! Gryga is injured and is expected to be gone for another month or so. We. Are. Screwed. The only left back left is Fabi Grosso, who is being punished for not leaving this summer. Well, it's either him or call up a primavera, and the politics may favor a primavera becoming our new baby fullback.
Oh, it's all too terrible. Let's move on to the midfield. According to my television, LDN abandoned the 4-4-2 in favor of a 4-1-4-1 with Melo as defensive mid and ADP the lone striker up top. That just sounds wrong, and it doesn't really reflect what I saw on the pitch. Nevertheless, Jorge again got the start, this time on the left in front of PDC.
I like him more and more. He plays kind of rough and probably doesn't get carded as much as he should.
He works like woah, all over the pitch, no matter what his position supposedly is on the day.
He creates a lot of trouble out there.
Not so sure he stopped Rino that time, but Rino is having a little renaissance so what can you do?
He was so much trouble that he actually inspired Pirlo to run \o/ and defend \o/! Oh hush. I love Sleepy. I've been pregnant with his love child ever since that fling we had in Baltimore in July 2009 when the Rossoneri came to play The Blues of Satan.
Trufax: Massi Oddo did not suck that day.
It didn't last. Oh well. Moving right along....
Martinez was also part of the successful Duck containment strategery. I'm ready for him to start scoring the occasional goal.
That won't happen for a while. Jorge pulled up lame in the 56th and went off. There was a decent amount of sideline drama for a while. There was some limping, and then there was some trying to get around while being held up by two trainers, and in the end, he rode the stretcher into the tunnel. He has broken his foot and will be out for around two months.
No worries. Who's the best available substitute for Martinez? Momo is! At least that what LDN did for us when Jorge went off.
For the most part, Momo was Momo.
But we'll come back to him later.
Also starting in the midfield: Alberto Aquilani.
He had another good game. He contributed to Duck-containment and worked possession nicely all over the midfield.
He's not the sharpest knife in the butcher block. We all want to look at Zlatan's abs, but there's no need to peek under his jersey during the match because He. Is. Going. To. Strip. After. The. Match.
mkay?
ONOZ! I JUST IMAGINED HIS SEXXING FACE! AIEEEEEEEEEEE!
Thank you Sandro, just for being you.
I love Sandro. *le sigh*
So that brings us to Claudio.
Oops! Caught Pirlo working again!
Claudio, also, was excellent.
Zlatan: "This dude's a lot better than I remember."
Nick: *iz impressed*
Here's an ugly truth about the match. Milan dominated possession by a factor of 2:1. There was a lot, and I mean a lot, of scrabbling around in the midfield. A lot of ugly giveaways. But also, some lovely takeaways. I say the midfield did well, and did enough to get possession when it mattered.
TANGENT: I love Pirlo!
I love Rino!
Allrighty then. Q: Who was the best zebra mid on the pitch this week?
A: Felipe Melo.
I don't know who that asshole loser number 4 was last year, but this year, Juventus has Felipe Melo. And how!
Yeah, so he got a yellow for a late tackle on Pato. Pato's not a scrawny teenager any more. He can take it.
GFB had the most wonderful save at some point in the second half and for the life of me I can't find it on the highlights. I know it was real, because it came with some delightful celebratory air-humping. &hearts *looks some more and catches self watching intervista a Pepe* No! I love you all, but there's a limit to what I am willing to do. Basta!
GFB also did a power!slide to celebrate the first goal. More on that later.
Have I mentioned Pepe? I see that I have. Last week, when he was whining about not getting enough playing time, even though he sucks, Pepe volunteered for fullback duty. He got his wish thanks to PDC's terrible injury and played in the back behind Martinez, and that was fine, because Martinez was there to cover. In fact, I do believe the world has been playing Pepe out of position his whole life because I've never seen a better fullback evar!
watching Jorge cover
Hark! Ze ball! She went thataway!
Yeah. I wish. Pepe still did what he does, including a hard and unnecessary foul on Rino that earned him a yellow. Then Martinez went out.
If Zlatan is facing north, odds are good the ball is somewhere to the north.
Can't beat Pato, so let's trip him!
WTF?
