ORIGINALLY POSTED ON AUGUST 27, 2010
Tickle-fest!
It gets better, I promise, but here's the bad news first:
Diego is gone. Officially gone. Officially gone at a loss of about 10 million euros. With him goes an awful lot of play-making creativity under the age of 30, and God's Favorite Brazilian's best and perhaps only friend. This. Is. Bad.
The pressure's on now, bb. Don't implode. Do. Not. Implode. You can do it.
Mercato rumors are crazy-go-nuts. Who knows what excellent/dire news there will be?
Now what is the best possible news a Juventina can hear in this August 2010?
If you guessed that it's "ADP has fallen in love with me from a distance and is here now to sweep me off my feet and carry me off to live happily ever after with all the pleasures money can buy and also all the pleasures that can't be bought" then you are correct, but that's not the answer I was looking for. Well, it was, but you know what I mean.
The correct answer is: Jonathan Zebina has left Juventus. Juve cancelled his contract yesterday. He is a free agent, but, more importantly, HE IS GONE!!!!!
BRB *doing mother of all Snoopy dances*
There were hints of this on the comments at Juve Offside yesterday, and it's on Wiki so it must be true, right? And he's been removed from Juventus.com official site for some time now. I can't find an effing link to confirm it, though, but MAN I hope it's true. If it is, that makes four down, one to three to go. Diego doesn't count. He was one we wanted to keep.
I assume now that you've exhausted yourselves with your own Snoopy dances, so let us proceed, shall we, to the other excellent news from yesterday which, as you all remember, is the Bianconeri victory in the Europa League play-off round.
We really need to start with training photos, else there will be precious little to look at except ADPglory. Not that that's a bad thing, but we like the other zebras too, mostly, don't we?
Melo, looking cranky. Please take note of Lanza's hair.
Amauri.
Marcostorari.
Nick! Being pouty, and with hairz blowing in the breeze! It almost makes you wonder what he was like before he became a virgin, doesn't it? Hey there, Gryga, way in the back all blurry n stuff. Still love ya. Still think you're terrible. *pats him*
Martinez, and some curly-headed dude who cannot possibly be Diego Lugano. Does anyone know who this guy is?
Marcolino, with his pants legs rolled up (yay) but his arms still covered (boo). Come ON Marco! You've got the best arms in Serie A! You gave biceps all over the place to the Romanistas. SHARE!
Leo, with his firmly-set jaw and his amazing veins. nnnnnggghh!
Leo again, possibly with a tiny little pants problem, and practicing his Gio-style albatross pose.
The man himself. *le sigh*
pssst. You're getting older, bb, and your hairline knows it. This is why I keep advising against the super-short haircuts. Also, there should be something for a woman to thread her fingers through, since we already know from WC2006 that the bald look is not for you.
And so, the match. Look who's not dead:
v v v cranky, but decidedly not dead.
Look who was in the Tribuna:
Those lips! That rack! Oh. And hello Albertino.
Marcolino, with his pants legs rolled up (yay) but his arms still covered (boo). Come ON Marco! You've got the best arms in Serie A! You gave biceps all over the place to the Romanistas. SHARE!
Leo, with his firmly-set jaw and his amazing veins. nnnnnggghh!
Leo again, possibly with a tiny little pants problem, and practicing his Gio-style albatross pose.
The man himself. *le sigh*
pssst. You're getting older, bb, and your hairline knows it. This is why I keep advising against the super-short haircuts. Also, there should be something for a woman to thread her fingers through, since we already know from WC2006 that the bald look is not for you.
And so, the match. Look who's not dead:
v v v cranky, but decidedly not dead.
Look who was in the Tribuna:
Those lips! That rack! Oh. And hello Albertino.
Albertino, WAG Michela Quattrociocche, and Milos. One is happy to be here, one isn't exactly sure where "here" is, and one would rather be somewhere else.
All righty, ladies. You might want to sit down for this one.
Claudio! and La Signora Roberta (the Toro fan). She's a cutie.
Yeah, but that was just a warm-up. Here comes the real thing. Are you ready?
BAM!
BAM!
Thank you, dear Claudio. Thank you for getting your ass suspended. Thank you for sitting in the stands. Thank you for shagging your wife. Thank you for creating babies. Thank you for making my ovaries beg for mercy.
BRB *goes off to poke seekrit holes in diaphragm*
Where was I? Oh yes, there was some sort of football game. There were indeed eleven zebras on the pitch (I counted!) but the photogs were only interested in one very fine player. There are a few scraps, so let's start there.
Storari started in goal, with Gio and Leo in the center, PDC on the left, and Marcolino on the right. Would you like to see some Gio? Or maybe some Leo? Sorry.
All I have is Marcolino.
Catch him at the right angle, and he can do a mean Quasimodo.
I thought the defense looked pretty good. Sturm didn't have many chances on goal and when they did, they hit the woodwork, fortunately for the zebras.