Zactly what are you trying to do? Are you hoping for an intentional hand ball? Pato can beat you with his head even when you're cheating. Think about that Mr. I Wonder Why I Don't Get To Play.
Oh, it gets worse. Look who's marking Zlatan.
Oops! Forgot to jump! Maybe I'll just try to pull him down by the waistband of his pants! That'll work! I'll be a hero!
Doh!
Yeah. It went in. Minute 82 and Milan pulls back a goal. Would Juventus choke--AGAIN--and blow a lead and three points? Well, no. They held on. So the interwebs claim. I wouldn't know because my recording ended at 83:30. This saved me from nail biting, I suppose, but I still feel well and truly screwed by my cable company.
Uh oh. (Pepe, that nimrod) + (my evil cable company) = rage
Time for a Zlatan break. I do love him after all.
the one and only
rockin the bitchpose of disgust
..but Mouthful of Spooge pose? not so much
And now for a bit of schadenfreude. I don't speak Italian, so I can't be certain, but from the way they were playing the Zlatangol over and over during the Pepe intervista, I'd really like to believe it went a little something like this:
Sky Italia: "Dude. What the fuck?"
Pepe the Nimrod: "Pardon?"
S.I.: "Zlatan's goal. Dude!"
PtN: "Well, he's a great player and a lot taller than me."
S.I.: "Dude! You didn't even jump!"
PtN: "I might have been a little late, but I tried to pull him down by the pants."
S.I. "Are you serious?"
PtN: "Huh?"
S.I. "All you would have done is pull his pants off."
PtN: "Really?" *ponder, ponder, ponder*
S.I. "The fangirlz would have been grateful but DUUUUUUDE!"
PtN: "I'm not sure I ......"
S.I. "Even at that you failed."
OK, then. Pepe, you troll, you cannot ruin my day. Let's move on to the goal scorers.
Number One: Quagliarella
He had a typically Quagliarellan sort of day.
Runnin' around.
Mixin' it up.
Findin' bitchy, pretty boys to hang with.
Not getting anywhere or adding much of anything and then PDC lobs in a long cross and BOOM!
Well, dang!
Where'd that come from?
Ha! Papastathopoulos can't believe it!
It was a typical Quags goal: crackin' and dramatic.
It's OK,
No one's ever ready for a Quags-from-nowhere goal.
Time to prance!
Wait a minute.
There seems to be some purpose to this prance.
He's looking for someone.
Looking, looking...
Target is acquired. Who is it?
Is that....
...Momo? Quags and Momo?
I wouldn't have guessed.
Soon, Nick, the soon-to-be-crippled left-sided players, and a bunch of anonymous primavera join in the pile. (Could that blonde one be the Sorensen? It's tall!) But not Felipe Melo. He has his own little celebration to perform. Hee!
Tries to shed the Alberto.
LDN: "Me too! Me too!" *giggly*
Q: *nods curtly* "Mister." *would glomp for Ciro*
Who's your daddy?
Say it, bitch. Say my name!
Antonini: Say this, bitch: *farmer blow*
And then there was this guy:
Why is it so hard to come home with a flattering hair cut?
ADP was not perfect. He took, and missed, a couple of shots early instead of passing to the open man. I have a feeling that, despite the humble and deferential public image, someone really gets off on goals n records n stuff.
would look ridiculous and wrong with bling, y/y?
ick
Not perfect, not right for bling, but still better than Papastathopoulos, not that that's saying much.
Papastathapoulos and Rino both? That's another story.
Sometimes goals come from being in the right place at the right time. So. It's minute 67. Quags sends a long ball forward to Momo, who is to everyone's very great surprise, all alone up top. All he has to do is beat Antonini, and defenders are at a disadvantage on the counterattack.
Juventini around the world: *don't fuck up. don't fuck up.*
What is Momo best known for
So Momo is on his ass and the ball is loose and OMG--where is it? And Momo---Momo--gets up and gets to it first, and slaps it (with his foot, OK?) slaps it messily to ADP, who figured maybe Momo would need some backup. ADP takes the shot.
Abbiati was not happy. Poor Luca. *pats him*
You can watch the highlights and decide for yourself whether Momo is a hero or an idiot or something in between:
Storari saves in the first 30 seconds, Alessa selfishness at 1:00, Quaggie joy at 1:05, Momo/Ale at 2:30, Pepe fail at 3:15.