In the midfield, we had Dead.To.Me., God's Favorite Brazilian, Pepe (sigh), and Martinez. Wow. Just typing that made me long for Diego. But ya know? They dominated possession and, with Marcolino and PDC, fed the strikers quite nicely.
Momo did not disgrace himself, so plus one for him.
You know what, Claudio and ADP have put me in a very generous mood, so how about plus three for Momo? (37,992 to go. I' m not that generous.)
No photog love for Gio, but pictures of Martinez? Nah. That must have been an accident. There were aiming for Not Ciro, weren't they?
Pepe, of course, and a blurry Martinez, and blurry bb zebra Manuel Giandonato, who came on for Melo at the very end. He's 18. And tall.
Photogs always love Pepe. He took a good three or four shots. Missed all of them, including two sitters. grrrr
Speaking of Melo, he had another peaceful, nonviolent, non-card-getting, non-temper-losing match, but this time with some excellent possession,a coupla awesome moves, and a handful of lovely, lovely long-range passes. This is a Felipe Melo I am happy to have on the squadra.
The Hairz Were There:
Uh oh. That's a big honking ace bandage.
Yeah, that didn't work. Poor baby had to come off slightly before the half and will miss the season opener. Here's something I would not have said about this two months ago: Oh Crap! We haz no center striker but Trez who may not be here when the sun goes down in Turin today.
EDIT: Amauri is now expected to be out for about a month. Oh, joy!
But, hey! Just because the only center striker left is Trez, who still could be gone by the end of the day, doesn't mean that all hope is lost, because Juventus just signed a second second striker.
Perhaps you've heard of him.
Fabio Quagliarella.
Do Not Want.
Anyway, Amauri.
He was replaced by Lanzafame who had some great opportunities and should have scored, but didn't.
No matter....
steering with his pinky! Hee!
...cos yesterday, Alessa and his thirty-five year old legs came to play.
If you love Juventus, you love Alessandro Del Piero. There are many many reasons to love ADP. He's got class and dignity. He's got charm and poise. He's got great skin and a fabulous smile. He kept the zebras together during calciopoli and brought them back to Serie A in just one year. He is shaggable. All of that. But it all starts with his game. Nothing compares.
In the first half, ADP sent a shot just wide, and hit the post on another. He sent a free kick or two sailing over the bar. But at minute 53, Felipe Melo...
That's right: Felipe Fucking Melo
.....fed him a long, lovely pass to the left of the box. ADP snatched it out of the air with his right foot, settled it, and took a quick look around. Uh oh. Number 23, Gordon Schildenfeld, a meter ninety-two, and twenty-five years old, stands between Ale and the goal.
So what?
ADP dribbles around him, gives him a little fake, a little step-over, and.....
....leaves his youthful defender .....
...in the fucking dirt....
.....and threads the needle with a vicious, nasty strike with his beautiful, beautiful right foot.......
...into the hole. Goal!
JFC, got real tears welling up in here. I love him so much! I gotta take a break.
*sniffle* Right. So what happened next was much rejoicing. So much rejoicing that I'm not going to be too particular about the sequence here.
It started with the trademark tongue thing and ADP running towards the curva to climb the wall and crow at the tifosi, but he was impeded, first by Lanza swinging him around by the hem of his jersey, and then Momo and Lanza hauling him down off the wall for manlove.
OK: Tangent: Lanza's hair. Sweetie, you probably think you're being all original and making a statement and so forth, but I'm here to tell you that Joe Strummer wore exactly that same hair style back in 1982. Moreover, if it doesn't work on Borriello, it doesn't work on anyone. Grow it back please.
Carrying on......
Si no me quieres, librame
Diga me que tengo ser
Saves que robas me querda
Me tienes que desir
Me debo ir o quedarme?
No choking!
And so there was manlove.
Proof of Leo
Proof of PDC. No crushing!
Hey! NO CRUSHING! Be careful with him. Without Diego, he's the only creative player you've got!
And later, a manpile.
Marcolino on top. Of course.
Oh dear. Please don't hurt him. He's old. And delicate. And v v special.
Proof of Gio. Also: DAW!
Now they've got Martinez on the floor too. Gentle! Be gentle!
And, at the end, a fist pump.....
....and then this.
EW. Is this absolutely required by the Capitano By-laws?
There were still more than 30 minutes to go, but this was the good part, by far.
At the very very end, the boyz joined hands and ran toward the curva to thank the tifosi. ADP traded jerseys again (everyone wants his jersey, naturally) but IMPORTANT: did not put the wrong shirt on this time. &hearts&heart&hearts
Here they come, getting ready to jump!
Q: Who do you think is going to jump highest?
A: The Romans.
As you've all seen from
Next actual match is Sunday August 29, at Bari, at 6 pm CET (noon in the eastern U.S.).
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