And then, the celebration. Momo heads off to one touch line to get his love, and ADP heads off in the opposite direction.
This catches the photogs unawares. They are not in position for the money shot. :(
Awww. He's crowing like a tiny rooster!
Off he ran towards the corner, I presume where the zebra tifosi were penned in. Before long, he was caught by a Marcolino, who swung him around by the neck and tried hard to hump him. Soon after that, the rest of the bianconeri arrived for a nice, big group hug, of which there are no photos. (FAIL!) Except one bianconeri did not join in the hug, not really. He was too busy bouncing up and down. Boinga boinga boinga Melo boinga boinga boinga. Claudio put hands on Melo's shoulders, gave him one of those hard looks, and tried to calm Melo down, but it didn't work. After a little while, Claude gave up and joined in. Boinga boinga boinga! DAW!
The crowd dispersed, Pepe showed up for a little individual attention (ew)...
..and then Il Capitano had a little moment with Quags that was sweet and compelling but also had me wondering whether there was any Purell handy on the touchline.
Is he whispering behind his hand so the great unwashed public (that's us) can't read his lips and figure out what's he's saying?
Nah. Just wiping the nose.
Ditto.
In the 86th, ADP came off for Amauri. In these circumstances, with Gio unavailable, the armband would usually go to Nick, but Alessa gave the armband to Claudio. Aw, poor Nick! Yay, Claudio!
Il Capitano has now passed Giampiero Boniperti as Juventus' all-time leading scorer of league goals. This is, of course, wonderful, and I'll make him something extra-special for dinner when he comes home, but I'm having a hard time getting past the hair.
About ten long minutes later, the match was over. Juventus over Milan at the San Siro, with no Gio and Milos. Ale cast off his parka and started jumping.
Please to notice the ice pack strapped to his lovely right knee.
And wait just a damn minute. If the ice pack is on his right knee, then that means he's wearing some sort of blue compression device on his left calf. Iz he broken?!? *goes off to check and finds nothing*
ONOZ! *panic*
Better. It doesn't freak me out as much if I can pretend it isn't there.
Winning over Milan at the San Siro is kind of a big deal, especially if you suck and you're missing your two best players, so the boyz ran over to the away side corral and thanked those who bothered to make the drive. Wait. I guess there aren't many Juve fans actually in Turin, so that doesn't make sense. Well, whatever.
proof of Amauri way over yonder on the right
Well, now that's just great. Broken knee, broken calf, and now "This could be my last match at the San Siro." Or, if you don't want to read about the sample who will carry 36 years on Nov. 9, a version in English that hasn't been mangled by Google Translate.
Should you even be walking, mister?
Well, be careful. You all deserve to be very very pleased with yourselves.
Hiya, Leo. *smooch* Good job today.
*grumble grumble last match at the San Siro grumble grumble* I thought we had a deal! You were supposed to warn me before you and Stefano started making threats at contract time. Bad form!
Now just a fucking minute! Since when are you two feet taller than Leo?
You're going after 200 goals now?
Yes, I'm with you. We all are. You can do it.
*averts eyes from naughty jumper who should not be jumping in his condition* Hey Marco. When did you start wearing underlayers?
Next match is against Salzburg, Thursday Nov. 9 at the Stadio Olimpico. Quags and Albertino are cup-tied, but Milos will be available. He'd better be.
Next Sunday, it's Cesena at home.
The following players are injured and will not/might not be available: Buffon, De Ceglie, Martinez, Grygera, Iaquinta, Amauri (maybe), Lanzafame (or maybe he's just dead), Rinaudo, Traore, and Manninger. If anyone knows a healthy and semi-competent fullback, please come to the front office.
Finalement, Juventus lost its appeal of the 2-match ban for Milos' dive last weekend. It sounds over to me, but there is still some sort of challenge going on, I think. By the time it's resolved, Milos will be back anyway.
Speaking of Milos, today is his 26th birthday. When his punishment is over, we'll all have a nice party, hmmm?
This post powered by highly refined burning hot Pepehate and leftover Halloween candy.
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